“Not Enough” creeps in through any unchecked spaces

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Jdog

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“Not Enough” creeps in through any unchecked spaces
« on: April 18, 2019, 01:40:34 AM »
I’m having a lovely day, really, filled with activities that I enjoy.  Exercising, playing my instruments, reading.  And yet, I see and feel the ghosts of “not enough” creeping into small spaces between my thoughts.  They are so nasty that I use eating as a way not to have to really deal with them.  I try to become numb, to play dead so they won’t notice me here.  This is not a very effective strategy.  The “not enough” ghosts just laugh at my feeble attempts, which themselves are not enough to escape the shadowy memories.

Sigh.  I suppose this recognition may be a baby step towards progress.

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Three Roses

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Re: “Not Enough” creeps in through any unchecked spaces
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2019, 02:47:24 AM »
I hear you, jdog. More power to you.  :applause:

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Jdog

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Re: “Not Enough” creeps in through any unchecked spaces
« Reply #2 on: April 18, 2019, 02:52:13 AM »
Thank you, 3Roses.   That makes me feel less alone.

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Deep Blue

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Re: “Not Enough” creeps in through any unchecked spaces
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2019, 03:45:04 PM »
Jdog,
You are never alone. I’m with you sweetie.

I have been fighting a lot lately... honestly once this darn abuse anniversary is over on Sunday I know I will feel more myself. Hope I’m still able to help while I’m like this  :Idunno:

What I can say now is that I love you. I know that feeling and for me it feels hollow in my heart. My heart flutters in a bad way. 

I’ll sit with you for a bit and hold your hand if you like.  Maybe you can change it up and watch a silly YouTube video or read something you wouldn’t typically read? Just a thought  :hug: if it feels ok

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Kizzie

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Re: “Not Enough” creeps in through any unchecked spaces
« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2019, 04:16:15 PM »
Oh yah, I hear you JDog.  My IC often sneaks in and  :blahblahblah:   but as you say I feel I'm further ahead than I was b/c I can hear the voice now and that wasn't always the case.  And I too use eating to chase it away, numb myself  which tells me a younger, hurting  part of me is still wrestling with demons and needs comfort  I haven't yet been able to give her. Not an effective strategy I agree and so I am looking for how best to help her. 

What I have started doing is when I hear one of the voices I listen and then say something like "Well that's really unkind or unfair, I don't deserve that." Because I don't and you don't either, none of us here do.  I think about the behaviour of those who abused me and everyone here and it just doesn't compare to how we behave and who we are as human beings - not . at . all. 

You are more than enough, we are all more than enough.  We are kind and caring people despite  how we were treated and that speaks volumes imo.  :grouphug:

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Jdog

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Re: “Not Enough” creeps in through any unchecked spaces
« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2019, 04:43:25 PM »
Deep Blue-

Thanks so much for sitting with me and holding my hand.  I do feel your love, and appreciate it so much.   I am actually reading something lighter than the book I just finished, which was about the 14th Century and took me almost a century to get through.  I had to stop often as the atrocities were incredible.   The up side was that it put today’s atrocities into some perspective. 

Kizzie-

Thanks for your kind words and for saying that you, also, use food to numb uncomfortable self criticism and pain.   I expect I will always struggle with this, but do feel progress being made.  I am not yet quite at the place where I can talk back to my ghosts but do aspire to doing so.  I am keenly aware of the need for ever more self compassion.  The therapist with whom I have an internet relationship helps but also makes it pretty clear that I need to start taking the training wheels off.  I appreciate all of the support I receive here, and it also gives me strength to support others who struggle - including my own spouse.  Thanks again! :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: “Not Enough” creeps in through any unchecked spaces
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2019, 08:36:01 PM »
 :hug:  right back at you my friend.

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Blueberry

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Re: “Not Enough” creeps in through any unchecked spaces
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2019, 08:56:02 PM »
Oh, Jdog those "not enough" ghosts - I'm sorry they're creeping in on you. I know them well myself. So I'm standing with you in this. I eat too to numb myself.  :hug:

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Jdog

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Re: “Not Enough” creeps in through any unchecked spaces
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2019, 09:04:00 PM »
Blueberry-

Thanks for joining me, for being on my side in this.  It feels like all this help from you and the other friends here is scaring the ghosts away a little bit.

Thank You Thank You Thank You :hug:

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notalone

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Re: “Not Enough” creeps in through any unchecked spaces
« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2019, 10:09:05 PM »
I hear the "not enough" along with many other attacks. Totally understand eating to sooth and cope. I like what Kizzie said:

What I have started doing is when I hear one of the voices I listen and then say something like "Well that's really unkind or unfair, I don't deserve that." Because I don't and you don't either, none of us here do.  I think about the behaviour of those who abused me and everyone here and it just doesn't compare to how we behave and who we are as human beings - not . at . all. 

You are more than enough, we are all more than enough.  We are kind and caring people despite  how we were treated and that speaks volumes imo.  :grouphug: