MoonBeam's Recovery Journal

sanmagic7 · October 15, 2019, 05:31:42 AM

you're here with us, mb. maybe you can't see yourself right now, maybe only flashes once in a while, but you're here, and we're with you.

your honesty is forthright and courageous, and i give you all credit for that.

it will eventually smooth out a bit and you'll get your feet under you again. sounds like you really do have a lot going on - plus, holding that 'i have to make it all okay for everyone' mask is a heavy load. it gets wearing and knocks us off balance.

please be kind and gentle with yourself, ok? you deserve that. i liked wg's suggestion, too, that you might want to do those group exercises at a level that's comfortable for you.

a quick story about the lion and the roar. male and female lion go out to hunt. the male has a ferocious roar, very scary, but the female is the true hunter, very dangerous. when a herd of animals come through lion territory, the male goes to one side of the path while the female goes to the other. as the herd gets closer, the male begins roaring. from past experience, the herd recognizes that sound and veer away from it, but what happens is that they go straight toward the female, who proceeds to bring one down.

i heard this story many years ago, and learned to look for the lion and the roar in situations that are frightening to us. the roar is just hot air, and won't hurt us, even if it seems scary. it makes us uncomfortable, but it doesn't really hurt us. it's the actual lion, the true danger, that we must be afraid of and stay away from. too many times, our past experiences roar at us, and we become scared cuz they remind us of a time when we were really in danger, so we run from the roar. we often do it automatically cuz we've been in danger when we heard it in the past.

i think part of our healing helps us to distinguish just what is the lion, the true, present danger, and what is the roar, the hot air that sounds dangerous, but really doesn't hurt us. the more we're able to face down the roar, the less real danger we are in. it's scary, it's uncomfortable, but in the present, it won't hurt us, won't cause damage.

don't know if that helps at all. it's helped me, so i thought i'd pass it on.

sending love and a hug filled w/ energy and stamina.

MoonBeam · October 15, 2019, 05:38:54 PM

Thank you San.

I very much appreciate your story. It is echoing the awareness I'm trying to hold in asking myself, is this response--fear, emotion, panic--in alignment with what is actually happening in this moment? Is it reflective of what I am experiencing here and now? I appreciate being able to hold the lion as a visual for the reaction, the roar. Thank you.

MoonBeam · October 18, 2019, 09:28:20 PM

Had the fifth group meeting on Tuesday eve. I had t earlier in the day and was seriously unsettled--still in whatever I had been in over the weekend--deep grief and shame. During our meeting something shifted and I felt a profound sense of relief and really let go of the shame and grief I had been sitting with. I didn't cry, it just lifted. My t was talking about a perspective shift-something we've been looking at recently. She reminded me that I now have the perspective of the adult as well as the perspective of the child being injured. That I can call on that perspective in those intense EF's. I felt great relief and felt supported and that I would be ok.

It's about tapping into the dual awareness we've been talking about. We talked about how when folks w/o or who have worked through their trauma grieve, while they are in it they have a sense that they are supported, that it will pass and they are fundamentally, underneath the feelings, safe and ok. (The dual awareness of the experience and the current reality) I didn't have that. I've never had that and when I was in such despair over the weekend, it felt just like when I was little. That it was inescapable, that it would never end, that I was totally alone in it and that it would end me. I can see now with my adult perspective, that isn't the case. It did end and I am ok and I do have support. I felt good after the meeting and was even noticing some magic in my life, which I miss when I'm totally stuck in the trauma.

I got to group that evening feeling pretty good still and we started a breathing exercise that involved having our hands over our nose. Instant trigger, Instant flashback, couldn't breathe. So I stopped! I stopped and breathed calmly and evenly and thought affirming thoughts (thank you Woodsgnome and all) and waited for everyone else to finish the exercise. I didn't dissociate. I took care of me and it was totally fine. I did feel a bit unsettled, but not derailed. I think that is an implication of the resilience I am building to experiencing those kinds of flashbacks. It didn't feel like I was stuffing it, more just stepping to the side of it. That I could get away. That it wasn't the current reality. I was in a room with other people, safe.

i wanted to share cause it feels like progress and you all have helped me so much with this.

