MoonBeam's Recovery Journal

Started by MoonBeam, April 20, 2019, 01:35:15 PM

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sanmagic7

mb, all you've got is enough.  i still see it as self-care.  you're keeping yourself safe and that's the most important care of all.  if it's ok, i'll bring my blanket, too, and we can just be together.  love all around.   :grouphug:

MoonBeam

Thanks Tee and San for sitting with me last night.

It took 45 minutes to get up this morning, which is better than some days. I don't know if I'm in an EF. I'm not sure what I'm in. I know that I'm tapping into some pretty deep places right now. It's been about parts of self. I was always afraid to allow these parts to be seen or heard, afraid they would take over perhaps and if I didn't keep it all held really tight--all of the split pieces, the shattered parts of my being, would either drift away or destroy me. Notalone, Hope, San (and probably more folks) have been doing some amazing work with their inner-selves and re-birthing, and I feel like this has allowed me to be brave enough to open the door a crack to experience some of this myself.

Coming out of the last, really intense and scary EF after my T spoke directly with my inner-teen, I think was the first little realization I had, that she just really needed to be acknowledged, she wanted to be heard. She had been acting out most defiantly and angrily. This honestly terrifies me. And since then, my little 7 yo self has shown up in a big way and she wants to be heard.  She wants to talk. She was forced into silence by others, then by me for so long. I thought I had completely destroyed any chance she could ever be ok.  I think I'm realizing it's grown-up me that is keeping me stuck, frozen, afraid of the trauma. It's too awful and scary for grown-up me to look at. Teen me told little me yesterday that by keeping it all secret, you can still pretend it never happened. But once you tell... 

Little me started talking, telling stories last night. Things she remembered, that grown-up me did not. Things grown-up me won't look at. FOO dynamics, abuse. She remembers a lot about her life. I started to let her write. It's on the paper. A paper I don't have to, can't look at.  I will try to bring it to therapy on Friday. I will have to read it out loud if I want to share it.    ****TW**** It's a lot about the abuse from one of the longer-term perps that started when I was 6, almost 7 and ended when I was 14. End TW** .  She just let her thoughts and experiences out.  Grown up me has never been able to write about any of it or talk about it.

Notalone, it is really hard to not feel like this makes me actually crazy or crazier--acknowledging the split. And there is a huge split. I appreciate what your T said about it, what you shared on your post.

I think I'm realizing this is the key to any chance of recovery for me. I never learned to love myself. I learned to hate myself. I've been trying to learn how to change this without the pieces, like a shell trying to feel full. It's not possible. I've been kind of floating in and out the last few days. Not feeling depressed, but seriously lost and not in my body. I need to be careful and try to practice mindfulness today. I'm a little afraid I might disappear. 

Tee

 :hug: MoonBeam I'm hear for you.  Healing is hard but letting you littles tell and sharing with your T are huge steps  :applause: :cheer: I'll be here cheering you on. You are not crazy.  We protected ourselves in the only way we could to survive. By letting different parts good different memories.  I still don't have many memories from 7-15 because I was so dissociated during that time of my life.  As we heal or parts start to fill in the holes.  You can do this. We are here for you.  Stay strong. Big comforting and understand hug. :hug:

Deep Blue

I see you MoonBeam. You won't disappear.

I agree that self love is what we all needed.  It is so hard to reprogram all the messages we got growing up.  I have a very difficult time loving myself.  Most times I struggle with even liking myself.

The way I look at it, I have to reprogram 25 years of my life! I'd been getting the message that I was less, dumb, lazy, for a long long time and it takes a long time to try to reverse it.  Hugs and love to you MoonBeam  :hug:

Not Alone

MoonBeam,

First, just want to give you a big  :hug:.

Your Teen, Little M, all the parts need and deserve to be seen and heard. I'm glad little you started telling. It was a great idea (and brave) for you to have her write things down. If you are not ready to read it, could you give it to your T and have her read it? Or maybe little you could read it to her?

I know this is really scary. You are not alone and you are not crazy.

Please tell Little M. that E is her friend and that E understands about bad, icky things. (To both of us: We are not crazy. We have dealt with great harm in a creative way.)

