MoonBeam's Recovery Journal

Started by MoonBeam, April 20, 2019, 01:35:15 PM

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MoonBeam


MoonBeam

It's been a little while since I've posted in my journal. I've been lurking here and there, but haven't been able to write much. I've been thinking a lot (always) about this journey, but with support and each new piece of insight from all of you, my T sessions and (sometimes terrifying) self-discovery there is a little more light than there was before.
I started therapy about 10 months ago because I was heading deeper into depression and things were really falling apart. My relationship of 20 years had ended (my initiative), I was full-on in single parenthood (still am) and then I lost my job. I started to fall into a really dark place-one I had remembered being in before in my late teens/early 20's (20 plus years ago). I was self destructive, self-harming, totally alone, medicating with drugs/alcohol/anything, lost...  I could see I was heading down that road, though I didn't understand why. I thought if I could get some perspective, I could get back on the horse and things would start looking up. Easy peasy.
Some weeks into therapy, my T asked me about my history. I explained i didn't really remember much of my childhood and what's past is past, so it doesn't matter anyway. She asked if I had any history of trauma? Again, irrelevant in my opinion.  (I imagine that's why she gets the chair and I get the couch, right?) I was so wrong. I see how my denial and dissociative amnesia served me, but eventually it seems that all things that are built on a misshapen, broken, incomplete foundation will eventually crumble. That's exactly what's happened.
I've been realizing that in the last few months really, I went from having no past to having a past filled with abuse, hurtful, neglectful people--complex trauma in a nut-shell (no pun intended, kind of). There is still so much I don't remember, but the lid has definitely been opened and the memories which have come to the surface have been horrifying. I've read a lot about CPTSD since beginning and I'm blown away how all the patterns, the symptoms had/have permeated my life--even when I was what I would have considered functional. I'm textbook CPTSD (If it were in the textbooks)!
Anyway, what this all means to me at this moment is my constant fear of the past, running and pushing away, denying no longer works. Though I am beginning to appreciate that it was what kept me going all those years, it now has become just as detrimental as the trauma I ran from. I think these awarenesses sink in, in layers, little by little. With this, my hope is that I can find a way to accept? the past I was given. That I can stop trying to go back to something that never existed--the me I feel I'm supposed to be, or wish I was. That I can find a way forward, a way to make peace with myself, find some compassion and stop hating and shaming little me.
I've posted about having to go through it, not around it anymore, but I think what that meant before was, peek at the trauma, mourn a little (eventually when I can learn how to cry), deal with the body memories and flashbacks, maybe build a relationship or two and voila--life moves ahead. I think I'm finally understanding processing, working through this is not "dealing" or gritting my teeth and getting through. I'm really going to have to learn to love me, to forgive me, to embrace that I am where I'm at and who I am. I'm going to have to feel pain and allow myself to mourn, to fail, to not have answers for how or why and embrace the process even when it feels like I'm falling.  The biggest difference is I think there will be folks to help me get up when I do fall and cheer me on when things get better.  This isn't a solo journey and it's ok to need and be supported. Toughing it out isn't an option anymore.

Not Alone

Those are really big insights and understandings. I'm pretty much in the same place as you. Definitely not a solo journey. I could not continue to do this without my family, friends, therapist and this group. Just today a friend came over and spent several hours with me because I was really struggling. Thanks for sharing here and keep reaching out to others.

MoonBeam

Thanks notalone. I'm so glad you have such strong support. It's hard to ask and sometimes harder to accept I find. I need to work on that.


Hope67

Hi MoonBeam,
I read what you wrote, and I agree with Notalone - such big insights and understandings there.  I relate to a lot of what you've written. 

:hug: to you, if that's ok.
Hope  :)

MoonBeam

Thank you Hope. I appreciate the hug.

It was a particularly tough weekend. No reason why really, just more of the same. I've been feeling so stuck. I've been feeling like what good is remembering the past--what's the point? I'm not sure what processing memories looks like, but they come up, sometimes I tell the story in therapy and then I don't talk about it again. It just stews within. Do i need to talk about it more? How I felt? What i understand?
I think i need a clear way forward with these things, though it's not like I can talk about them any more freely once they have surfaced. Everything is still so physical. Does this ever change? I think I'm looking for a map, a map that just doesn't exist, an easy path, a clear path through, but to what?
Going to do some more EMDR in June with the hope that alleviating some of the physical symptoms of the trauma will make room for moving forward, but I haven't talked with my T what that looks like.  I have a desire to uncover that which is hidden from me, but again I'm questioning--what's the point? It all feels so awful. Am I really moving towards some form of emotional freedom?

MoonBeam

**Trigger Warning** Really hard day. Things have been pretty rough for a while. I just fessed up to a bout of SH in T and I feel really raw. Let her know I'm not feeling safe. I'm not even really sure I know what that means. She reminded me of a trigger that came up in session last week. I was talking matter-of-factly about some facet of my childhood, we were talking about pleasure, and I said "I only ever remember pain". It was an unguarded and brutally honest statement. This hit me so hard it felt like I had touched an electric fence. I didn't know what to do with it except stuff it right back down again. We didn't have much time left in the session and it felt big, so we put it in the container.
Today after my confession (that's what it felt like) she explored with me that perhaps this was a bigger trigger than I realized and perhaps this is why I've been feeling so distraught. It feels that might be the case. Seems like I go from one EF into a deeper one without ever really coming out. I didn't know this was possible. I'm at a loss. She's seeing me again on Friday. Asked if I can hang on till then. I can.
I came back to work after the session because honestly being alone doesn't feel like a good choice for me right now. But being here is hard too. I need to find some compassion for me. Inner critic is really pouring the self- hatred on. Can I just let it be ok that I'm in pain? I am in pain. I'm in pain and its reasonable that I would be in pain. Let it be ok.
One thing that's really bothering me is I smiled as I told her about the SH. I smiled the same way when I was a kid any time I was scared or felt embarrassed or cornered. I hate that I did this.

