Wanted to introduce myself

[MoonBeam]

Hey there. I've been lurking for some months and finally gathered the courage to sign-in. Possible trigger warning ahead. 

I don't know where to begin, but the short of it is I developed CPTSD in childhood and began therapy (again after many years--I'm in my early 40's) last July--to get some perspective after divorce, job loss, emptiness, loneliness, spiraling down. I just couldn't pick myself up again and was feeling pretty desperate, afraid. My T asked me about history of trauma in our second appt.--I replied "That's irrelevant, i just need to figure out how to move ahead, get through this." 

Funny now, not really... 10 months later I have for the first time in my life started to share a little of my history--the pieces that are returning anyway. I'm starting to share the secrets that kept me locked and alone.  I was terrified if I looked, my past, my buried memories would destroy me. It's been, well...  I know you all understand, which is why I'm here. It's a whole new/old ride and I'm so tired of trying to do it alone.

I'm on a journey to find the me underneath all the trauma, the neglect, the sadness. Sometimes I feel like giving up, like I just can't do it. But I have read beautiful, brave words here written by folks who are walking the same path as me. I wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate your honesty, your bravery, your perseverance. Not sure how much I can participate, I'm feeling pretty fragile these days, but so appreciate you all.

Thanks for being here...  MoonBeam

[woodsgnome]

Hey, MoonBeam ... welcome ... Despite the troubles you speak of, I hope you can at least consider that you've found this forum as a bit of an oasis from the storms that you've endured.

Your observation about "I just want to move on" accurately describes where I once thought I was -- until I realized I was just living in an avoidant manner, afraid to dredge up all that underlying pain that kept me scared and fragile underneath a smug enough exterior that barely masked the turmoil inside.

As you noted, this forum contains an abundance of people who've also been on some steep and rough paths but are still able to strive for the better life we all sense is out there. For us. And for you. 

   

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum MoonBeam!

Sorry you need us but good you found us.

I'm on a journey to find the me underneath all the trauma, the neglect, the sadness. Sometimes I feel like giving up, like I just can't do it. But I have read beautiful, brave words here written by folks who are walking the same path as me. I wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate your honesty, your bravery, your perseverance. Not sure how much I can participate, I'm feeling pretty fragile these days, but so appreciate you all.

Thank you for writing that! You've captured the quintessence of the forum right there imo. I hope you continue to feel supported by the forum and that you participate however and whenever you can manage.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Moonbeam     Glad you decided to post, I know it can take some time to decide to take the risk of being vulnerable. It is one of the reasons many of us are here - lack of trust, avoidance of ever being hurt, invalidated and/or rejected/abandoned again and delving into the pain of our trauma - makes perfect sense when you think about it    That's what I like about talking here now - it helps me to make sense of what happened, to understand that my reactions were normal in the face of abnormal behaviour by my abusers, and that I am not alone, I have a tribe of sorts now. 

Hope you find support and encouragement and belonging here too 

[Not Alone]

MoonBeam,
Glad you are able to share some memories with your therapist.  I know that is really hard. I find the input on this site to be helpful and supportive. Being on OOTS helps me to feel less alone with the struggles that come with CPTSD. Welcome.

[MoonBeam]

Thank you sooooo much everyone.  Thank you for welcoming me. It feels like a hand to hold in a way and I need that so much. Feeling alone in this has been one of the things that has kept me silent and stuck. It's so scary to be seen.

Me too, I'm sorry we were all hurt. I'm starting to learn how to have compassion for little me, to care for her. This forum and connecting with all of you is a way of doing that--reaching out, not totally hiding anymore, hearing (reading) other's stories, struggles and victories and starting to share my own.

I see you all as so strong.

[Three Roses]

Welcome! 

I see you all as so strong.

We see you that way, too. 

[Kizzie]

      

[Jdog]

Welcome to our safe online community, Moonbeam!  I'm glad you have found us and encourage you to share whatever feels comfortable at your own pace.