TW: Memories setting my worth

[Contessa]

Tw: SA

I look around sometimes and see what I've always wanted in my life happening for others. No matter how much I tried and fought for myself, I still missed the boat. And I am also an outcast in my family. They chose my abusers over me.


So today I cannot shake the thought that the only worth I have in this world is for someone else to rape.

[Blueberry]

Oh Contessa      on reaching out when you feel so bad and worthless. I for one don't see your worth as someone to do that terrible thing to. I'll be joined by others on here with the same sentiment. 

Your family? Well, they never deserved you. They are a FOO (or even a FOC) in name only, as my T tells me too.

[Three Roses]

Contessa  you are worthy of being treated well. Your purpose here has nothing to do with abusive choices others make. You are worthy of respect. 

[Kizzie]

You were abused and your family betrayed and abandoned you - that is deep trauma and loss to have to live with.  I'm so sorry you're feeling all the pain of that right now, we're all here to listen and support you. 

[ellachimera]

It took me a long while to get to this result in my own life, and it's easier said than done, however:

Don't look at what others accomplished. You didn't miss the boat, that boat was simply never yours to ride in. The things you have been through and you are still being subjected to need to be dealt with, and riding your own wave while dealing with harm you didn't bring onto yourself is not fair, but is a beautiful thing you can do for yourself: to repair the indignity that was done to you.

Yes, we are here for you. More importantly than that, you go and start being your own best friend. Missed the boat? Just admire the waves.  You will find your purpose, I assure you, just give it some time and kindness to yourself.

I have been there, everyone gathered around the abuser to protect him. I've heard everything, from : he was a child as well so it doesn't count to "you surely liked it since you hid it for so long" etc. In the end, I was the bad person for being angry about having lost my innocence to the hands of a horny teenager who then was absolved of it because he went on to make more money than I do. My initimacy is forever compromised and my trust in people, but oh my god, how dare I reproach that to him or the parent that neglected us and turned a blind eye to what had happened, they were soo hurt by me saying something when I slowly started to realize how horribly what they did to me affected me and my life as a young adult.

I think I know how you feel. I even know how it feels to want to be successful just to rub it in their faces that I did better than they set me up for. But it's pointless, I am learning to value my small results more than the money and "success" I would get that way. I have a loving family I built with a man who taught me how to trust and love. I guess I got lucky, but I learnt an important thing I can share with you:

Just live your life according to your own principles. That's a tough job and a beautiful one, one that is actually the only form of success there is. Don't worry about what they think, hard though it gets. Just build your own life the way you want it, this is something your abuser couldn't take away from you along with your innocence and family. And it's valuable.  Give yourself time to heal, kindness and value yourself for what you are, qualities and limitations. Learn about yourself and love what you know, even when it dissapoints you.  Just as you would love a child, Love. Yourself. Unconditionally.

They can't take that away from you.

[Oscen]

HI Contessa, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. You have worth and dignity and you are worthy of respect. I respect you, as does everyone here.

You are feeling like you are not worth much, because you feel you haven't achieved as much as you can.
These are lies that your family have programmed into you to keep you feeling bad, to keep you under control.
Even if you achieved what you wanted to, your family would still find ways of showing you it's not enough.
Try not to pursue success to make up for what was done to you - it will not bring you the love that you deserve from your family.
It's just a further excuse to treat you badly and hides the real truth - weak people side with abusers out of fear.

But you are strong. You have survived this terrible abuse, and you have survived your family not protecting you as they should have.
You are using this strength to heal yourself.
It will bring wisdom, compassion and further strength that stand you in good stead when pursuing your dreams.
But right now, it's time to focus on your healing. You deserve to feel good.

[Contessa]

Thank you very much for your kind responses, all of you.

I suppose no matter how far we are in our recovery, there will always be something that will occasionally take us back to those hopeless times. The setbacks I have now are those that many people face without a traumatic history. But these setbacks are still upsetting for those unfortunate to go through them, so for me they are really pushing my emotional capabilities and limited support networks.

Just living a normal life, trying to push ahead with your dreams after such delays, with trials that test anyone, without the normal diversions that such safe company brings others, and without the supportive diffusing interactions with trusted allies... this is a lonely journey.

Oscen -  I have long left my family behind, because just the thought of them brings me to anger. I have asked those who have relationships with the both of us to not speak to them about me or my life, and I have no interest in knowing about theirs. I have made it clear that I have no respect for them because of the above reasons. All that is accepted.

It is just very lonely sometimes, when you really need a family. It's devastating to remember when I came to really understand how alone I was when they chose to not only dismiss my cries for help when I was being... you know... and then took it a step further to choose my rapist over me.
Always takes me back there when life hands me lemons.

Rambling now, will  wind this up. Thank you again all. Hugs.