Condemning Your Hero

[ChronosBane]

"Your father can't give you something that he doesn't possess himself" my therapist told me, ending a discussion with yet another too perfect canned one liner.

This occurred about a year ago, about two months after my decision to pursue therapy and a diagnosis because my instabilities caused me to abuse somebody other than myself. One of the first things I did after a few therapy sessions, and a diagnosis stemming from childhood trauma, was work up an ultimatum to never attend a family function at which my mother was attending (read: all of them). I, for some reason, decided it was appropriate to text this ultimatum to my father.

My father and I had been through it all. The death of my first mother by mental illness, the physical abuse of my second mother and her kids, and the absolute sinister metamorphosis of my third mother's BPD. Naturally, as my primary parent through my entire life, our bond was already pretty strong, but dealing with trauma and abuse together honed it into a relationship held only by people who have survived conflict together. After particularly difficult nights, he and I would meet upstairs and talk about how hurt we were. We'd discuss how we would always be together, and most importantly, my father would earnestly ask me if he should leave his borderline wife. These discussions, perhaps inappropriate for a 14-15 year old, were some of the most important moments of my childhood. They taught me emotional intelligence, and how to talk about mental illness. The most important thing was that my father and I would get through it together - I would understand why, through guilt, he stayed with his abuser, and I would support his decision. Nobody understood (and forgave) mental illness, or my problems like my father.

The conversations post text were extremely difficult. Depending on the tone of the last conversation, my father would be repentant, would gaslight me: "well have you thought about what this means for me," or he would flat out attack me/play the victim. He tried everything he could to break my resolve on the issue: calling me selfish, telling me that it was worse for him, telling me that I'd never be happy if I couldn't forgive, and (my personal favorite) Telling me that I was making it up. The man had stockholm syndrome, clearly.

Naturally this led to conversations with my therapist. Among the things we had to discuss were that my father was right that I had experienced abuse/trauma from other people besides my third mother. My therapist explained, using Erikson's theory of Psychosocial Development  (https://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html), that trauma experienced at younger ages, even before you can remember them, can and do have adverse effects on your coping mechanisms and stability. He also pointed out another source of trauma that I'd been interacting with my entire life that I'd been ignoring: neglect, anger, self-victimization, and alcoholism - my father, broken and boundlessly guilty, was not the paragon of strength and understanding that I had taken him for, and that he, already mentally broken, had dealt with the exact same trauma that I had, but had never escaped it.

Approaching him with the knowledge that he was deeply flawed himself gave me the resolve needed to weather his gaslighting and emotional abuse. I put my foot down a few times and made it clear to him that I was willing to remove him from my life as well if it meant I could be happy. That being said, there isn't some beautiful conclusion here. The victim act and spite continued, though mostly abated, until he milked a compromise out of me suggesting that I try to reconnect with my mother after I finish classes and therefore have more time.

Is there a specific point to this other than spinning an anecdote? Not really but I had never really had the chance to discuss this with anybody besides my partner and my therapist.

[Wattlebird]

Hi chronosbane
I can relate somewhat to your story, haveing a bpd mother, I'm glad your f was there for you when you were younger, and I'm sorry he can't cope very well with your choices as an adult.
I haven't any advice but wanted to tell you I hear you and your pain

[Oscen]

Dear ChronosBane,

There needn't be a point, other than expressing yourself. And it is heartening for me reading, to see other real-life messy relationships, so thank you for sharing.