Thanks for letting me get this out. Running it over and over, alone in my head, is not good for me.

Blueberry

I hear you. Safe  :hug: :hug:

I've gone from one EF to another or been in what feels like several at once, at different layers, so I'd say anything's possible with EFs. They do get better with time spent in healing. There is hope!

:applause: :applause: for telling your T about your bout of SH.

Sending you a ton of compassion from here at the forum.  :grouphug:

MoonBeam

#38
Thank you Blueberry. I'm going to get through this. The support from you all here and the unrelenting, compassionate support from my T is such a gift. Its so helpful to feel understood and cared for especially when in an EF and inner critic is pretty clear I'm not worth that kind of compassion. Trying to change the paradigm, just realizing when that's been the story for so long, its tricky to turn it around.
Thank you for saying "There is hope." I'm going to hold onto that today. I received a beautiful, thoughtful message this morning from someone who truly cares about me. It reminded me to honor even the parts that are messy and unwanted, that there is beauty to be found in me and this process, and I am truly not alone in this. I'm feeling the love, even in the middle of the storm and that is different. I am so very grateful.

Blueberry


Not Alone

Quote from: MoonBeam on May 28, 2019, 10:23:48 PM
One thing that's really bothering me is I smiled as I told her about the SH. I smiled the same way when I was a kid any time I was scared or felt embarrassed or cornered. I hate that I did this.

When you were a child, smiling was an armor that protected you. I'm guessing that you needed that armor because there wasn't an adult to care for you when you felt scared, embarrassed or cornered. You've worn that armor for a long time. Please don't beat yourself up that it is still there. It was needed in childhood and it takes time to replace that protection with new skills and resources. You didn't do anything wrong.

Also what to send you compassion and a hug in your pain.  :hug:

MoonBeam

Thanks so much notalone.  That helps. :hug: 
I'm definitely feeling like that scared kid a lot in this EF.  Today I'm calling on my grown self to step in. Really calling on her to step-up and take care of things--getting up, getting my son to school, showing up at work. I'm having to put all of the rest of it in a box. It's too much right now. I'm hoping tomorrow's T session helps some of this move through.

MoonBeam

Sunday: Today I'm feeling different. I've been so stuck--frozen in this latest EF on top of EF. Friday I had an opportunity to move through some of it in my last therapy session and I'm so grateful. We did an EMDR session and I totally broke down--head on my knees, hands over my face, sobbing. I can't usually cry and when I do it's a few choked sobs or errant tear that escapes. It's always felt futile too when I've been alone in it, in that afterwards I don't feel better--just hopeless. This was different. I cried freely and breathed deep releasing breaths and I was so supported, really cared for. It is a very different way to relive the past for me and I believe that is what processing looks like. I really became aware of how deeply I hold shame and blame myself for all of the abuse I experienced. I was able to connect a few dots with the relational piece as well, which for all of us with cptsd, is huge.

Monday: Day three post EMDR seems to be a thing for me.  I feel the shaking, the fear really, wanting to hide, feeling super fragile. The thing is, is that I can see it. I don't know how to keep it from becoming overwhelming, but I am super conscious that I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to have a breakthrough, then go into the same cycle of deep depression and isolation.

This is the feeling I get in my body when there are emotions, things that need to come out and I usually start dissociating and shutting down. I want things to be different. I want to feel worthy of a joyful, peaceful existence. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to let go of the shame, the blame that is so deeply ingrained in my being. I want to feel and be grateful.

Thanks so much for listening. It's a wild journey this one. I think I'll just sit on the side of the path for a little bit and listen to the trees sing in the breeze.



Not Alone

MoonBeam,

Sounds like you had significant steps forward in your therapy session. Glad you were able to take some time to listen the the breeze in the trees.

MoonBeam

I haven't been able to write for a bit. I haven't been feeling well, I think cause of the EF I've been in. Experiencing a lot of body memories and flashbacks. Something is different though, I haven't been going down the path of self-hating mostly. I know this is because I've been feeling so held and supported in it. Just feeling that level of being cared for has really inspired me to want to care for myself. I've been bouncing back and forth a bit, but that's actually huge-to not just be lost in it, diving down the rabbit hole. I'm telling myself it's ok to feel this way, it's appropriate. That it's different now. I'm not alone.
 
I think I'm beginning to understand for me at this point too, its not about what happened-the details, but how I felt about it while it was happening and the years after. The negative cognitions. I can't change the things that happened, that I continue to remember, that will always be a part of my history. I don't think I can forget or block them out again, but I can change what they mean to me.

I get so stuck in the memory that it just becomes overwhelming fear and... and I've needed to flee-to dissociate.  I think there might be room to allow some exploration of what I was feeling, what I was learning to believe about myself at the time. Hmmm. I think this is due to the EMDR sessions we've had too, moving a little of it. It's so scary to think about sitting with it in that way. But truth is I feel like I'm at a point where I need to gain some courage and see what I can do. Otherwise, my life does not feel worth living and I want it to be a life worth living.

This post seems really scattered, but that's ok. I'm tired of judging everything I do with scathing disappointment. It is what it is and I am where I'm at.

Grateful to have you all here, walking our familiar paths, lighting lights for each other along the way.