My Brother and Me ** Trigger Warning Physical abuse **

[lynnlilac]

Hello,

I am in need of some advice. I'm afraid I don't know much terminology but I will explain the best I can. Warnings for some description of physical and emotional child abuse.

I was always really close with my brother, who is a year younger than me. We got along exceptionally well, in part because my father was really tough on him, and I felt I needed to protect him. I was the responsible older sister from a young age. My brother, R, was kind of a goofball, had OCD and was on the autism spectrum. My dad couldn't stand his odd mannerisms and would punish him by making him run laps or do push-ups, even in public places. He never did any of this to me, although I was just as peculiar as my younger brother. I was just better at hiding it, I guess.

This culminated when my dad was screaming at my brother, who was hiding his face on his bed. My dad grabbed him by the arm and threw him on the floor. My mom made him do therapy after that. He stopped physically punishing my brother so much then, but he'd still scream at us. He would do it off and on until I was about seventeen.

I've tried talking about this with my brother, because it was horribly upsetting and scary to me as a child, but he doesn't feel like he was abused. He has told me that he doesn't think of himself as the victim in those situations. He's eighteen now, and he's been in a series of bad relationships and was diagnosed with depression. I know what we went through must have messed him up, if it messed me up, but he just doesn't recognize it I guess.

I suppressed my feelings on it for a long time, and I guess he must be doing the same. I just wish we could talk about it together I guess. It's really upsetting to me that he's the one who was suffering the most and yet he acts like there was nothing unusual about our childhood. I'm afraid that he'll repeat my father's mistakes is he doesn't recognize them as such.

I don't know. I guess I'm just not sure how to broach the subject with him. Our relationship has weakened significantly since we were children, and now when we see each other we don't really talk at all. I'm not sure I can bring up anything serious. Is there any good way to talk about this with him?

[Not Alone]

I hear your care and concern for your brother. It sounds like you did talk to him about your childhood. You are doing brave work, dealing with your past. He might not be ready to look at it yet. It is also possible that your father's behaviors affected him differently than it affected you.

[Kizzie]

It's really difficult to accept he is not there for you and that his life could be better if he saw what you see. It's yet another loss to Complex PTSD. Perhaps you can choose a book that talks about emotional and physical abuse, include a letter that expresses your love and concern, and leave it with him?  Sometimes all we can do is plant a seed and hope it grows.   

[lynnlilac]

Thank you both. I think I will send him a letter talking about it... I'm better at expressing my feelings through text. It's a lot to consider I guess. I think I'll wait to raise the issue again until he's off at college, so he has some distance from our parents.

[Blueberry]

Based on my own experience with trying to help other members in FOO (family of origin) is that they often don't want help, they don't really want to know and they can take very badly to having it suggested. Take very badly can mean things like: verbally attack you; agree with you but then turn it all around and start gaslighting later.

The other thing I experienced was my brothers then trying to help me with very unhelpful comments: "it's time you got over this" They felt / feel their lives are fine, except for the problem of having a crazy sister (me) and do not appreciate any ideas to the contrary.

Talking doesn't necessarily bring the recognition you're hoping for. Through all the years of therapy etc. I've had to get to a stage where I could feel what was going on and not merely be told by a T: this is how you're feeling and this is why.

I know it's sad not being able to talk about this type of thing with FOO members, especially siblings who seemed to go through the same thing but I would at the most mention that you're in therapy/counselling and it's helping, without going into any details. You can't prevent your B from taking on your F's dysfunctional ways.

There's a motto about dysfunctional famillies on our sister website OutOfTheFog called The Three Cs: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it.

I'd suggest you turn your feelings of care and concern to yourself instead. That can be hard, very hard. I still struggle sometimes. But you are the only person you can change.