Hey Jazzy, Thanks so much for your insights. It's easier to say I'm not doing all the things than to acknowledge the things I am. And Woodsgnome, yeah, inner critic--it's never enough. and San too, the group is intense. You are all so right--there is intimacy required to participate in a group like this and as soon as it gets real--people sharing and connecting, I'm ready to fly. It is indicative of a real fear of being seen, of seeing, of experiencing intimacy.
San, it really was a feeling of danger--this isn't safe. Why? All past. All true--as as soon as you let your guard down the things that happen matter, you let people in and bad things happen. A very old paradigm.
Thank you all for pointing out that I am trying. I am showing up, though it seems somewhat hollow when I can't take any of it in. Inner critic? probably. I sound and feel very cynical.
I think that is sound advice woodsgnome--I don't have to dive deeply into the exercise, I can just breathe softly in and out and repeat affirmations. Just take in what I can. That is something. and san, I am experiencing emotion. trying not to fear it and hate myself for it.
A few nights ago I had a breakdown like I haven't in over a year, since the first memories surfaced since beginning therapy. Though this was different. I wasn't feeling fear and horror, grief for injuries, I was feeling a profound sense of worthlessness, that I ruin everything and that I have failed profoundly. It felt like I was taking responsibility somehow for all the things that I didn't/couldn't hold. I cried for hours, until there were no more tears and I was still sobbing, my face hot and fevery. It just wouldn't end.
I have a lot on my plate. Crazy busy work week. Ten and twelve hour days at work. My kid's dad has been visiting the last few days. I suppose that's a whole other tale. I behave and make nice and make it all ok for everyone. I want to tell everyone to just expletive off.
All I can do is keep going. Keep moving, showing up. And here I thought I was going to get out of an EF. funny. Thank you all for being here. I used to pride myself on being able to write beautiful things. To create a mood, tell a story, inspire with words. All I can do now is pry a few words out, to try to understand and attempt to let it all go. I feel like a shell. Where am I in all this...