MoonBeam's Recovery Journal

[MoonBeam]

It's another night without much sleep. There are many these days. I stayed in bed for an hour or so, my mind running, then finally decided I am not my best company and wandered around for a bit. Nothing feeling in any way soothing, I went down the rabbit hole of hating on myself joined by the myriad of negative beliefs I tend to hold, then I thought about OOTS. I could reach out. I thought I might post, but couldn't bring myself to comment on anything--I didn't feel like I had anything of value to offer. So I read and reread other's posts and started to feel a little less alone, less focused on my own distress. I thought if I began a journal then perhaps I can come here and tell someone when it gets to be too much. Sometimes it feels like I just need an anchor to be able to make it through--for someone else to know I'm drowning. I feel pretty alone in this most of the time.

I'm working with a therapist, who has really made a point to say she "has my back," and I believe she does, as much as I can. I see her twice a week. I'm also trying to work on a friendship I've had for around 7 years, someone dear. I never told her anything about my traumatic childhood or experiences until a few months ago--prompted by my T.  I never let anyone in and most of my relationships end after a few years. Somehow this one has stuck. She didn't run away or judge, she was kind and caring, but I still can't reach out to her when I'm in need of support. Trust is hard and being seen is terrifying.

So, here I am, grateful for the company and safe place to come out of hiding a little. Thanks for getting me through the night.

The sun is coming up. I think I'll make some coffee.

[woodsgnome]

It's good to see you've taken up the idea of journaling on here. It can, as you say, be a place of refuge from the overwhelm of trying to make it back out of the rabbit hole, the self-hate, doubts, and panic, not to mention sleeplessness.

I hope this can provide some relief. It's also good to know your t and your friend support you as well. May that continue and also spur progress towards recovery.

[MoonBeam]

Thank you woodsgnome.  It is so helpful to feel understood.

[Three Roses]

Sometimes it feels like I just need an anchor to be able to make it through--for someone else to know I'm drowning. I feel pretty alone in this most of the time.

Someone else to know you're drowning - to lend a hand - to say, "I've felt like I was slipping under the surface before, too" and know you're really truly not alone in this. 

[Hope67]

Hi MoonBeam - I hope you don't mind my popping into your Journal to say 'Welcome' and that I hope you find journaling helpful.  I really like your name, and your icon too.  Wishing you the best here.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Sometimes it feels like I just need an anchor to be able to make it through--for someone else to know I'm drowning. I feel pretty alone in this most of the time.

Someone else to know you're drowning - to lend a hand - to say, "I've felt like I was slipping under the surface before, too" and know you're really truly not alone in this. 

Glad you started a journal and that you took the risk to reach out to this community and to your friend. 

[MoonBeam]

Three Roses, Hope and notalone, thank you so much. I'm grateful for your responses. For lending hands and dear welcomes, for encouragement and understanding. Yeah, i don't have to be alone in this, not anymore.  I feel a little emotional, writing that.  Feels like a pretty big thing to say.  Thx.

[MoonBeam]

Trigger warning for struggling.

It's a hard day.  I've hit the reply button on my journal several times over the last few, but haven't been able to type anything. I don't really have anyone to reach out to, except my T and I don't want to pull on her. I always worry it will be too much, so I'm going to throw a line out here cause it's only getting worse with me as the captain.

I feel like it would take pages to explain, to lay the foundation, but I'm thinking all I have to do is say what I'm feeling and folks here will understand. There's a lot of emotion under the surface, several things came up this last weekend and this week, and all i want to do is crawl away, hide under a tree somewhere dark, curl up and drift away. Sometimes I think if I could cry, I could release some of this, feel relief, but it stays stuck in my chest. I feel exposed, afraid, like I'm free-falling with nothing to grab hold of. I'm berated by my inner critic, but trying not to listen. Trying to tell myself I'm ok, I'm safe.
I have to pull it together cause I have people to take care of and deadlines today at work, but I can't breathe or think clearly. I'm suffering in silence, like I always have. Why does it have to be so big? Feel so unmanageable? Overwhelming? I feel worthless and broken. This is such an old story. I just want it to go away, though I know I have to go through it. I've been trying to go around forever. Honestly, I'm hoping the dissociation will kick in and I can get back to functional numb. Sort of functional. Feeling is not something I know how to do and it really scares me.

Ok, I think writing this might be taking the edge off of the panic. I'm telling myself, this is not an emergency. Everything is ok. I am safe. This will pass. Breathe...

[Deep Blue]

Hello MoonBeam,
I never cry either.  Sometimes I feel like my chest is going to explode... but then I mostly get a panic attack.  I feel envious of others that seem to be able to shed those tears sometimes. 

I know those days.  IMO those days are even harder for those of us that have suffered trauma.  It's harder for us to keep bailing water when all we wanna do is quit.

We understand and care    I think the fact that you were able to reach out is huge.  I'll sit with you for a bit if you like? What do you like to do for mindfulness? Happy to help if we can.

[MoonBeam]

Mindfulness...  Ummm. I feel really foggy right now.   Listen to some music maybe? Or walk a lap around the block? Move? I tend to become frozen.

Thanks so much.  I can't believe you are here with me.

[Not Alone]

MoonBeam, I could have written most of your post, in other words, I understand those thoughts and feelings. Glad you reached out and posted. It is so hard when just breathing seems like such an ordeal. Were you able to go for a walk &/or listen to music? Here for you. 

[MoonBeam]

Thanks so much notalone.  I put headphones on and took a shaky walk.  I'm working on not listening to the shaming voices, criticizing me for needing help, for not holding it together.  I'm dealing with body memories too, they just keep coming.  It's just like this sometimes. this is my process. I'm going to hold on to the idea it will pass, cause it has before. And having support on here makes it different. I'm not going to just disappear under all of it.  Someone is with me in this, in a way I'm being seen, and it's ok. In fact it's helpful.

[Not Alone]

What you are going through is really hard. You are not doing anything wrong. Others who have been abused have similar experiences. You are not alone. This will not last forever. You are safe.

Glad you were able to listen to music and go for a walk. I also freeze and I know how hard it can be to get outside and walk. Be kind and caring to yourself.

[Deep Blue]

MoonBeam,
As you know, I hate body memories!!! It's not fair.  Why do we have to relive trauma through them anyway?

Still with you too 

I don't know what kind of mindfulness works for you, but I can tell you what I do. I try to listen to music, watch a silly video... love puppies and kittens.  Sometimes I'll watch a favorite movie.  Do you have a pet? I'm very physical so I often need to touch something.  Pet my dog, use a stress ball etc.

Whether it works or not... still with you

[MoonBeam]

My folks are staying with me-leaving Sunday. It's been hard. Complicated for sure. So my place doesn't feel safe to me right now. I have two sons who are 19 & 13-my younger son has intense OCD. He has a therapist, who I think is helping.
I have a big fluffy dog. She is amazing-A real comfort. And my 19 year old tries to help out all he can. I divorced my husband of almost 20 years, 2 years ago. He moved far away from us.
I've been trying to figure out who I am underneath all of this, but what I found after all the distractions were pulled away was all of my unprocessed trauma from my childhood and beyond.
It's still all there. All the running, denying. The broken relationships. It's all still right there. If I want to find me, I have to walk through this. I'm not always sure it's worth it.
Sounds terrible and selfish, but it's true. Sometimes I see light and love and what I think I might have been like, but mostly I see the train wreck of what others put on me, what I learned to believe about me-the worthlessness, brokenness.
There's got to be more than this. I'm just in a rough patch. I'm going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for being here and understanding.