Hello!

[Griflette]

Hi everyone,

I was so pleased to find this forum a couple of weeks ago. It feels so incredible to read your posts and know I'm not alone! Thank you for being such an open and generous community, you've already helped me so much.

I'm in my mid 30s, and live in London, UK. I've been struggling for years with depression, anxiety, numbness, obsessive compulsive behaviours and stress and have had four mental breakdowns from age 11 to last year. This is my third time in therapy and I have recently been diagnosed with cptsd. I experienced emotional neglect and emotional abuse from my parents in childhood and throughout my teens (and now when they get the chance). I didn't have anyone to talk to for years and was badly bullied at school as well.

My parents are still in my life, I have a cordial but distant relationship with one and I am a carer for the other, who is the one who is emotionally abusive. I'm lucky to also have a supportive  partner and some great friends I am gradually starting to open up to. And an awesome therapist.

I relate to all the four Fs but especially Flight and Freeze, which for me most often take the form of work addiction and dissociation through intense daydreaming, to the point where I have fully broken with reality in the very worst times and experienced hallucinations and delusions. Only a couple of times though thankfully.

I'm having an intense time at the moment starting to recover memories (bad ones but also good ones which got locked away in the vault by association), reconnecting to my body and my feelings, maintaining and renegotiating boundaries, learning about everything and trying to keep up self care and get through the day.

I'm tired but excited about the future, which is pretty new. Reading your stories has given me a lot of hope and inspiration to keep going! 

PS I've been doing some drawing and painting to express some of the stuff inside and I'm finding it so soothing and helpful. I had some brown paint left over the other day so I drew a little Tenderheart Bear who seemed like a good choice for an avatar because I am v tender hearted at the moment, mostly in a good way I think even though it hurts.

[woodsgnome]

Welcome on board to OOTS, Griflette 

Sorry to hear of your rough ride over the years. Those emotional wounds can lay us low, and the odd thing is so many 'outsiders' tend to discount the negative lifelong effects of starting life's journey that way. At least, as you say, you've been able to have it diagnosed as cptsd, giving you at least a broad outline that's been developed by various people (albeit many therapists apparently are still quite clueless about it).

I hope you'll feel free to comment or react to anything. It can seem scary at first, but as many have noted, getting stuff out in written form within a forum where most people can empathize can also have therapeutic effects.

I have to add that I absolutely adore the Tenderheart Bear which you drew as your avatar. Bravo! 

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum Griflette!

[bluepalm]

Welcome Griflette - I'm new here too and have found the community to be very welcoming. I've also found drawing and painting to be hugely helpful ways I can find release for my feelings and struggles and I just love your tender hearted bear.

[Griflette]

Thank you so much woodsgnome, Blueberry, bluepalm. I feel very welcome and look forward to joining in all the great conversations here And I'm pleased you like Tenderheart Bear! *care bear stare*