Really trigged by daughter

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Really trigged by daughter
« on: March 31, 2019, 09:48:01 PM »

Sorry for posting on this part of the forum... Again

It's late and I can't sleep. I'm not sure what else I can do.

I have spent the last two days bickering and arguing with my daughter. I've been in tears most of today.

I'd taken Friday off of work (and I have tomorrow off too) as I felt close to burn out. I started a new job nine months ago, and there was a massive backlog of work. There's so many issues to resolve with a constant stream of new work. All that on top of severe social anxiety. So it's been hard. Hence s break was needed.

I used Friday to get my chores done. That meant three days of chilling.  My daughter wanted to go shopping for jeans yesterday. I didn't mind. The first pair fit really well, except they were too short. She's 5' 9' and I'm 5' 11" so this is quite common.

The next shop we hit the same problem. And I politely told her. She started to disagree. I explained that I would buy the jeans (27) as long as she didn't come to me in the coming months asking for a replacement pair because she'd realised they were too short.  I'm on a budget and besides which I think she should act fair and responsible. She's 15. 

She became quite nasty. She threw the jeans down and said she wouldn't bother. I tried to smooth things over but also stand my ground as I felt she was acting badly.

At that point I couldn't do anything right.   I realised that we'd either spend the whole trip arguing or she'd just snap at me and treat me with contempt. Not wishing me go through that I ended the trip.

When we came home I tried talking to her. Only to be screamed at.  I asked what I'd done wrong. She said I was constantly making her feel bad. I said that wasn't true and that I did tell her when she'd done well or I was proud of her. I'd had a different opinion and was explaining she could have the jeans but she needed to understand that I can't afford to buy twice.

She got nasty again.  So I said I'd wait for my husband. She said he'd take my side because he was scared of me. That I was like my mum and dad. That I was sad because I had no friends. That I'm always on her back. Oh, and I make everything about me.

I explanted all this to my hubby and he's banned her from electronics for a week (like all teens she spends most of her time on her phone, so this punishment will hurt).

She did apologize, eventually and peace broke out.

Today, hubby was out. I grumbled at her a couple of times for pestering me and expecting me to do things she is capable of. That turned to bickering. Then shouting.

She said she thought I was super strict. Always criticising. Her mates do what they want. Go to bed when they want. Don't have "rules" in school holidays (I did this last holidays to cut down on the tantrums and lack of respect).

It's mother's Day in the UK today. Kids were treating their mum's. I was being shouted at and was in tears.  I couldn't help feeling that all my family had hurt me. Dad, mum, brother and now daughter.

When hubby returned home I spoke to him. He's at a loss what to do.

She again apologized. But it feels like I'm being manipulated by my daughter just like my mum did.

My daughter has a 9pm bed time on school days. She's allowed electronics until 8.30. At the weekend she has them until 10pm with bed time at 11. She can charge her phone in her room in weekends. My main rule is to keep the house tidy and she's solely responsible for cleaning her room. When I ask her to tidy it, she argues. She claims I'm just a neat freak. She then claims it's not a mess when it clearly is. She washes the dishes once a day for pocket money. She has to do another chore to earn access to Netflix. I don't think I'm unreasonable

When these arguments flare, I try to reason. She either gets nasty or shuts down. I've tried a few times over the last day or so to explain that these scenes aren't healthy for us. I've also pointed out that I've had these scenes through my life (47 years) and I can't cope with them any more

I feel incredibly guilty at the possible harm Im causing. I don't want to do that. But equally I don't want to be manipulated so she gets her way.  Im incredibly aware that I may be causing both of us trauma.

She is the biggest issue I have. She seems unconcerned at how she's hurting me. She seems stubborn and focused on getting her way and in never accepting fault or blame.

Her last words before she went to sleep was about when she could extend her bedtime and get access to her phone. No concern for the upheaval she's caused.

When I see pictures of FB of mothers and daughters enjoying mothers day and think of the weekend I've had, it hurts. 

I can feel myself blaming myself.  It must be my fault if all my family have treated me this way and if my hubby has nothing to contribute.

Thanks for listening
« Last Edit: March 31, 2019, 09:53:25 PM by Snookiebookie »