MoonBeam's Recovery Journal

[Three Roses]

It's still all there. All the running, denying. The broken relationships. It's all still right there. If I want to find me, I have to walk through this. I'm not always sure it's worth it.
Sounds terrible and selfish, but it's true. Sometimes I see light and love and what I think I might have been like, but mostly I see the train wreck of what others put on me, what I learned to believe about me-the worthlessness, brokenness.

I could've written this! The good news is that now we know we've accepted lies about ourselves as truth; but now we can throw off others' perceptions of us and begin to let our true selves blossom.

[MoonBeam]

Thank you Three Roses. You're right and I'd like to think I could tell the difference, though its so easy to go down the well-worn path of negative self-associations. Oh, where to begin nurturing that blossom?
I wonder about a time in the future where the first thought is something kind and nurturing, when that becomes the well-worn path. When the balance shifts from punishing to compassion. Practice I suppose and hearing others success stories. Or maybe I will feel differently? After a life-time its hard to imagine, but I'll leave the door open for sure.
Thanks so much everyone, for your insight and support.

Good thing, today is better.  I just kind of checked out for the rest of the day yesterday, was super tired and even though it was all still there this morning, somehow it has been manageable. I'll take it.

[MoonBeam]

Trigger warning. For history.
I've come to realize, it seems, my process for uncovering thruths, or my past, or... is that something comes up, either in therapy, or a trigger of some kind, I start to feel feelings, I struggle or push against those feelings, it then becomes increasingly physical (with memories, often this includes intrusive visual flashbacks and body memories) -- shaking, anxiety, headache, that feeling I'm not safe--so basically, a melt down.  Then, I start to get a picture of what I've uncovered and try to figure out how to move forward with this new information.  
An interesting thing, to see my process. It felt this time like I needed to grieve, but I didn't know how or didn't have the place to be able to do that and it turned into an avalanche or volcano maybe, seeking some sort of release.
This time its been about, well many things, but mostly, my relationship with my mom.  My folks have been staying with me and my boys--they do every winter, but this year has been really different. I haven't been able to engage with them. I basically avoided them at every turn. This has been hard for my mom as I've always reinvented myself to fit what she needed forever. But truth is I couldn't this time. And I won't tell her, "Hey I've been processing the trauma I experienced starting at 4--which mostly happened under your nose, and I can't deal with you. I can't give you what you need or take care of you like I always have. In fact, my heart is breaking realizing just how much I wasn't taken care of, even before the abuse started, how you just stopped caring for me."
There was always shaming and blaming, definitely so, when things came out in my teens--because I had a short stint in residential care and as a minor, things had to be reported...  I just had to put it all away to have a relationship with her. Which I did, for a long time.
This is a ramble for sure, but I'm just getting the picture of why I fell totally into an EF and meltdown this last week. I don't know. My T suggested that because I'm feeling more resourced, I'm able to look at some of these earlier disruptions-relational disruptions.  That seems like a good thing. I know thinking about my relationship with my mom feels almost as scary as looking at the CSA we've been digging up.
It's all really multifaceted andI'm pretty sure once I start looking at it, more will be revealed.
My new mantra seems to be, I can't go around it anymore, I need to go through it. I just really don't want to. But, I do want to live--really live. I can't say I ever really have.

[Hope67]

Hi MoonBeam,
I really related to so much of what you wrote here - and I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[MoonBeam]

Thank you so much Hope. I really appreciate your  . And your words of understanding.

[Deep Blue]

Oh MoonBeam,
I really can empathize with what you wrote.  I like that mantra but understand how scary that idea of going through it can be.

There is a difference now though! You now have us    we will listen and help you wade through it.  You don't have to face it alone anymore.

I think we all have different processes, and I am impressed by how honestly you have stepped back and looked at yours.  Do you think that reinventing yourself to please your mom is that fawn response? Just wondering?

As far as the flashbacks and body memories, I hope they ease up soon for you.  I notice mine come and go more in waves than anything else.  Hope you get some smooth sailing soon 

[MoonBeam]

Thanks so much Deep Blue. 

Today I feel like giving up, like there's too much on my plate -- I'm not handling any of it, and my inner critic is having a field day with it all. It helped to see your reply though, coming here, feeling like folks care and I'm not an anomaly, that there are others who understand what I'm experiencing. It makes it hurt a little less. I want to comment on other's posts, but I don't feel like I have anything of value to offer.
Definitely, I can relate to the Fawn in my relationship with my mom. That is really good insight. I can see it in most of my relationships. Something to look at for sure.

Journal Entry:
I've been thinking about the difference between an extended EF and depression. I don't seem to ever really come out of it. For an afternoon or a day or so, if I really look at it, but mostly I feel this heaviness all of the time. I keep thinking "I'm not supposed to be like this." But I don't recall how I used to be able to show up and even feel good. I don't seem to be able to remember what that felt like.
There are times where it's way more intense, related to a trigger of some kind or memory. It's the ache in my chest underneath it all that makes me weary. My T acknowledges for me, that there is a lot of grieving to do. I don't think I can give myself permission to grieve. I have no idea what that would look like. But I do feel the weight of it.
I need to take steps to feel better. I started to make a list of things that fortify me, or would be fortifying. Things I need to stop doing, as well, as they only add to the weight. I don't know how to actually do those things--like get up in the morning early, so I can practice a little yoga. I can barely drag myself out of bed and its only because I have to take my son to school. I would be late to work every day, I'm sure.

How do we begin to make these changes when just getting through is so hard? I don't see how I'm going to get through this. I'm feeling really low.

[Not Alone]

  It is really hard---everything sometimes----because of what you experienced when you were a child. It affected you significantly. You are not doing anything wrong because life is such a struggle. You are suffering the consequences. I understand how sometimes the simplest task seems overwhelming. Be kind to yourself. 

[Three Roses]

How do we begin to make these changes when just getting through is so hard? I don't see how I'm going to get through this. I'm feeling really low.

I'm struggling with this same issue at the moment. My back keeps going out and my overall muscle tone is not the best. I know I need to start exercising but just can't seem to find the energy!

My question to myself these days is, "How do I find the motivation to find the motivation to make the necessary changes?" 

I want to make changes, but that's not exactly right - a more accurate way to say it would be, "I want to want to make healthy changes."

Here's what I found that is helping. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm starting by choosing to believe in myself.
https://m.wikihow.com/Overcome-Learned-Helplessness

[MoonBeam]

Thank you notalone and Three Roses. I'm giving myself a hard time because I got through for so long, seemingly functional and now I've hit this wall, or more like, fallen into this pit. I was afraid I would fall if I looked into it. I've had "bad patches", hard times, but this time, for the first time, I am looking at the abuse I suffered as a child, trying to process it, so I can have the kind of life experience I want, not always trying to compensate for what has always felt like deficiencies, inadequacies, something that was wrong with me. I am doing this now because I never have been able to  before. In fact I properly blocked it out for years. So yes, it's going to be overwhelming, isn't it? It's tremendous. It's horrible and heart-breaking, what we all went through.
"Be kind to yourself." Right notalone. First thing I forget I can do. Darn Inner critic. I wonder if I can call it out--separate the unkind thoughts, the untruths? Thank you for saying I'm not doing this wrong. I forget there is no right way and berating myself for feeling badly, well it only makes it worse.
3R,  I'm sorry to hear about your back. I hope it gets better soon. Yes! I want to want to make healthy changes. Well, said. It seems like I'm getting through the day, maybe making progress, then something else gets added on or comes up or happens and the scale tips and I'm under it all again. I can write down a list of things I can try to do to help, but doing any of them feels out of reach.
I need to begin small. I'll try to think about one thing I can do, just one thing that's different, that's kind, that changes the old story.  I'm connecting with you all here--that's something. I'm so grateful. It really does help.

[Not Alone]

I need to begin small. I'll try to think about one thing I can do, just one thing that's different, that's kind, that changes the old story.  I'm connecting with you all here--that's something. I'm so grateful. It really does help.

In my therapy session recently, I told my therapist something that I was thinking of doing for the little parts of me, then I said, "What good will that little thing do?" He said if you are in a dark cave, a little light sheds a lot of light. It doesn't light the entire cave, but it makes a difference."

[MoonBeam]

Thank you notalone. That image has been helpful. A little light really can make a difference and I've been feeling like I'm in a dark cave.

Journal: It's been a few days since I've been able to check in here. I've been super overwhelmed. Today, I almost didn't get out of bed. It was all I could do to drag myself up and out. I'm not sleeping much at night and that always makes it harder. I felt a little better when I got to work--lots of distractions, but I don't feel like I've had a reprieve from the darkness in a while. I'm tired of being down and none of my old coping mechanisms seem to work anymore. It's like I'm having to completely reinvent. I'll admit, most of my coping mechanisms are not the healthiest, so this is probably a good thing in the long run.
I've sort of moved into a place of numbness, not really feeling anything. I sense myself lift-off, or out in T sessions. I can't seem to stay present for anything.  I'm trying to remind myself that I deserve patience and kindness. We've backed off talking about anything heavy in T, just looking at the day to day. I thought it would be a good time to create fortification, some tools for coping. I'm not getting there though. I was triggered by something in our last session and it was all I could do to tell her. I am so shut down. Something has to give. I'm stuck and I wish I knew what I need to do to move it or how.
I really wish I had something positive to share.

[MoonBeam]

I just reread this post from a few weeks back--I can't believe between copying the text to opening my journal, I can't remember who shared it. Gah!  Anyway:
"I came across this today - "Trauma is not in the event; it is in the nervous system."  For me it emphasizes the deeply physiological aspects of trauma versus the tendency to see it as strictly psychological.  It speaks to why I have always felt that I am not holding onto trauma, rather it is holding onto me.  It isn't merely a memory, it resides in more places in my physical being than just my brain/memory."
*TW* I've been in this so much, to the extent that I am lost inside a swirling mess of trauma. I can't think of any other way to describe it.  I'm having trouble seeing the person inside the mess. It's not even feelings. I feel nothing. I have a sense of pressure or pain in my chest, so I know something is there. I'm having flashes of memory. They swirl around in there, swoop over me, making me wince and turn away. This isn't new. There's usually panic attached to this experience, but even that is mellow in this fog.
I think maybe my mind, my body, my being, is verging on releasing a new memory, or more pieces of an old one, something I tucked neatly away, to keep me sane--I was never safe. One thing that's interesting is for a moment I can see me as a young child, like a real person, playing alone, actually see me--the child, existing...  I think this might be a good thing, perhaps some kind of acknowledgment that there was a me in there somewhere, a child who existed outside of the abuse, the neglect, though I have no idea where she is.  Maybe I'm on the verge of finding her.

[Not Alone]

Feeling for you being "lost in the swirling mess of trauma." I know the feeling and would like to send you a hug.  You are not alone.

[Hope67]

Hi MoonBeam,
I would also like to extend a supportive hug - if that's ok   
Hope