Need some help

[Gromit]

I don't know if it is just hormones but I feel myself sinking, getting irritated and finding it hard to be around people.

A lot has happened lately. I had a car accident, someone drove into the back of my car. Nothing major, they accepted responsibility and car is fixed but I have had about 5 phone calls from 'ambulance chasers' keen to get me to make a claim for injury that I haven't suffered.

My in-laws, well, they seem to think it is ok to tell me I look miserable. I am minding my own business, I don't want to be there because this is what happens, and they say it again I look miserable. I don't know what to say, I make an excuse, tired, cold, whatever instead of saying, 'how dare you?'. I did wonder about putting it in an email, how it made me feel, but I haven't I just haven't been back. They are old and since FIL has been ill my OH likes to check in on them when the dog has his evening walk and sometimes he isn't around to do that so I do it and the kids want to come and see grandma. But I don't want to hear that I look miserable.

I was on Citalopram, but weaned myself off very slowly before Christmas 2018. Partly due to being to ACOA meetings, wanting to feel the feelings rather than numbing myself. I felt foggy on Citalopram although it worked better than others I have tried. I had been on it since 2015 this time.

I have noticed since being off medication my mood does drop for that pre-menstrual phase (sorry if TMI). The moods do pass, they are not constant, I know I have been much worse, obviously or I would not have tried medication.

One other thing, I thought I had blocked my father's emails but one popped into my inbox this week. Haven't seen the grandchildren for 10 years, wouldn't recognise them, a picture would be nice.....

That doesn't help me. The reason I blocked his address was the effect these emails have on me. I recall them at odd times and just get angry. My father has had the choice, he is an adult, with all his faculties although he may now be 82 over the last 10 years he has had chances, he chose not to take them, I feel blamed.

Yes, I feel blamed by my father. I feel negatively judged by my in laws. I am being harassed by cold callers, whose numbers I block every time. And my husband wants to paint the dining room this holiday and he hates decorating and when he does anything like that I get triggered.

I can feel old patterns rising up in me, avoidance, isolation, inaction. I guess awareness is progress.
G

[Three Roses]

The title of your post says you need help, but I'm sorry - for me it's not clear what you need help with. Ideas of things to say to in - laws, father? Support in general? Affirmation /validation? I feel a little hesitant, thinking I might say the wrong thing.... 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Dear Gromit,

I think you are right, that awareness is progress. It sounds to me like you might be feeling a bit overwhelmed with things, in particular the attitude of family members around you.

While it is very difficult and tiring to deal continually with those attitudes it helps me to keep in mind that we can't change other people and that I am not responsible for their attitudes and actions. I try to remember that if they have a problem then it is theirs to deal with, not mine. It is very hard to deal with this stuff and try and remain calm, I know.

I know how wearing it can feel, to constantly have the drip of others' negative emotions and / of comments and 'observations'. They are not truth and we don't have to treat them as such. Easy for me to say I know. I know how it feels. I hope it helps a little to know you are not alone with these problems.

[Gromit]

Dear Gromit,

I think you are right, that awareness is progress. It sounds to me like you might be feeling a bit overwhelmed with things, in particular the attitude of family members around you.

While it is very difficult and tiring to deal continually with those attitudes it helps me to keep in mind that we can't change other people and that I am not responsible for their attitudes and actions. I try to remember that if they have a problem then it is theirs to deal with, not mine. It is very hard to deal with this stuff and try and remain calm, I know.

I know how wearing it can feel, to constantly have the drip of others' negative emotions and / of comments and 'observations'. They are not truth and we don't have to treat them as such. Easy for me to say I know. I know how it feels. I hope it helps a little to know you are not alone with these problems.

Thank you, I hope that is all I needed to be heard and understood. Sharp and Blunt, do you think it is worth trying to tell my MIL what her words do? FIL is too deaf to hear any response of mine, plus he has been less offensive since he has been ill.
G

[Blueberry]

Hello Gromit,

I was glad to see you again, I think it's been a while, but sorry about the reason you're back on. Just wanted to let you know I've been standing with you since you posted, even though not responding till now. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Gromit,

I'm not sure what is the best thing to do. In my experience asking people who don't listen to change their attitude has never worked.

What has worked for me recently is, if I feel miserable, is to be miserable. I can own my own feelings and if I feel that way and someone says something I might say "Yes, I am miserable. Thank you for noticing." and leave it at that.

It is then up to them. If they are genuinely concerned then it might open an honest and helpful dialogue. If they are doing it for points scoring probably you will see some raised eyebrows or catty comments.

What it does do is leave you with integrity. You can walk away from that situation still feeling miserable but not feeling shamed for it too. People who care about you will allow you that feeling and support you regardless. And when your mood lifts you won't have the feeling of disappointing yourself left over.

It's a hard position to take and honestly I am very bad at it having been a people pleaser at heart. But I have taken this position recently and while it felt very uncomfortable at the time I was glad I did. The sky didn't fall in and things went on much as before. Except I had told the truth about my feelings.

Asking someone to change how they act leaves the ball in their court but this way you can make your position clear while at the same time making it clear you don't expect anything from them. It might throw them a bit if they are not used to that.

I hope this is not preachy.

SaB

[Kizzie]

   It sounds like you need to let yourself be honest and tell people what you are feeling/thinking.  It doesn't have to be angry, just calm and honest and leave it to them as to how they decide to react.  If they get a snit on well that's their problem, if they are receptive then they are worth having a relationship with imo.

Re cold callers, we now have a "no call" law and list in my country so thankfully I don't have to deal with that anymore.  Before though I would exact a bit of revenge by telling them to wait a minute, put the phone down and go about my business,  tell them to call back when the home owner was there (and then keep doing that until they gave up), ask them crazy questions about what they were trying to sell .... It was me having some fun at their expense and got a lot of the irritation and anger out. Much better than yelling at them and helped keep my BP down. 

[Gromit]

Thanks for all of your kind words but, I think what gets to me is that when I am told I look miserable I actually feel normal, or perhaps on this last occasion anxious. Anxious that I am going to be told I look miserable. Then I feel upset or angry because I have been told I look miserable or even am miserable.

It is just my normal expression sometimes that they find so miserable.
G

[SharpAndBlunt]

I guess there are likely to be a lot of feelings triggered when you hear that you look miserable. I mean apart from it not being a nice thing to hear. There will be anger, resentment, all of which are hard to express without affirming the 'miserable' tag.

Maybe you can imagine the response you would like to give her if she says that again and there were absolutely no consequences.

Maybe then you will know what needs to be said, then you can take time to plan how to say what you're dying to scream out in her face but how to do it in a socially acceptable way. Being prepared for it will help when it arises again.

Aside from that you could try saying "I wasn't aware I looked miserable and I'm sorry you think that I do. I am quite alright, thank you, but your comments are unhelpful." and leave it at that, and just keep it simple.

[Gromit]

Thanks Sharp, that response is good, I hope I will remember it. Unhelpful is just what these remarks are. Talking for the sake of it, unnecessary and also judgemental.

I hope to be more mindful so that instead of trying to make excuses I will stand up for myself.