Beastly Comfort

[RiverRabbit]

Wading into contradictions...

When pain was the only comfort given from ones that should have offered a loving embrace, the spirits from this bottle of beast will serve to dull this longing for shelter.

When the longing is so familiar, it is a kind of comfort... feeling the absence of what should have  been is like a haunting echo..

When the emptiness is the most familiar feeling from primordial memories.

And it is little comfort…

… it is a yawning void pulling at me, until I become the void… this is where the beast lives… the child of rage… he is the absence of hope.

He has been too long lingering in darkness.

His language is a powerful, thrashing rampage that fades into a withering howl, that speaks of a longing for an intimacy… for comfort… a comfort he does not know how to accept.

And in seeing comfort denied again, he withdraws back into the darkness… rage spent.

Someday he will know I forgive him...

[Kizzie]

RiverRabbit, this captures that deep primal part of the traumatized self so well.  It's difficult to put into words or so I've found, but it lives in me too.  I'm not quite as poetic but when I can feel that part of me, it feels like how I imagine a wounded animal would react to being hurt and left to suffer.

[RiverRabbit]

This is coming from my attempts to work with my inner child... he is pretty hard to communicate with right now (or ever, really).

Very early I learned to join in with the rest of the family in hating me.  It was a survival tactic, I guess.  Everyone else is hating me... I might as well join in.  I mean they can't all be wrong, right?

So, this is an inner child so enmeshed in self loathing, he does not trust kindnesses offered.

My only contact with him all these years has been when he shows up as rage during flashbacks.  This is only my second month trying to get a "dialog", of some shape, going.

I'm a bit discouraged.

[woodsgnome]

Your words speak to the discouragement I often feel about journeying into the  aptly-described void. It does feel empty and hopeless.

On the other hand, maybe this is one way to begin the journey out -- to get so low that it will take an almost full reversal, a radical turn, to undo so much of the damage inflicted.

Recognizing the rage feels awful, but it seems you're at the point of also knowing to look for other ways, starting with self-acceptance and compassion, in whatever form it takes; even if it starts in anger and hurt.

I hope you can continue finding the inner child energy to assist in your new direction out of the void.

[Kizzie]

I don't know if this will be helpful for you but I was able to get my Inner Child to come out by doing some writing back and forth in therapy.  I asked her questions in writing that I did with my dominant hand and then she replied in writing using my non-dominant hand (which looks like a child's printing basically).  I was astonished that it worked but it did and she told me quite a lot. 

At the same time I worked on doing fun things to entice her out to play to balance the anger and pain somewhat - I tried an African drumming class and she loved it b/c she could wail away on the drum, she was with others but didn't have to talk much, and we actually sounded pretty good after a while. 

I know others on here have used drawing to express those feelings that are harder to capture in words (although you did a great job imo), so that might be something to try too.

Once I accepted I could not rip off the bandaid, that it does take time along with self-compassion, kindness and safety things started to move forward, slowly.  I can now feel her rage more clearly and am working on acknowledging and validating it and soothing her. 

[Not Alone]

May I offer comfort from a safe distance? If that is too much, that is okay.

[RiverRabbit]

"May I offer comfort from a safe distance? If that is too much, that is okay." - NotAlone

I do not posses the tools to know how to respond to this.

Not feeling negative towards the offer, but having a hard time with the concept of it.

... I am hoping this is not taken as a rude response... I just don't have a schema for this.

[Not Alone]

I do not take it as rude.