Sending a hug to all of you from all of me.  :grouphug:

sanmagic7

hey, mb, i think you are so the opposite of crazy!  speaking about this, allowing your younger self to write about it shows, to me, such progress, such strength and courage, in making yourself seen fully and whole.  that's what is continuing to keep you from disappearing. 

as i'm doing this work, i'm finding pieces of myself integrating in ways i never thought about.  i am becoming more solid.  i've spent so much of my life 'floaty', and i do believe i'm touching ground in ways never imagined.  please make sure you go at your own pace w/ all this, ok?  that's really important.  i think taking that paper to your t is a really good idea, too.  your t can help you stay grounded and assimilate the information, if you're ready to do that.  you don't have to push yourself - it will come in its own time, when you're ready.

thanks for posting here, for allowing us to support you, send you care and love.  those are things we've missed out on while growing up, and, even tho it might feel uncomfy at times (it has for me - it took me a long time before i could actually feel what i was getting from people here), it shows your courage.  you may be stronger than you think.  sending love and a hug full of acknowledgment of all the parts of you.   :hug:

just read notalone's post, and i totally agree w/ the idea of dealing with horrors in life in a creative way.  that's one of our strengths.

MoonBeam

Thx Tee for cheering me on. I appreciate it.  I hope you are hanging in and feeling ok today.

Deep Blue, Thanks for saying you see me. That brought tears to my eyes and made me feel safer. Yeah, its going to take some time to change those old paradigms. I think its possible though--which is new. Self-love I do believe, is a learned behavior. Just stopping the self-hate is a good first step.

notalone. Thx so much for understanding and honestly your and E's bravery has in a way allowed me to give my little M permission to speak. She is incredibly brave, resilient and even sometimes seems undaunted, like she still knows how to be joyful or in the moment.  I have a lot to learn from her. And seeing her now, I do see her creativity and how she utilized that to survive--all these years.
Thank you for the big hug. I felt it.

San, thank you. I really appreciate what you wrote about becoming more solid. I've been feeling the emptiness inside me acutely lately and allowing these other parts to be heard, well it kind of feels like even though its painful stuff, somehow I do feel a little more complete. Or a little less empty. Thank you for saying it's important that I share. I agree. That made me feel important.  It's time to start telling their story, my story. And you're so right. There was no one to tell before. No one to care.

I did bring the writing little M had done into session. I checked in first the day before to make sure it would be ok to share some hard things. It was a story about some of the things that happened and a clear recollection of things that were said--the programming, the lies, the manipulation. It was an honest account of her pain. It was our story, or the beginning of it anyway.

I ended up not feeling  that i could be vulnerable before I began reading and therefor kind of shut down and couldn't feel emotion around it, but i needed to get the words out. I've been holding onto some of these memories for months, others were newer. It's like they've been sitting on my heart, images, memories and I felt like they were smothering me. And if little M was brave enough to tell, I needed to be brave enough to let it out. So even though I was totally detached from the words I was reading, I still felt a lot of relief after. Like I had purged some deep poison.

I was kind of in shock/or super dissociated (felt more like shock) when I left the appt. I went home and curled into bed for an hour. That helped. I didn't want to be alone, so I went out to meet a friend and her daughter in town.  I'm really glad I went. I'm still doing ok. I have a lot to do for work this weekend and I'm having a hard time focusing, but I'm not in danger. I'm not wrecked. No EF to speak of. Hopefully this is a new chapter. Hopefully I've come out of that super scary dark place into a new clearing, where the sun can shine in and light the way a bit.

Thank you all for your loving, caring support.  :grouphug:

Tee

 :applause: :cheer:
That's great that you were able to share the story with your T.  I'm sure the dissociation with the emotions is still needed as you are healing.  It is hard to remember to the deep hurts of the past held by our littles.  I'm glad you're letting Little M have a voice and feel safe enough to share it.  That is so brave of both of you. Big hug :hug:

I told my T I'm scared that I may fracture again if I keep looking into the past trying to heal...  She said we will deal with it it happens.  But it really does scare me.  I'd almost rather stay stuck in my current exhausting * than break into pieces. :Idunno:

I really do think you are so brave and strong!