Jazzy · October 18, 2019, 10:34:37 PM

Sounds like great progress MoonBeam, good job!

Blueberry · October 18, 2019, 10:51:21 PM

Yes, great progress and great self-care, MoonBeam!

Three Roses · October 20, 2019, 03:24:34 PM

QuoteI stopped and breathed calmly and evenly and thought affirming thoughts (thank you Woodsgnome and all) and waited for everyone else to finish the exercise. I didn't dissociate. I took care of me and it was totally fine.

It's great to hear this! I'm happy for your progress!

Not Alone · October 20, 2019, 11:50:13 PM

MoonBeam, big progress in during your therapy session and in your group.

MoonBeam · October 22, 2019, 06:57:56 PM

Thank you Jazzy, Blueberry, Three Roses and Notalone, for your support and seeing progress.

The weekend was rough, but I think it's lifting a bit today. I had been having intrusive flashbacks last week and kept putting them in the container, so I would not be dragged down by them. I do find that helps, but it also seems when they come up, they come up to be seen and are not willing to stay in the container for too long. I can't sit with them and process. I don't have the skills. So I put them away and get through. Mostly they hit me first thing when I wake up--when my guard is down. Then throughout the day any time I stop or shift focus, or don't focus. It's just a recurring visual that I can't stop seeing, its behind everything.

Over the weekend, I took a moment to sit with it because I started to notice a lot of negativity creeping in, really harsh ICr, the underlying shame and darkness. I couldn't really separate which part was wanting to be heard from adult me and a sense of worthlessness was really starting to settle into my now, my present self. I've been really working with trying to identify that which is from the past and that which is actually current. I feel more confident in identifying teen me, but this was younger. I did some writing, just wrote what was coming up. I think it was the right way to handle it. Turns out it was 10yo me. I was worried about falling into a long EF with it all, but today I'm feeling a little relief. Shaky, but some relief. So there must be something in her needing to be validated. I have t today, then the meditation group tonight. I'm not sure if I'm going to bring it up in t. I thought it was important to tell the secrets to break the power they hold, but now I'm not sure.

Hope67 · October 23, 2019, 10:42:25 AM

Hi MoonBeam,
That container sounds useful, and I'm glad that you were able to put your intrusive flashbacks in there, so you weren't dragged down by them. I relate to what you said about how things were on the weekend. I find that sometimes my parts blend with me, and I can't separate which part is where, and which part is my adult self etc. It's difficult. It was really good to see how you wrote things out, and were able to separate which part was communicating, and that you have found some relief.

I hope your T goes ok today and also your meditation group.

Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok.

Hope

Not Alone · October 24, 2019, 12:23:47 AM

I also try to put things in a box and put them on the shelf. It helps, but like you, those things want attention and "show up" here and there. Things hit me early morning also, when I am vulnerable.

For me telling someone the secrets is really important, but sometimes the part needs to be behind the scenes for awhile before she feels safe enough to come to therapy. Telling the secrets is REALLY hard and takes time.

MoonBeam · October 30, 2019, 12:47:13 AM

Thank you so much Hope and notalone for your responses.

I haven't been posting this last week, but wanted folks to know I'm here and reading and thinking of all of you with deep respect and compassion. I'm treading water, but hanging in. On the journey.

Not Alone · October 30, 2019, 09:55:34 PM

MoonBeam: Throwing a floatation device to you to make keeping your head above water a little easier.

Jazzy · October 30, 2019, 10:46:44 PM

Hope you feel better soon MoonBeam! Take care!

Hope67 · December 04, 2019, 07:57:51 PM

Dear MoonBeam,
Sending you a hug, and hoping you're ok

Thinking of you
Hope

MoonBeam · December 10, 2019, 03:08:10 AM

💛

I'm not dependable. I want to be.
I disappear. I don't mean to.
I know you understand, but still i'm sorry.
I wish I were different, resilient, strong, free. I'm not.
I'm broken and the pieces are everywhere.
I want to gather them, but there's too many to hold.
Thank you for being here with me anyway.