Awful anniversary again **TW PA

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Deep Blue

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Awful anniversary again **TW PA
« on: April 15, 2019, 12:22:26 PM »
Ive spoken about this in the PA section of the forum before... last year at this time actually...

Sunday is the anniversary of the worst PA I ever endured during my abuse. I learned to dissociate during my beatings to avoid the pain.  That night it was so severe that I blacked out.

Now I have the body memories... Im being hit every night when I close my eyes. My back spasms as if Im being hit even now...

I dont know what I need???  :Idunno: Im posting in hopes of feeling less alone I think

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Hope67

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Re: Awful anniversary again **TW PA
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2019, 12:44:01 PM »
Hi Deep Blue,
You are not alone - sending you hugs  :hug: :hug: and know that there are many of us thinking of you at this time.  I wish I could say more, but I just want to let you know that I'm thinking of you. 
Hope  :)

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Jdog

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Re: Awful anniversary again **TW PA
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2019, 01:15:32 PM »
 :hug:

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notalone

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Re: Awful anniversary again **TW PA
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2019, 02:51:16 PM »
 :hug: I have tears in my eyes, hearing what you endured. I feel angry toward the one who hurt you and sad that you suffered so much. You are not alone. Sending you care and compassion.

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Blueberry

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Re: Awful anniversary again **TW PA
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2019, 03:49:31 PM »
My body just went cold reading that, Deep Blue. Sending lots of compassion and strength from OOTS to you :grouphug:

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Kizzie

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Re: Awful anniversary again **TW PA
« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2019, 06:56:24 PM »
So very sorry you have this kind of anniversary coming up Deep Blue - sending much support and care your way  :grouphug:'

Would you be up to doing something really caring and positive for yourself on Sunday? It might help reset the memories associated with the day to something better and to proclaim to yourself you will not live in pain and hurt any longer b/c of someone else's horrible actions.   

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Deep Blue

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Re: Awful anniversary again **TW PA
« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2019, 05:13:25 PM »
Hope,
I dont know why it is, but your words always seem gentle to me. I feel warmer when I read them.  :hug: thanks for thinking of me... it helps so I dont disappear  :disappear:

Jdog,
My nerd of a feather, thanks for holding me tight.  It helps. I cherish you.

Not alone,
Thanks for your kindness.  Im trying to just remind myself that its a memory... just a memory... and even though my body is telling me otherwise it is NOT happening now.

Sweet Blueberry,
I remember having read that you went cold during your own abuse.  I was lucky that I learned to dissociate during mine... but now Im in this strange limbo... body and mind are doing 2 different things.

Kizzie,
I think doing something for myself on Sunday is a good idea.  It does fall on Easter this year... Ill think on it. Suggestions welcomed.
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I went through the memory with my T yesterday. I slept last night. (Its a start)

My back really really hurts though.  Without getting into details Ill just say that I have a body memory with tightness in my upper shoulders, my stomach hurts and my back throbs. I can feel my heartbeat in it...

It will be ok though right? It will get better right? It wont be like this forever right?  It hurts... 😞


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Jdog

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Re: Awful anniversary again **TW PA
« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2019, 06:05:28 PM »
You will get better, and this most definitely wont last forever, Deep Blue.  By expressing how you feel, you are letting bits of the memory out into the open.  It cant hurt you, and your abuser cant hurt you anymore. 

You are safe and loved. :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: Awful anniversary again **TW PA
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2019, 03:32:28 PM »
Quote
I went through the memory with my T yesterday. I slept last night. (Its a start)

It is a start and as difficult as it is, letting it come to the surface and working with a T and talking here will defuel the energy of the memory.  It's not that it goes away, but ime it's easier to live with, it's more a sadness than fear, anger and grief that keeps sabotaging our sense of self, safety and trust.

I don't know what exactly would make your day a good one, but we could talk here about the things that make you happy and figure out together what you could do. IMO just talking about relieving the pain and turning the day around is a positive action that is telling the deepest part of you that you are making a change and taking back your life.     :thumbup:

:grouphug:

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Jdog

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Re: Awful anniversary again **TW PA
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2019, 04:00:41 PM »
I completely agree with everything Kizzie has so eloquently and succinctly said.   :grouphug:

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Deep Blue

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Re: Awful anniversary again **TW PA
« Reply #10 on: April 18, 2019, 05:23:35 PM »
It throbs!!!! I hate body memories!

Im safe now, Im not going through the awful abuse that was that night. My body needed to protect me then but it doesnt need to protect me now.

I just want my muscles to loosen their grip.  Feeling sorry for myself and in pain... 😞

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Blueberry

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Re: Awful anniversary again **TW PA
« Reply #11 on: April 18, 2019, 06:06:44 PM »
Standing with you again.  :hug:

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Jdog

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Re: Awful anniversary again **TW PA
« Reply #12 on: April 18, 2019, 08:47:10 PM »
Im still here, right beside you Blue.  Hang in there, sweetie. 

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Three Roses

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Re: Awful anniversary again **TW PA
« Reply #13 on: April 18, 2019, 08:49:06 PM »
Here for you, DB  :hug:

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notalone

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Re: Awful anniversary again **TW PA
« Reply #14 on: April 18, 2019, 10:01:46 PM »
You are safe now. Your feelings are intense and they are valid. Thinking of you with care during these difficult days.