Not Alone

MoonBeam & Little M,

You were brave to write and read the letter. MoonBeam, it is okay that you didn't experience your feelings when you read it. You did a good job of taking care of yourself by taking a nap and then meeting with friends. (I'm always tired after a session, even a less intense one.)  :grouphug:

MoonBeam

#129
Thanks for the hugs and supporting affirmations dear hearts.  It was a tough session for sure, but somehow later it became empowering--sharing my story. In telling, it felt like I broke the rules. That I refused to keep their secrets, to protect them any longer. I think that's part of the reason I can't talk about things that happened, can't speak the words to my T. It's not so much that it's horrible (which it was) as much as I think that my training was so complete in keeping the secret, protecting the abusers, that I physically am not able to speak the words. Well and there's the shame...   It will be interesting to see how this progresses or changes (if it does  :'(   ).

My T suggested I burn the writing as a cleansing exercise and I had planned on doing that, but then realized that it is part of my story and not something that I need to feel shame or fear around. I decided to write down my feelings around the memories, around the story and burn that instead. To keep the pages somewhere, out of sight, for a while at least.

I think things are shifting for me. I know it's not going to feel like steady progress from here on out. There will be dark times that feel like back-sliding, but I think I have let go of needing to punish little me, teen me and perhaps even grown up me a little. I didn't realize how much i held little me responsible still. I find that a little sad.

I'm heading out of town tonight on a trip. Going to pick up my boys from their dad's 3000 miles away (they have been with him the last two and a half weeks) then heading to visit friends in Northern England. I've been soooo overwhelmed getting ready, passports, car rentals. Leaving my place is a bit of a chore--animals, gardens... But everything is in place (I hope). I was thinking traveling like this with my kids is actually pretty brave and quite the grown-up thing to do.  It will be good for me. Hoping to start some real self-care activities when I return. Oh yeah, and I'm quitting smoking cigs on this trip - gah! There's my first big self-care task.

Thanks for being here...  :grouphug:

Snowdrop

Hi MoonBeam,

The session with your T was tough, but it sounds as though you've made enormous progress. Being able to share your story is a huge deal, as is letting go of punishment.

Have a safe journey. I hope you have a lovely time  :).

Tee

 :hug: have a safe journey and enjoy your time with your kids.  They will be special memories that will last a life time make them count.  Congrats on the self care!  You can do it.   :applause: :cheer:

Be safe can't wait to hear about your adventures when you return. Be safe! :hug:

sanmagic7

sounds like it will be a great adventure for you and your boys.  enjoyenjoyenjoy!!!  and, congrats on quitting smoking - been there, done that at least 1000 times, but it finally took, and i haven't had one for over 3 yrs.  i'm with you all the way on that one.  do your best - it will be enough. 

sending love and a hug filled with the love of the open road (i love road trips).   :hug:

Not Alone

Quote from: MoonBeam on August 15, 2019, 06:40:55 PM
It was a tough session for sure, but somehow later it became empowering--sharing my story. In telling, it felt like I broke the rules. That I refused to keep their secrets, to protect them any longer.
Yes, that is a huge thing to tell the secrets. No need to keep their rules or protect any abusers. You have the right to speak and be heard.

Quote from: MoonBeam on August 15, 2019, 06:40:55 PM
My T suggested I burn the writing as a cleansing exercise and I had planned on doing that, but then realized that it is part of my story and not something that I need to feel shame or fear around. I decided to write down my feelings around the memories, around the story and burn that instead. To keep the pages somewhere, out of sight, for a while at least.
That is great that you realized what your T suggested was not a fit for you and came up with something helpful for you.

Quote from: MoonBeam on August 15, 2019, 06:40:55 PM
I'm heading out of town tonight on a trip. Going to pick up my boys from their dad's 3000 miles away (they have been with him the last two and a half weeks) then heading to visit friends in Northern England. I've been soooo overwhelmed getting ready, passports, car rentals. Leaving my place is a bit of a chore--animals, gardens... But everything is in place (I hope). I was thinking traveling like this with my kids is actually pretty brave and quite the grown-up thing to do.  It will be good for me. Hoping to start some real self-care activities when I return. Oh yeah, and I'm quitting smoking cigs on this trip - gah! There's my first big self-care task.

Very brave and grown-up thing to do.  :cheer: Enjoy your time with your boys.

Sceal

Sounds like you've done quite the breakthrough for you. Did you do the burning of your thoughts and emotions around the topic? If so, did you feel it helped?
I always wondered if I should do something similar to it, but never been quite sure if it would actually work. :P

A trip with your boys sounds wonderful, and nothern England is so beautiful. I hope you'll have a most wonderful vacation.