MoonBeam's Recovery Journal

[MoonBeam]

Thx Tee. 

I find there are days where i just scroll the boards, I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. I tend to need to avoid triggers, so I'm careful about what I read on those days. Today is one of those days. I think I'm realizing I'm feeling anxious, unsettled. Maybe I'm looking for connection, camaraderie, distraction. I've been doing ok the last three days, even with a big old trigger and tough evening the other night. But since the trigger--the next day I started to have another piece of memory come in flashes. 

I'm feeling a little unsettled. A little unsafe.  Anxious.  I feel like I need to stay out of the deep end of the pool for a little while. I need a break, to get my feet back under me.  I'm starting to feel that tired, weary feeling that trauma leaves me with. The buzzy head and the edge, always vigilant--what's hiding around the corner or in the dark or right in front of me in plain sight.  I'm going to need to practice self-care tonight. I'm going to need to step up for me if I am to avoid an EF, which I would really like to do. I'm feeling tired of it always being a struggle. I'm not down at the moment, but feel kind of on the edge. I think it's been a week for it. Perhaps there's something in the stars calling my stuff out.

[Tee]

Take care of yourself. I get that. It's hard to be here some times.  For me it seems looking at others thoughts and committing actually helps me distract me from my hole at times. Sometimes that helps break my loops.  Not sure how much it helps me long term.  But it helps to know I'm not alone, and it makes me feel useful to to encourage others.  Sending love

[Not Alone]

**TW**
I used to leave my body during the abuse. I remember the first time that happened and it was after years of being abused already. I floated to the ceiling. I remember looking down on the scene, on me, but I don't remember what was happening. **End TW**

I get nervous often before therapy. I don't know why exactly. i just feel anxiety.

I also have a memory of floating to the ceiling and looking down on the scene.
Being nervous before therapy makes perfect sense to me. You're diving into difficult issues. I always feel anxious before a session. The amount of anxiety is related to what I plan on talking about.

Hearing that you are feeling unsettled. Makes sense with what you just went through plus having flashes of memory. Sending care to you.

[Deep Blue]

For what it is worth MoonBeam,
I have those days where I just need a connection too. I do feel connected to you 

[sanmagic7]

hey, mb, i've got one of those days today.  just want to take the day off, do a little of this, little of that, not much of anything but give myself a rest.  also on the edge, so i know that it's a good thing i don't do much and that will stop it in its tracks.  with you on this one, sweetie!  love and hugs   

[MoonBeam]

Agreed Tee. It is good to get out of my head and feel compassion for others.  A reminder I suppose that I can be compassionate for myself too.

notalone, thank you. It has bothered me greatly that I can't seem to control my nerves before a session, especially since my T's office feels like the only safe place in the world at times.  I think we're going to try grounding exercises together at the beginning of sessions to see if that helps. Yeah, the floating to the ceiling thing... Thanks for letting me know you experienced that too.

Deep Blue, thank you. I am feeling connections. It is a lovely feeling to have and I feel very cared for. 

San, thank you. I took it easy last night--didn't do anything except eat and stare at the sky. I'm letting that be ok. I even went to bed at a reasonable hour, though sleeping is always a challenge. I hope you had a restful evening.

Today is ok. I feel like I'm hanging in.  I usually have therapy today, but my T is on vacation. A well-earned one I must say . I do find I really look to our sessions to get me through the weekend. I feel like it will be ok though. I have some things planned--a friend's daughter's bat mitzvah. It will be social and I'm giving a few people a ride, so I have to show up. And on Sunday I'm hoping to pop by the bead store and perhaps make a little something. We'll see.

memory flash is still there and if I linger on it at all, it becomes unsettling fast. I try to tuck these things away, to deal with it in therapy, but I don't usually deal with them in therapy. I don't know why exactly, but I end up not talking about it. I think i wait to process it with EMDR, but those appts are pretty far apart and I've only had a few--3? I can't remember at the moment. I really struggle to get words out, to tell the story in talk therapy.  But if I don't, then I end up just sitting with them stewing under the surface for weeks. I don't look at it on my own very much cause it makes me feel unsafe and panicky. But it showed up to be processed I suppose. It's littler me stuff. Lately things have been about teen me.

