Should I give them a second chance?

[graffitighost]

I suddenly, unexpectedly want to give my abusive parent another chance. I don't know why, or what triggered this - I guess I've just been going through a hard time and I don't have *any* parents, and I really want my mom right now. And I friggen called her.

And she apologized? Kind of?? She couldn't say, directly, the word 'abuse' - but she said explicitly that she was a bad mother, that none of it was my fault. She says she knows she made me feel that way. She did kind of do the 'woe is me my life was h a r d' thing but then followed with, "but that doesn't excuse it."

She still blames my older adult sisters for nothing, though, and is still accusing them of 'not being supportive' enough at a time where she was constantly lashing out at them. So the call ended abruptly. I hung up at that point, because she did that before and she started sounding the exact same way she used to. Even said things like "I can't be y'alls punching bag anymore" which really ticked me off because I mean,,,, she was nobody's punching bag. But guess who was??? Us. Me especially, considering I lived with her

I gave into the impulse to text her today after the call two days ago asking if she would be willing to try to have some semblance of a relationship with me, and instead of being bitter like I expected, she says she loves me and that she would "do whatever it takes". And now suddenly my sad feelings of missing her are gone and I'm panicking, because I mean... Having a REAL relationship with her would mean letting a lot of protective walls down. Walls that keep me safe. And I've done so much to be where I am today. I've done so much to get this far. I'm not dumb enough to think I could handle it if she swoops in one day out of nowhere like I'm used to and does all the things she did. I already have PTSD from her. And that's a diagnosis now. I can't get close to her and be on my guard at the same time. I would get hopeful and if she's really not the same it's going to crush so. much. work. And it's going to hurt. And things are going to come back. Things that I GOT AWAY from. And I'm terrified it won't just mess with my PTSD. What if it messes with the work I've done to make myself a better person? I had to change everything about myself and the way I acted. She didn't lose custody until I was 14 and if it weren't for my foster mom, for my therapists and for everyone that came together to help me I would have ended up so much like her it's not even funny. And I'm scared of getting close to her and it triggering that again. Like what if it just sets me back YEARS? What if I snap one day and get borderline too? What if my brain can only take so much, and it just breaks or triggers something in me?

But on the flip side if I never talk to her again I'm still going to miss her, I'm still going to ache over it. I'm still going to wonder if she had changed. If there was a chance.

My older sister, who I'm living with now, says she's been through this all before and that mom is good at sounding like she's really changed and genuinely understands. But every single time, it's a let down. I'm 18, my sister is 40, she's dealt with it for the majority of her life. She's usually never wrong.

But I want my mom. But I absolutely do not want my mom, because it could literally ruin everything. I don't want that hurt. But I want my mom.

What do I do? Do I just text her back and tell her I changed my mind? And live with wondering if she HAD changed, and wondering if things could have worked out, for the rest of my life?

Or do I give her another chance and risk worse flashbacks and more fights with her? What if she snaps and then it's harder for me to heal, and stuff gets digged up that brings me back to that time in my life?

How is anybody supposed to make this decision?

[Kizzie]

It's hard for any of us to say GG, only you know what you can manage emotionally.  I do have one suggestion that might help though.  What about seeing if your M would go for some trauma informed family counseling? That way you both would have some guidance and are on safer, more supportive ground to see if you can work things through. For you it will give you the opportunity to (hopefully) once and for all determine if there is chance she can/will change. 

Note - IMO it would need to be trauma informed so the T fully understands the dynamics and context of your relationship.

[Blueberry]

I would say it depends on what your M does with that chance she has now and how you react to her actions.

It is OK now as an adult to step away again if you notice contact to her is damaging you, your life, your health, your progress. As a child it's pretty hard to step away. It's also OK to change your mind on something, depending on how it evolves. Other people may not like it but that's too bad for them.

I gave second chances, third chances until I finally realised FOO hadn't actually changed. I somehow thought they had and/or they knew the right things to say so it looked as if they had. But when put to the test, they showed their true selves. There are still times when I miss some member of FOO or I wish I had more than a FOO in name only, but I'm protecting myself, my life, my sanity, my health by staying away and allowing only the tiniest contact - short emails. From me usually a one-liner and not necessarily when FOO is expecting it either. Sometimes they just have to wait. I made my decisions partially by trial and error, partially with help from Ts over the years and partially with help from here and Out of The Fog.

Reading and sometimes posting on our sister website Out of The Fog e.g. https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=35.0 was useful for me when I was going through the worst of missing my parents or struggling not to contact them after all.

This is also useful: https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do/ and this: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries

[Not Alone]

What about seeing if your M would go for some trauma informed family counseling? That way you both would have some guidance and are on safer, more supportive ground to see if you can work things through. For you it will give you the opportunity to (hopefully) once and for all determine if there is chance she can/will change.

Is it possible to let down just a protective brick or two instead of entire walls? Those walls are there for a reason. I would caution against total demolition until with time and help you know it is safe.