How to ever be intimate again (Trigger Warning - SA)

[lijygr]

Hi, I posted on this website a few years ago when I was going through the breakdown on my family and you all were so supportive and helped me so much. I broke up with my fiancee just over four years ago and it was the best decision I've ever made! We have a civil relationship and he has the  two kids 5 nights a fortnight. He is a good dad I'll give him that, but the 8 years I was with him for did about as much psychological damage as the years of abuse from a range of different people. Its taken 9 years of therapy but I feel like I'm mostly on top of things.

But whats getting me now is loneliness, I knew Id be alone when I broke up with him and I thought it would be ok. For the first few years I didn't really feel it as much cause I was numbing everything with self harm and getting myself really smashed with drugs and alcohol the days I didn't have the kids. But now its taken over and its crippling. I don't have family in the state, and I dont have a good relationship with them anyway. The friends I had have completely gone down the drug and alcohol path and I dont speak to them anymore. I have a few closeish friends and one friend who is the most supportive friend anyone could ask for. But I dont have friends with kids for my kids to play with. So i have loneliness for my kids and for me to have like minded people that can relate to the struggles of raising kids.

But the one thing that seems the most unattainable and makes me the most depressed is finding someone to love me. The logistics of even being able to have time between being a single parent and working seems impossible in its self and then being able to trust that person around my children. But as much as I mostly feel on top of things the pressure and the things my ex used to say about me needing to be fixed and it was his entitlement to have sex when he was in a relationship and he would leave or cheat if we didnt have sex more and that would be my fault. I could go on with examples but the point is I cant unhear those things and as much as i try to look at it all rationally it will always be there in the back of my mind.

I dont know how to find someone that would be patient enough to see through all the crazy. Sex and everything else seems to be such a fundamental part of relationships. I have such problems with intimacy every time ive ever consensualy had sex hasn't really been a pleasant experience. I usually dissociate within the first few minutes or Id try to enjoy it and either let them finish or freakout halfway through and push them off. And the longer its been since Ive had sex to more it grows into this overwhelming thing. Ive told one person beside my good friend that the last time that I had sex was around when my youngest was conceived and shes five now. The way she looked at me was the way and said that we had to fix that immediately is how everyone seems to be- that there's something wrong with you if youre ok not having sex for that long.

I have been trying to use a vibrator to at least be able to tolerate being touched down there and to try to see the good in it that people seem so obsessed with. I mostly get the same result of dissociating, but the time of actually experiencing the sensation is slowly growing before i dissociate or before my thoughts go back to a dark place and i have to stop. And if i cant tolerate that how am i ever going to tolerate being with another person. And then to top it all off I feel like my trauma is right there on display because i have scars that cover both of my thighs theres no hiding it once i take my shorts off and that makes it all even more daunting cause its right there.

[Not Alone]

If I was sitting with you, having a cup of coffee, listening to what you shared, I would encourage you to develop friendships. As you know, you can still feel very lonely within a romantic relationship. And romantic relationships have other complexities. I am married to a good man, but I still get a great deal of my need for emotional intimacy met through my friends.

[Kizzie]

Welcome back lijygr   Sorry to hear you are struggling with loneliness and intimacy issues, I hope being here will help to some degree.   

Ive told one person beside my good friend that the last time that I had sex was around when my youngest was conceived and shes five now. The way she looked at me was the way and said that we had to fix that immediately is how everyone seems to be- that there's something wrong with you if youre ok not having sex for that long.

There are a lot more people speaking up about being asexual these days so you may want to to read about it to reassure yourself it's perfectly fine to feel just as you do. (e.g., http://www.whatisasexuality.com/intro/).  Low or no libido is more prevalent than we thought in the past, and not everyone who is asexual has psychological reasons for being so (sexual abuse). There are many other ways to be intimate in a romantic relationship than sex although I know it can make  difficult. I'm sure some of the sites about asexuality talk about this.

...as much as I mostly feel on top of things the pressure and the things my ex used to say about me needing to be fixed and it was his entitlement to have sex when he was in a relationship and he would leave or cheat if we didnt have sex more and that would be my fault. I could go on with examples but the point is I cant unhear those things and as much as i try to look at it all rationally it will always be there in the back of my mind.

Your ex obviously had issues with the lack of sex, but to talk about being entitled lacks respect for you imo. It's something you and any new partner will have to discuss. The sites about asexuality may have some ideas on how to approach this I don't know.  The other thing I would suggest is that it is possible to chase his voice out of your head - Pete Walker has some great ideas on how to do so here - http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm.

Hope this is helpful. 

[Oscen]

Welcome back, lijygr.

That's so great that leaving your fiancé has worked out for you, congratulations.
Your ex sounds terribly abusive towards you. I'm sorry you were treated that way, like a need-gratifying object. It is no surprise your libido has suffered.
Your efforts to explore your sexuality through masturbation sound very positive. Do be patient with yourself - it sounds like your lack of desire is a natural response to abuse, from possibly a narcissist or a psychopath, who typically have high sex-drives and don't care who they hurt in order to gratify themselves.

Sorry about your friend responded the way they did about sex - sex is still such a taboo that people even feel uncomfortable about talking about not having it!
There is no such thing as "normal" when it comes to sex, and you deserve to feel comfortable in yourself.