I wonder about telling parts of my story on here some day. I think I've heard that other folks have written time-lines and the like. I haven't really seen those posts. Would that be a recovery journal kind of thing? I can feel myself dissociating a bit just thinking about it. Good to be able to observe what's happening in my body and when. I know in 12-step groups one generally tells their story to qualify, which clearly is unnecessary here. I'm not sure if that's what I would be looking for in sharing.  I think it would be more about not being afraid to be seen and not being at fault and letting go of the shame of my story. Letting some of it out. It's heavy to hold--our stories, our pain.

[Not Alone]

I really struggle to get words out, to tell the story in talk therapy.  But if I don't, then I end up just sitting with them stewing under the surface for weeks.

I also find it very difficult to "get the words out." Sometimes I look back at a session and realize that the memory that I told my T was told in a total of about 3 sentences and it took me the entire session to say it. If I don't tell him, then the memory loops in my head (and feelings) seemingly endlessly.

Glad you were able to take it easy last night. 

[Deep Blue]

MoonBeam,
I'm the champion of changing the subject, laughing off my trauma, and minimizing it.

My T knows me well enough by now that when I'm desperately trying to change the subject it means that something BIG is usually underneath.  Sometimes she will call me out on it right away. Other times she tries to steer me back.

We all deal with trauma in different ways.  The bottom line is that we all got through the trauma the best we could. There is no right or wrong way to talk about it in therapy.  Just do what you feel you can and write down things you are stewing about to bring to your T next time. 

Take good care

[MoonBeam]

Thx notalone. Yup, that's totally me.  The whole session over and I've stared at the floor, said hardly anything.  Sometimes my T just sits with me. And sometimes, when it's obvious i'm checked out dissociating, she calls me back in. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I can tell her something and not feel such fear and shame. Actually get the words out, make eye contact.  Cause its stuff that happened to me, not anything I did.  Damn it. I think that's what I'm working towards. It will always be disturbing, the things that happened--the bleep show that was my childhood (sorry). I do wonder if I would ever be able to share the story without all of the trauma seeping through with it. What is processed? Anyway, I'm so glad we have someone in our corners, guiding us on our journeys. A good T is a remarkable gift.

Deep Blue, thank you. That's the other side: me saying, well its not really that big of a deal. I'm not sure why it upsets me. It's way too easy to think I should be better, doing therapy better, all of it, but it's true. I'm just taking it as it comes and doing my best and sometimes that means avoiding the heck out of something. My T is like my witness now though and she can call it to my attention. So glad for you too that we have good care providers helping us, guiding us on this journey. I do write in a journal, things to bring to session. I don't always share it though. Maybe I should think more about that.

Thank you all for being here. Above all, I've been extremely grateful for the connection and care I've received. I'm sad we were all hurt and I'm grateful to not be alone. 

[Tee]

There's a lot of times that I don't say a lot while during my therapy. Hugs

[MoonBeam]

  Tee. Thx.

[Three Roses]

It's way too easy to think I should be better, doing therapy better, all of it....

This is me, too. Should be farther along, blah blah blah. The truth is that wherever we are in our healing, we are there. And that's okay. 

[sanmagic7]

just checking in.  hope you're doing ok, mb.  i know you've been having a rough go of it lately.

from what i've been reading here, it sounds like you're doing therapy really well.  you're also much further along than you were.  one example of that is posting here, speaking your truth, allowing us in so that we can show our support.  that's real progress.

sending love and a hug full of compassion for yourself and what you've gone thru.  you are where you are, and we've all been there in one shape or form.  just want to let you know you're not alone. 

[MoonBeam]

San, I'm not doing ok. Thank you for checking in. It means so much. It's a really tough night. I'm gonna go hide under the covers and just be still. I should probably do something else to take care of me, but I think that's all i've got. I'll try to write later. Love to you and everyone.

[Tee]

  I'm there with you MoonBeam, I'll bring my own blanket though.  This has been a really long week and it's only Tuesday. So if it's ok I'm going to wrap myself in my blanket and just sit with you tonight.