MoonBeam's Recovery Journal

[Hope67]

Dear MoonBeam,
I just wanted to offer you a comforting hug, if that's ok    I know you wanted to see that band, and normally you'd have managed to go, but for some reason you just weren't feeling up to it, and that's ok.
Just wanted you to know that I relate very much to what you said - it's hard sometimes to push through to do something - and maybe that's ok.  I'm glad you're not being hard on yourself, and I hope that whatever you end up doing instead of the band, that you'll be ok and maybe even enjoy whatever it is.   
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Oh well. I'm going to try to not give myself a hard time about it and just accept that I did what I felt I needed to in the moment-self preservation.

Although disappointing that you didn't see the band, it is okay that you decided against going. I understand that feeling of looking forward to something and then anxiety builds. Difficult and frustrating. I'm glad you made a decision that felt the most caring for you.

[MoonBeam]

Hope and notalone, thank you. I was disappointed for sure, though its much better when I'm the only one I'm letting down. Not being able to show up for things is a fairly regular occurrence, but this time it felt a little more like a choice. I did get some crap from the ICr later in the eve, but managed to just go to bed early and figured I'd deal in the morning.

I really am doing so much better overall. The further away I get from the summer and how rough things were for a while there, I can see that I am beginning to integrate the ways in which I have been supported and held, the things I've learned so far and feel like I'm building some resiliency to the past and life in general. 

I'm heading out soon to the 4th Mindfulness Meditation Group. Not sure what I'm going to share about last week--the intensity, the dissociation, how activated I became from the breathing exercise with the group. I am looking forward to it though. I shared with my T about my experience. She's not leading the group, but is a support to the person who is. I think she mentioned to her it was kind of an intense exercise. I think it will be scaled back tonight. If I get triggered, it will be another opportunity to assess and perhaps ask for help, though I'm not feeling like it will be triggering.

MB

[MoonBeam]

Went to group last night. It was triggering. Though I feel like I managed to stay in my body. Or at least I was able to bring myself back in. Not sure. I found myself feeling super anxious when it got time to go. I'm wondering if it was because last week was so intense. We did an exercise that involved breathing in, in short gulps to fill the lungs, then breathing out in a steady exhale. It made my heart race. Another person at the group shared that her heart raced too, but she felt invigorated. My heart racing felt like terror. I didn't share about that and that's ok.

The second thing that brought me a lot of discomfort was near the beginning there was a lot of emotional sharing. Two people cried while they talked about the feelings that were brought up with the other exercise-a heart exercise (that I missed last week because I was totally dissociated). One person was sitting next to me and as she shared I instinctually wanted to comfort her--to put my hand on her shoulder. I felt great compassion and admiration for her bravery and vulnerability.  I didn't comfort her because I don't know her or what would be ok with her or what she needed.

I found myself feeling more and more isolated. The old feelings of not belonging. Like I shouldn't even be there. I don't know why I was so uncomfortable. I don't feel like I was wishing I could be vulnerable too. I had a serious flight response. Wanted to bail. I've been feeling really isolated lately, like I really don't have anyone to reach out to, so it makes sense that is where the discomfort would land.  And today I'm feeling super dysregulated. Alone. Sad. I want to crawl into bed and hide. I can't though. I have meetings today and need to pick up my kiddo, food shopping, all the things. The whole showing up even when we don't want to.

I just really don't want this to turn into something bigger. I think it's just discomfort right now. I won't be able to talk about it in person for a few days.

[Blueberry]

I hope that mentioning it on here has helped a bit? Whether or not virtual  anyway.

[MoonBeam]

Blueberry. Thank you. I was just feeling embarrassed by how whiney my post was. Some younger part of me for sure. I came back to edit and here you are. I always feel better when I reach out here and am so supported. I am truly grateful. I meant to say so.

I know I'm not alone when I come here. 

[Blueberry]

 

Your first post didn't strike me as whiney btw.

[Not Alone]

Your post didn't seem whiny to me either. Just that you were processing. 

[MoonBeam]

Thank you both. 

[Hope67]

Dear MoonBeam,
Sending you a hug    The session you attended sounds challenging so well done for being there and getting through that. 
You're processing a lot, I think, and I hope you are ok. 
Hope 

[MoonBeam]

Thank you Hope.  I really appreciate your  and support.

The group has been challenging. There are three more classes. I want to keep going, but I am feeling pretty disconnected about it. I feel myself shutting down and that is a little disappointing to me. I don't want to create drama where there isn't any--because I can't stand being in my body. Maybe I'm sabotaging because its uncomfortable.

Overall, I have been doing better, though this last week I've been feeling like I'm walking on an ice patch. Like I'm trying to stay upright, but could slip and fall at any moment. I asked myself last night--what are you doing to feel better? The answer is: nothing really. I'm just hanging on, though I'm not sure what I'm hanging onto. Busying myself in the details of the day, crashing into bed at night, and waking up with my brain in full fear, stress and discomfort mode. Then doing it all over again.

I've been reading some great articles written by Janina Fisher, PhD. about sensorimotor psychotherapy. She's been working with complex trauma for over 20 years and even worked with Bessel Van der Kolk early on. She is also the author of the worksheets I was looking at about recognizing what feelings, triggers are related to the past and what is actually happening in the present. She also writes a lot about how important stabilization is before even trying to work through stories and memories of trauma. About ways to create and maintain that stabilization. I feel inspired about ways to move ahead in recovery when I read her work. It's even given my mood a little lift, but then I come right back down again. Everything is feeling heavy. I wonder if I feel like that when emotions get trapped-when I don't let them out and I'm holding them, heavily in my arms, my heart, my body.

[Jazzy]

Hi MoonBeam,

I just wanted to point out that you have been reading articles and going to your classes, so you are doing a lot more than nothing. I've tried group therapy a few times, and I really can't handle it, so to me you are doing a lot. Hope this helps a bit. I hope you feel better soon, and can get your feet back on solid ground.

Take care!

[woodsgnome]

I think what you're experiencing with at least some of this is your inner critic, who also likes to blindfold its person into thinking they're doing poorly when there are at least some signs to the contrary.

So I concur with Jazzy in noticing that there are indeed these other signs that indicate you may not exactly feel in a good way, that under the radar there are those signs. For instance, the book by Janine Fisher you refer to -- sounds like a good haven in which to search and appreciate some of the ways you're not stuck.

Regarding the group, sometimes they are just too much to trust fully, but again your willingness to even try at this at least shows your willingness to allow for the chance to derive some benefit from feeling so vulnerable.

This may sound crazy, but I find it's helped me to softly breathe in/out, recite a word like 'peace' to myself, and relax from over-thinking the situation. Especially in a specific group situation (not a general social meeting) -- others may even feel as jittery as you do in that sort of gathering.

I hope you can feel less stuck, soon 

[sanmagic7]

hey, mb, sorry you're struggling at the moment.

i agree w/ the others that you are doing things for yourself, for self-care and encouragement, even if you can't recognize them all the time. 

discomfort can feel dangerous to us, for sure, especially if it's related to some past experience.  like being vulnerable in front of others.  maybe that's happened to you in the past, and something bad happened because of it.  i know i've projected my own experiences at times when i see others do something that wasn't positive for me to do when i was younger.  it might be a fear response that was uncomfortable for you.  i don't know, just some thoughts off the top of my head.

at any rate, i honestly think you're doing a great job with this so far.  you're noticing your emotions and feelings even if you can't quite recognize them for exactly what they are.  group experiences can certainly bring that out - i've been involved in a lot of groups, and learned a lot from doing so.  i think you're learning about yourself, and i don't think that's a bad thing.  keep doing what you believe is best for you, ok? sending love and a hug filled w/ self-awareness.

[MoonBeam]

Hey Jazzy, Thanks so much for your insights. It's easier to say I'm not doing all the things than to acknowledge the things I am. And Woodsgnome, yeah, inner critic--it's never enough. and San too, the group is intense. You are all so right--there is intimacy required to participate in a group like this and as soon as it gets real--people sharing and connecting, I'm ready to fly. It is indicative of a real fear of being seen, of seeing, of experiencing intimacy.
San, it really was a feeling of danger--this isn't safe. Why? All past. All true--as as soon as you let your guard down the things that happen matter, you let people in and bad things happen. A very old paradigm.
Thank you all for pointing out that I am trying. I am showing up, though it seems somewhat hollow when I can't take any of it in. Inner critic? probably. I sound and feel very cynical.
I think that is sound advice woodsgnome--I don't have to dive deeply into the exercise, I can just breathe softly in and out and repeat affirmations. Just take in what I can. That is something. and san, I am experiencing emotion. trying not to fear it and hate myself for it.

A few nights ago I had a breakdown like I haven't in over a year, since the first memories surfaced since beginning therapy. Though this was different. I wasn't feeling fear and horror, grief for injuries, I was feeling a profound sense of worthlessness, that I ruin everything and that I have failed profoundly. It felt like I was taking responsibility somehow for all the things that I didn't/couldn't hold. I cried for hours, until there were no more tears and I was still sobbing, my face hot and fevery. It just wouldn't end.

I have a lot on my plate. Crazy busy work week. Ten and twelve hour days at work. My kid's dad has been visiting the last few days. I suppose that's a whole other tale. I behave and make nice and make it all ok for everyone. I want to tell everyone to just expletive off.

All I can do is keep going. Keep moving, showing up. And here I thought I was going to get out of an EF. funny. Thank you all for being here. I used to pride myself on being able to write beautiful things. To create a mood, tell a story, inspire with words. All I can do now is pry a few words out, to try to understand and attempt to let it all go. I feel like a shell. Where am I in all this...