Guidelines question / explanation

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johnram

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Guidelines question / explanation
« on: March 23, 2019, 10:26:31 AM »
Hi,

I am new here, and was reading the guidelines and wanted this line explained to me, if someone can:

"Many of us with CPTSD have been trained to be caretakers and recovery for us involves resisting the temptation to do so here at OOTS. "

I have a sense of what this means, and particularly from my own background - i became the pseudo parent to my much younger brothers, but i wasnt aware of it being so common, or maybe it means something else?

thanks

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Three Roses

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Re: Guidelines question / explanation
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2019, 04:14:20 PM »
Hi! Welcome, johnram. Caretaking is a big problem for many of us here and is at least partially defined by putting the needs of others before our own. It also includes a certain attitude behind our interactions with others, that tells us we must find and offer answers and direction to others.

The answer for us here is to make sure we phrase things such as "in my opinion" or "in my experience", and to phrase things in the form of suggestions. This is not only for our good but for the good of our fellow forum members; some of us come here so damaged and vulnerable we would do something anyone told us to do (no matter if they are "cyber friends" only), to their detriment.

We come from a variety of backgrounds with completely individual problems and what works for one may not work for others in the same situation.

Thanks for joining us!
 :heythere:

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Kizzie

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Re: Guidelines question / explanation
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2019, 05:31:13 PM »
I just wanted to add that part of what we hope will happen here is that we each will learn to be more caring toward ourselves and to be able to see when someone has asked too much of us.  It can be easy to slip into a caretaker role because we are good people, but we have an extra trauma layer of being good to others at the expense of ourselves that many of us need to work on in recovery. 

Hope this helps.

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johnram

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Re: Guidelines question / explanation
« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2019, 10:31:36 AM »
Thank you for that

I actually find this very interesting and something i have mulled over before because i have drives within me to go and do say overseas charitable work (i have my trauma needs but i was also raised in a family that was active in christian work and missionary work), or becoming a therapist

if i can ask, do you have any thoughts of how to split that out to see if its a clean choice or a caretaker choice as i am finding it hard to do so thus far?

thank you

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Three Roses

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Re: Guidelines question / explanation
« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2019, 05:03:53 PM »
It can be difficult to nail that down.  ;) In my opinion -

Helping someone who needs help and is open to accepting it is charitable.

Helping someone who needs help but is not open to accepting it is caretaking.

Helping someone who needs help often, and/or with the same issue, is caretaking.

Offering to help is charitable. Forcing it on someone is caretaking.

Becoming bitter afterwards is a sign you've been caretaking.

Helping someone at the expense of your own personal needs is caretaking.

I'm sure others will have some input, too.

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johnram

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Re: Guidelines question / explanation
« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2019, 05:44:40 PM »
Thank you, i like the analogy it makes it clear

i have definitely often sat in caretaker mode, i have learnt boundaries and my own needs at a later age, but its still a work in progress

do wonder what others think



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Kizzie

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Re: Guidelines question / explanation
« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2019, 06:02:59 PM »
Glad it's clearer johnram. IMO, in the context of being trauma survivors and our recovery, it is about boundaries,  becoming more focused on self-care, and building reciprocal relationships where there is give and take. 
« Last Edit: March 24, 2019, 07:11:59 PM by Kizzie »

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johnram

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Re: Guidelines question / explanation
« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2019, 06:29:58 PM »
Glad it's clearer johnram.  In the context of being trauma survivors and our recovery, it is about boundaries,  becoming more focused on self-care, and building reciprocal relationships where there is give and take.

agreed, and breaking free and speaking up more for myself has really helped

and saying "no"

thank you

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Kizzie

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Re: Guidelines question / explanation
« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2019, 07:11:36 PM »
 :thumbup: