MoonBeam's Recovery Journal

[Three Roses]

Grateful for you, too. 

[Not Alone]

MoonBeam:

Your post didn't seem scattered at all.

That is a big deal that overall you have been self-caring instead of self-hating during this time of body memories and flashbacks. It is huge to not be going down the rabbit hole!

I think there might be room to allow some exploration of what I was feeling, what I was learning to believe about myself at the time. 

My therapist has been talking to me about dealing with the messages that I internalized because of the abuse. I even started a list. Haven't gotten too far in dealing with those messages.

But truth is I feel like I'm at a point where I need to gain some courage and see what I can do. Otherwise, my life does not feel worth living and I want it to be a life worth living.

You are courageous. I can see that in things you have written and your openness and honesty. Supporting you baby step by baby step. 

[Hope67]

Hi MoonBeam,
I am also grateful you are here, and I have read your recent entries in your Journal and think you are taking some very insightful steps, and sending you a supportive hug    I think what you said about being lights to light our way - together on this path - it's very apt and also reassuring. 
Hope 

[MoonBeam]

Three Roses, Not alone and Hope. Thank you so much. 
I really want things to be different. I feel like there's room for self-care. I want there to be. I've tried writing things down before, but its been too real.  Maybe its a good place to start, to try again. Things are pretty real atm. Thank you for saying I'm courageous. It feels so fleeting--the moments when I can stand up to the IC, that I can be more than the trauma--I have been before. I can be again? I really want things to be different.
I feel so sad writing this. I don't even know why. I've been feeling like if I could let some emotion out, things might move, but I'm still so stuck. Baby step by baby step.  Keep it in perspective right? Thank you for seeing good things in me. The negative self-cognitions are soooo prevalent. I want to start working through this.
Your kindness is powerful. I've been so grateful for the beautiful candles of insight we light for each other. I've been in a rough spot and I know you have too, but we're working through it, aren't we.

[Three Roses]

so grateful for the beautiful candles of insight we light for each other

🕯️🕯️🕯️❤️

[Hope67]

Beautiful candles of insight - I also hold onto that lovely image and thought MoonBeam - your words are evocative and special.  Reflective of you, I think.  I hope you don't mind my saying that - because part of me just said I am being over the top, but the thing is I wanted to say it - and I do mean it.  So I'm saying it.  Inner critics are challenging - I agree with you.    Anyway, I wanted to wish you the best and also send you a supportive hug, if that's ok. 
Hope 

[MoonBeam]

Thank you so much Hope! Not over the top. Really kind and thoughtful and means a lot. Perfect in fact! 

I was just saying to my T on Tuesday that I'm so weary of constantly editing everything I say and do for fear I will do it wrong or make a mistake, look foolish or make someone upset at me (darn inner critic) and in that, I am missing so many opportunities for connection! I feel like I miss the conversation half the time. This is a big thing for me. I'm so grateful you just showed me how lovely and empowering it can be to let go of the criticism and my fear, to want to share something, meaning it and following through and saying it. It's important.

In fact I posted on a thread about mood swings a bit ago, but i think i mostly talked about depression (likely 'cause that's where I've mostly been lately). I think I totally missed the mark and was feeling self-critical, then I saw your reply here and It made me think, you know, I shared my thoughts. Maybe there's a nugget in what I shared, maybe not. It's ok.

Good medicine Hope. Thx again. So glad to be here with you all.

[MoonBeam]

I haven't written in my journal for a bit. It feels like I haven't had any words to put towards the feeling or not feeling. I guess I've just been in an EF for a while now. Had a few reprieves that lasted an afternoon, but I've not really been successful at climbing out. I've been trying to stick with it--when I start to feel something, but it comes in huge sweeps that send me into a shaky panic and then I shut down and it gets stuck in my chest.

**Trigger Warning** I have a really hard time breathing when this happens.  A lot of abuse that happened involved bigger people holding me down, sitting on my chest or crushing my body under theirs while they hurt me. I couldn't breathe and I still very much feel like the tiny, scared child wondering if I'm going to die.
Sorry, that's a lot. It's where I'm at.
**End Trigger Warning**

So, I put it all away, buried it as deeply as I could to become a functioning adult, not only shutting out the pain and fear, shame and loathing, but any chance at real connection to the world around me, above me, below me... And now it seems as the memories are escaping  through cracks in the layers of hardened clay I surrounded myself with, I'm right where I left me, scared, scarred and alone.

I'm trying so hard to see that things are different. That there is a way out. To find a way to allow me to exist with these two worlds colliding.  That at least grown-up me is not alone. I have a really great T, who cares for me. I have people, one I would call a friend. I have two kids to take care of. They love me. I have OOTS, understanding, support and compassion from all of you.

Things have been coming up lately about my FOO. I've always taken responsibility for the way things were, the things that happened to spare others from pain or stress. I've never allowed myself the opportunity to mourn because I've always made it the priority to protect those who hurt me or didn't protect me, especially my parents. It's all very sad and I don't know how to do sad.

Yesterday work was rough--had my annual review. I was asked to decide if I am really going to embrace, to own my position, if I really want to be with the company.  I felt like crumbling and saying, if only you knew it's so much bigger than that. I'm asking myself that question about my life in general every day. I'm showing up and trying my best--which I admit, isn't that great these days. But I am trying to do things differently. I'm trying.

[Tee]

You are brave for being were you are.  I'm going through very similar situations in my life now too.  I changed careers because when my clay started cracking I knew I couldn't handle the stress of teaching in a classroom.  Not right now anyway. 

I am working full time and the are days I struggle to stay present and make it through my shift.  I do the best I can but it's a fraction of what my best use to look like.

I have two kids and if it wasn't for them I think I would have given up multiple times along this road. This journey sucks it's hard, unrelenting and unfair, and yet we all face it everyday.  Whether we are stuck in an EF and barely able to function, or is a good day today? The world sees only the masks we wear, the porcelain finish.  They don't see the wars we fight to get out of bed, or just to make in to work.

A quote that I like:
Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are braver than you believe you are stronger than you seem you are smarter than you think and you are more loved than you know!

[MoonBeam]

Thank you Tee 

[Not Alone]

Breathing has been an issue for me too. The following YouTube videos have helped me. I change the count (breathing in/breathing out), usually to a lower number, because that is what I am able to do. This is not to give a quick fix or minimize the reason you have a hard time breathing. It has been helpful to me so I wanted to share. If it is off base, please disregard.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5viPbzpQKTk&list=PL1YJ49es97IrlmamOo3Yj5AbOOSXdvXXA&index=2&t=0s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoQVgJx_QN4&list=PL1YJ49es97IrlmamOo3Yj5AbOOSXdvXXA&index=2

Yesterday work was rough--had my annual review. I was asked to decide if I am really going to embrace, to own my position, if I really want to be with the company.  I felt like crumbling and saying, if only you knew it's so much bigger than that. I'm asking myself that question about my life in general every day. I'm showing up and trying my best--which I admit, isn't that great these days. But I am trying to do things differently. I'm trying.

I have a friend who has physical disabilities. Each step that she takes requires concentration. As you can imagine, she is rather tired at the end of the day. The things she does takes longer and much more effort then that of the "average" person. Yet each accomplishment is a major victory because she has so much to overcome. Some of her struggles are seen. Our struggles are not seen. I know for me it is hard when in certain areas I'm functioning at 30% or 50%, but those who know some of my story remind me that what I am able to do is amazing.  Our "disabilities" are not seen and for the most part unknown by others. Still it is a major victory to get out of bed, take care of kids, go to work, etc. I know it is really hard. You are not alone. 

[MoonBeam]

Thank you notalone.  I keep my belly tight and my breath shallow.  The video is a kind gentle reminder to breathe as fully as I can. That will be good self care for me-allow my body and brain nourishing breath.
The link and your kind words are much appreciated. Thx for the  .

I suppose the truth is I do tend to present well, meaning I look "normal", clean, dressed, I seem to be engaged (when I'm not).  I got really good at acting the part--the "porcelain finish" right Tee. You're so right notalone, the damage is on the inside. And the truth is, I'm exhausted. As long as I keep getting out of bed, which some days as you know, feels almost impossible, it's gotta be worth something.

[Hope67]

I felt like crumbling and saying, if only you knew it's so much bigger than that. I'm asking myself that question about my life in general every day. I'm showing up and trying my best--which I admit, isn't that great these days. But I am trying to do things differently. I'm trying.

Hi MoonBeam - I think you are brave - you show up, try to do your best, and you're trying to do things differently, and you're trying - all those things, they are so brave, and especially when you have felt like crumbling. 

I am failing to find the words I want to say now, but I would like to send you a hug, if that's ok.   
Hope 

[Three Roses]

**Trigger Warning** I have a really hard time breathing when this happens.  A lot of abuse that happened involved bigger people holding me down, sitting on my chest or crushing my body under theirs while they hurt me. I couldn't breathe and I still very much feel like the tiny, scared child wondering if I'm going to die.
Sorry, that's a lot. It's where I'm at.

You don't have to apologize. It is a lot, but it's what you endured and we are here to hear you, so we can support you. We've all been silenced too long.

The not being able to breathe part is familiar to me. It is a horror like no other I've ever experienced.

You're an important member here, giving support and listening to the stories of others, sharing your gifted insights. Keep on keeping on, my friend. 💪

[MoonBeam]

Thank you so much Hope and Three Roses. 

It's been a tough week/weekend. But throughout it I have been experiencing something different... I've been crying. There have been so many triggers and I cancelled all plans from Thursday on, things I really should have shown up for, but essentially called in sick. The tears have fallen somewhat freely, though mostly out of a sense of hopelessness and feeling overwhelmed. I have noticed that with letting the emotion come (which is new) the intensity of the pain in my chest has diminished a bit. I'm really consciously shutting down the inner-critic. I'm not able to replace the negative thought with a positive one, but I've been letting them know, they don't get to have an opinion on this one. It's helped with the spiral of self-hatred and I think allowed the tears.

I remembered hearing a voice telling me that I should be ashamed of myself for showing emotion when I was really young. **TW**: Berating, threatening and/or hitting me if I cried. The whole "something to cry about" story**End TW** One of many lessons from my FOO.  I get why things are the way they are--why I am the way I am. That's not really helping though. I think if anything remembering all of these experiences has added to a sense of unmanageability and feeling overwhelmed, broken. Memories are powerful when they are stuck in one's very being. I understand healing is about creating new stories, new experiences, overwriting the past in a way. Integrating what was into what is. Right now that feels unattainable. I'm lost in the sea of what was. Sounds like an EF now that I write it out. I don't think I've come out of whatever EF I've been in for months.

Seeing my T tomorrow. That should help. I wonder if I'll cry in our session. I've cried 2ce in session in the last year and both times I was so ashamed. I hid my face and couldn't look at her after, even though she was incredibly caring and comforting. It's all so interesting this puzzle of me.