A life stolen – What’s love?

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Regret

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Re: A life stolen – What’s love?
« Reply #15 on: June 19, 2019, 04:49:03 PM »
Had a very interesting dream last night, first one of this type, ever.

The dream had me and my ex in a room and I was trying to figure out something, paying all my attention to a problem and not my ex. My ex said to me, we are both here now and you are giving all your attention to that problem. I got up and held my ex tightly and said "I'm sorry, I love you and would not be able to live my life without you" and I woke up. I felt true love in that dream when I said those words.

I remembered what that dream moment felt like for about an hour after waking. It's the first time in my life that I've had that feeling and having those words flow naturally, honestly and with sincerity. Now, a few hours later, the intense emotion I had in the dream is gone but I still have a deep down but faint feeling of what I felt in that dream.

Hopefully, my mind, in its 6 decade long neuroplastic regeneration, has managed to create a new pathway to that emotion and over time it will grow. In my dream, it really felt good to say those words in a tight embrace and mean it, deeply. Being my NC ex of nearly 30 years now didn't matter. We parted on relatively good terms and the feeling in the dream was more important that the person I was with.

The downside of this dream event is the sadness and regret I now have over not being able to have experienced that feeling at anytime prior to this dream.

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Tee

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Re: A life stolen – What’s love?
« Reply #16 on: June 20, 2019, 05:55:55 PM »
It is hard to reawaken feelings when you have numbed them for most of your life.  I to closed off my emotions when they were not safe to have or show.  To such an extent that I fractured at 6.  I disappeared :disappear: leaving "perfect" version  a "yes ma'am" version of myself in my place. No emotions no disobedience or defiance. Even that want good enough for my NM to love me. 

I get the struggle when emotions come back too.  As I've been in therapy my T has helped because they come back in drowning waves.  And just you get your head above the water another hits you and pulls you down.  When you haven't learned to deal with emotions your whole life is overwhelming both good and bad emotions are suffocating. They all feel too much. Take it moment by moment and reach out to your T or here.  You are not alone.

Understanding hug. :hug:

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Regret

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Re: A life stolen – What’s love?
« Reply #17 on: August 12, 2019, 01:25:16 PM »
What a devastating disorder this is. I am fortunate all of the reasons or causes of my living a life under cPTSD are now gone except, of course, for myself. Within the past few months, I have learned to know when I am triggered and that has helped me stop or shorten the pain associated with being triggered.

Over the past year or so, I have progressed in my thinking from being a 3 year old, the age at which the trauma affected me, to somewhere in my teens. But I am growing up alone in uncharted waters and I find myself fully capable of quickly making the same mistakes I made, throughout my entire life, before I discovered why my life was never right, I was suffering from cPTSD, a few years ago.

I recently went through, got myself into a situation spanning several months that slowly ate me up. I knew something was wrong but didn't know what it was and it kept getting worse. I was digging myself into a deep hole daily while looking for responses from others but hearing only crickets. My efforts were based on good intentions but wrong headed - never let a child do an adults work without supervision and at my age, there is no supervision available.

Yesterday I gave up, quit the situation and within an hour or two of removing all interaction with the others involved in that situation, I began to feel better about myself. Didn't know why but I felt relief from something. It was then, while scrolling back through some saved stuff on my phone, that I came across something I had received from Roland Bal months ago, began to read it and discovered what I had gotten myself into and why. I also realize that elimination of the traumatic effects of living with cPTSD does not mean one is free and clear of that disorder's deleterious impact on ones life. He wrote (these 3 paragraphs taken from a longer message from him):

"A pleasing response isn’t just used to minimize or avoid further abuse. It is also a way of getting approval, feeling adequate and useful, being seen, and feeling loved and appreciated; so the pleasing response, through being directed continuously outward, serves as a dissociation. It serves as a dissociation for you, so you don’t feel constantly overwhelmed by the residual pain of neglect and experienced lack of love in your early formative years.

As with all emotions and feelings, there can be a healthy aspect to receiving appreciation and feeling good about yourself and your accomplishments, though when you are continuously looking outside of yourself for acknowledgment, and you have a lost a sense of containment, it becomes destructive. You are actively devaluing yourself by continually seeking validation from others, and this will make you emotionally unstable and dependent.

On top of that, it becomes harder and harder to interpret other people’s intentions and responses due to your lack of containment and self-reference; this, in turn, will create a lot of self-doubt and overthinking. Guilt and the fear of having done something wrong can easily take over."

He nailed it and when I first read this months ago, I didn't "get" it but I sure do now. The points he made that perfectly describe the situation I created for myself are in bold above - he said it so much better that I ever could but what he said is a 100% fit to what happened to me over a few months time. I took a giant step backward, fell victim to the disorder once again.

So even after having realized the source of my cPTSD, had all of the parental tapes removed from my head, understood where I came from and why I was the way I was for close to 70 years, I now realize that while the cPSTD affects and pain from my first few years of life set me on a life's course that can now, with active mindfulness, be to some degree minimized, the pattern of living as a fawn that I learned in my first 6 years of life is still there, will always be there and is ready to let me quickly fall into the same predicaments I experienced, I unknowingly got myself into, during my whole life living with the fawn, the "please" typology.

I guess life was going too well for me and my carefree, thoughtless day to day behavior created that situation, opened the trap door, and let me fall into a very bad event. Mindful is now a word that I understand much more clearly and I must be much more mindful of what I do from now on, mindful of what I get involved with and what I expect out of everything I do going forward. And while it is devastating for me to still not have any feelings other than anger, hate and sadness, it is comforting to know that I do not have any feelings for if I did, today would be so much more worse for me thinking about that disastrous situation I got myself into and hopefully am now out of.

All of this recent event just makes me sick to think about what can still happen, can in very subtle way, creep into my life and if not recognized and stopped, can and will take me back into the throws of everything that was wrong with my life. It seems that can happen quickly without constant mindfulness. Children need guidance and I guess the only guidance I can expect at my age is learning from mistakes. The one feeling that I have today is that of great sadness, sad for what I got myself into, sad at how it went down and sad to know I made mistakes. Hopefully, when the sadness goes away, I will have learned something.

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notalone

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Re: A life stolen – What’s love?
« Reply #18 on: August 12, 2019, 01:47:29 PM »
Wow. You have some very big insights.

You said the only guidance you can expect at your age is learning from mistakes. That is part of learning, but even my friends, who are fairly emotionally healthy, seek advice and guidance from others. I rely heavily on my family, friends, therapist, and OOTS to support me.

Want you to know that I hear that you are sad.

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woodsgnome

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Re: A life stolen – What’s love?
« Reply #19 on: August 12, 2019, 06:41:20 PM »
Thanks, Regret ... an excellent summary of falling into waters so deep it's sometimes hard to fathom a way out. Mindfulness definitely helps, although everything has its limits, and it takes time to build the internal strength up to a point where we can at least withstand, if not entirely overcome, those innocently derived habitual responses to this confusion called life.

 Those habits which were planted so early by the first set of people in our lives, often ironically identified as 'caregivers'; when they were more like naysayers who contradict our own yearnings just to be ourselves; just to be cared for decently and honestly. As you note, we end up spending a lifetime having to become our own 'care' givers.

There's lots of wisdom to digest in your post, but my takeaway seems to zero in on a major part of my own mindfulness these days -- "Guilt and the fear of having done something wrong can easily take over."  :'(

Thanks for reflecting so well on all of this. Sometimes being mindful only piles on the misery of what's best left behind; but on the other hand it takes lots lots out of a person to get a handle on the scope of what has dragged us down.

In the end, balancing it all remains the big challenge. All the difficulties may not be totally overcome, but we can at least smooth out the roughest spots ... and live. It's all any of us want, and fully deserve -- that chance to just live, as ourselves, reflecting what is our heart's deepest and most needed desire.

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Tee

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Re: A life stolen – What’s love?
« Reply #20 on: August 12, 2019, 08:44:38 PM »
 :hug: my T says it's our human right to make mistakes.  I'm not sure I believe her but I'm trying to.  It's ok to be sad. I'll sit with you a while if that's ok. :hug: