MoonBeam's Recovery Journal

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Three Roses

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Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #135 on: August 17, 2019, 03:58:13 PM »
Hey, grats on stopping smoking. That's tough from what I hear. I always loved traveling with my kids, seeing new places with them. Have fun!  :wave:

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Hope67

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Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #136 on: August 24, 2019, 01:47:54 PM »
Hi MoonBeam,
I hope your trip is a good one, and thinking of you.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #137 on: August 27, 2019, 04:07:53 PM »
thinking of you.  hope everything's going smoothly.  love and hugs   :hug:

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MoonBeam

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Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #138 on: September 18, 2019, 04:58:08 PM »
Hey everyone.  I think you would all say I don't need to apologize for being away for so long, but I want to. It wasn't my intention at all and I have missed being here. Travels were actually lovely--visiting friends in northern England was the best. Family stuff is always hard, had a deeper connection with my sis than I have in years and with that a ginormous trigger.  Re-entry into life was hard. Catch-up in general, school starting for my younger kiddo, catch-up at work  :blahblahblah:.

Right now I'm hanging in, though really struggling with some relational stuff.  I've been doing ok, since coming out of that super intense dark period, which lasted way too long. Well, I guess it lasted as long as it needed to. I must have actually worked through something though, cause things are different.

On a really positive note, I attended the first of a seven-class series on mindfulness meditation for anxiety. It is a group of 10 (i think) women and 2 facilitators.  It was mostly an introduction. I looooved it.  Can't wait for the next one.

 :grouphug:  MB

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sanmagic7

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Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #139 on: September 18, 2019, 05:15:25 PM »
welcome back!

glad that for the most part your trip was pos.  and so happy for you that you loved that class series beginning on mindfulness.  very cool!

and, no, you didn't have to apologize.  we're just glad you're here, safe and sound.  love and hugs, mb.   :hug:

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Three Roses

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Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #140 on: September 19, 2019, 04:44:56 AM »
Welcome back!  :wave:

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Hope67

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Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #141 on: September 19, 2019, 09:43:43 AM »
Welcome back MoonBeam   :wave:
Hope  :)

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MoonBeam

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Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #142 on: September 25, 2019, 08:52:32 PM »
Thanks so much San, Three Roses and Hope. It's so lovely to feel so cared about!

I'm struggling again and I'm feeling like I have no one to reach out to in my physical world. I've been having some triggers come up around smells and the usual anxiety and I had nightmares over the weekend and Monday eve, last night too, though not as bad. I think its related to my talk with my sister when I was visiting and the memories that has called up, but honestly its just a mess and I can't discern what or why I'm experiencing what I am. I'm so tired of this. I haven't been sleeping well, so I'm thinking I'm just really physically tired too. Plus honestly, I'm just not feeling well--headache, upset stomach, dizzy. The problem is I can't tell if its a physical response to the anxiety or if I just don't feel well. I feel lost and I have no way to find my way back. No anchor.

We had the second group meeting last night and one of the exercises was to breathe into our bellies for 1 count, then out for 2, then in for 3, then out  for 4--up to an out-breath of 10. I've been practicing that today when I start to get super anxious and its been helping. I was feeling pretty out of sorts when I got to the meeting last night. My boss was pretty much railing on me all afternoon about anything and everything because he was stressed out and I suppose I took it on. I felt battered by the time I left to go to the meeting and really just wanted to lie down in a quiet space before hand to settle or steal myself, but I didn't feel ok about asking to come in early and take up space. I didn't want to seem needy or out of sorts. I struggled through the breathing exercises and had a really hard time staying present, which bummed me out. Now I'm worried that I ruined the experience for others with negative energy and folks will think I'm not a good fit for the group--too much of a downer, self centered, too broken.

I'm feeling really broken today.  I'm afraid of not being able to manage another EF and after unraveling so completely this summer, I really want to focus on healing, on wellness, but I can tell I'm stuck. I'm not allowing feelings out, though I don't know how to let them come. I feel like I'm afraid of everything when all I want is to be brave and steady and strong.

I feel a little better after writing this. Less alone and less anxious.

Thanks for being here fellow journeyers.

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sanmagic7

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Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #143 on: September 25, 2019, 09:58:16 PM »
nope, you're not alone.

support groups are for people who feel broken sometimes.  we've all been there.  it sounds like you don't quite believe yet that you deserve to take up space, unless, of course, everything about you is perfect.  i've attended a lot of support groups, and honestly, part and parcel of them is to support the members no matter what space they're in.  i think you'd have been perfectly within your rights to ask to go in early so you could center yourself.  being centered or grounded is not unheard of in these places.

as for making a bad place for the others, i don't think so.  everyone does not come to these groups feeling 100% all the time, or there would be no need for them.  this is for you as an individual, just like for all the other individuals there.  you're not better nor worse than anyone else there.  i'm just glad the breathing exercise was helpful.  thanks for sharing - it sounds like it could come in handy.

i'm holding out a tree branch - grab on!  i know it's only virtual, and i'd do it in the physical world if i could.  you've gone thru a lot lately, lots of emotional stuff besides the trip - i've no doubt that it's taken its toll.  it's ok to just be with it, get some rest, allow it to flow thru and out of you.  it may take some time, but that's ok.  you're ok.  sending love and a hug filled w/ a compass.   :hug:

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MoonBeam

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Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #144 on: September 25, 2019, 10:17:17 PM »
Thank you San. You're right. The goal isn't to be perfect and that includes not having to always have it together. It should be ok to be fragile sometimes.

And thank you for the compass.  You always send the most perfect hugs.  :hug: 

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Three Roses

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Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #145 on: September 25, 2019, 10:20:24 PM »
I agree w/ San. It's tempting for me to believe everyone else around me has their act together, and I'm the only one in pieces. But I'd bet real money that most or all of the people there were in the same boat as you.

May peace, calm, and self acceptance be yours today.

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Jazzy

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Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #146 on: September 25, 2019, 10:50:00 PM »
Sorry you're having such a rough time Moonbeam, and that your boss is taking things out on you. That's no good at all. I hope you feel better soon, and find some peace. It is good that the breathing exercises, and writing have been helping. Take care! :)

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notalone

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Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #147 on: September 26, 2019, 01:41:35 AM »
MoonBeam: I care about you.  :hug:

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MoonBeam

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Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #148 on: September 26, 2019, 07:36:51 PM »
Three Roses. Agreed and thank you for peace and self-acceptance. Terminal uniqueness right? My self esteem is in the ditch right now and I can see how much I'm feeling less-than. It's old stuff for sure.

Jazzy, thanks for your kind thoughts and support.

NotAlone, Thank you. I feel your care. Right back at you  :hug:

I found a three-part work sheet on line on Janina Fisher's website called "Re-activate the Trauma Impacted Brain." She has them posted as an exercise for therapists to use with their clients. One of the exercises is to log experiences throughout the day of when I'm noticing triggers or feelings-what's happening, what the belief behind it is and wether or not it belongs in the past or present. I think the idea is to recognize all that is actually from the past that bleeds into the present and putting it back where it belongs. Like, if I'm feeling unsafe or scared is that related to something that's actually happening right now or is it an EF or trigger? It's been a little tricky because the feelings the past calls in so affect my present. It's been a good exercise so far-seeing how much I'm hijacked by the past though.

Like Tuesday, I was triggered by my boss's distress and actions and instead of being able to say, hey I know you are feeling frustrated, upset... I'm feeling a little targeted. I totally went into--I deserve this 'cause I suck mode and its my fault. Definitely the past. I couldn't figure it out in the moment 'cause I was too triggered and went into shut-down mode. I'm going to keep trying to work with this and see what I can learn about my patterns and reactions.

As for today, I still feel really unsettled and emotional. Still waking from uncomfortable dreams. I think I'm on the verge of putting another piece of the past together and I'm afraid of the fall-out. My inner critic has been in full swing and I think my teen is upset. She's the one who becomes self-hating and impulsive. I need to pay attention to her and let her speak. My heart is racing at the thought. Maybe she is the voice of my inner critic. I need to do everything I can to not end up where I was just a few months ago. I feel overwhelmed and I'm not sure what to do. I'm feeling like nowhere is safe and I wonder if that is related to what San said about not believing I deserve to take up space, cause that's a real thing for me, for my teen. past.

 :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #149 on: September 27, 2019, 12:24:58 AM »
that sounds like a good exercise, one that might be grounding for the present.  if you can tweak those past and present triggers out, it might help you feel a bit more stable. 

i hate those messy times.  i go thru them, too, but happily, not as often as before.  keep trusting the process, mb - you'll eventually get to where you need to go.  sending love and caring hugs.   :hug: :hug: