On going friend saga

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Boatsetsailrose

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On going friend saga
« on: April 15, 2019, 02:59:51 PM »
Hi, so the friend of many years (who dumped me the first time for smiling seemingly has the * with me again. Christmas I stayed with her for 2 days and her Control issues really got on my nerves.. I feel I upset her over this trip as I made some 'quip comments'. I apologised when I got back if I upset her and she said I hadn't but I didn't believe her. A few weeks ago I'd been supporting her as her dad has dementia and it was quite unmanageable (I used to be a dementia nurse). In hindsight my part was I got too involved. She then asked my thoughts on her parenting as her son had expressed self harm. I said I didn't want to offer my thoughts and asked if he had a mental health worker at school. She replied she wasn't asking for my Prof opinion just as a friend (I didnt have any opinion as her friend. Since then we haven't really been communicating.
I sent her a message about 2 wks later sending my best wishes and thoughts. I then sent her a bday card and she sent a message 'thank u for the lovely card'...
Whose move is it next I ask myself.... I don't feel it is mine but I do feel I need to be the bigger person. Also I feel agreaved that for the second time Im in a sort of dumped position..
We've been friends since I was 16 (I'm now 45) and she is a good friend but def has Co dependency control issues ++
It's my b day in 2 wks and I thought I'd wait to see if she sends a card but my plan is to ask her for a phone conversation either b4 or after my b day.... I guess why wait?

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Three Roses

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Re: On going friend saga
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2019, 02:17:32 AM »
I do remember you talking about that.  :) You have been friends for a long time, and that's worth something. But personally I would not be able to handle her control issues as that is one huge trigger for me.

Friendship should be a two way street. As long as you're getting something out of it in the way of support, compassion, camaraderie, etc then who's to say it doesn't work for you? But I wouldn't be able to get past the control stuff.

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Patticake

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Re: On going friend saga
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2019, 02:11:24 PM »
In my experience, I realized the friends I made when I was younger, I outgrew or made those friendships when I was not aware I had Cptsd, therefore, I was not my real self. As I am recovering, I find myself letting go of old friendships that have never been healthy for me.

As I am now more able to give Ďhonestí opinions, when asked, I find people (friends) donít seem to like me as much, nor I them. I am no longer the people pleaser I used to be. I am currently in the process of leaving a friendship I have had for 30 yrs. There is no anger or discord, just my realizing the constant emotional drain this relationship has had on me & I allowed it. I found myself dreading to hear from this friend.

If you value this friendship, you will probably pursue it. My only advice would be to make sure it is good for you, and you are able to be your Ďrealí self with her. If that isnít possible, is the friendship authentic & healthy for you or are you in a controlling relationship?
(Which for me would be Trigger Town!)

Good luck with this situation. I hope it works out in a healthy way for you. :thumbup:


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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: On going friend saga
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2019, 08:33:30 PM »
Thanks both.. Ye the control comes into play when I stay with her so that needs to go I think...
I don't feel willing to just let this friendship go without a conversation... I'm intrigued to hear her side regarding things.. To see how honest she will be or if she will side track the issue..
I really get upset at how many friends I've let go of over the years.. Often I will hear how other women have a surround of friends from school days, uni and old jobs. I have cut and run all my life some justified and some not..
I value friendship so much but as we know it's not an easy area for someone with cptsd..
I'm gonna speak over this with my sponsor tomorrow