MoonBeam's Recovery Journal

[Three Roses]

I understand healing is about creating new stories, new experiences, overwriting the past in a way. Integrating what was into what is. Right now that feels unattainable. I'm lost in the sea of what was.

[Tee]

Hugs moon beam I'm hear with you.  I don't cry either same reasons.  My T keeps telling me it's safe to cry none is going to hurt me there but it's just not really something I can do yet.

[Not Alone]

MoonBeam,
I'm glad you were able to cry and let some of your feelings out that way. It is okay to cry. (Just in case it helps to hear it.    

[MoonBeam]

Thanks so much Three Roses, Tee and notalone, for your encouragement and support. 

It's so interesting. The tears have stopped and I'm back to not really feeling anything. I think about emotional regulation, about how either emotion has come in enormous, uncontrollable waves that overpower and render me dissociated or i'm left in the vast void of numbness.  The tears last week felt like grief, some from feeling overwhelmed and like a failure--like I just can't do it. But crying about that instead of turning it into self-hating feels like progress.

The theme of the week for me has been around worthiness, understanding the struggle with the concept that I have a right to exist. I've never felt like I deserved love or good things in my life, to be cared for. I've wanted these things, but never really believed they were for me. I've just been kind of owning that belief, acknowledging that has been my truth.

It comes into play daily and seriously affects so many aspects of my life. Relationally, it's huge. It keeps me constantly second guessing my interactions with others, even those with whom at this point have proven they care for me. So now the break is less about trust (still a little about trust) but now more about accepting care and love from others. Letting go of the huge feelings of guilt and shame when someone cares for me, like I'm taking something from them I don't deserve. It's an interesting shift to consider and I'm just in the noticing phase. Noticing when this happens, what my reactions are and how it plays out.

More to come on this topic for sure...  Best to you all.

[Deep Blue]

Well in the theme of allowing others to care about you, I'll throw my hat in and say that I care about you and that the compassion you show on this forum is worthy of being cared for 

[Not Alone]

"Accepting care and love from others. . ." Rotten that it has to be such a struggle, but it is worth the struggle to let care and love in. People are broken, so hurt is part of the equation, but still worth it. And YOU are worthy of love, care, and tenderness. Sending some care to you right now! 

[Tee]

I

Well in the theme of allowing others to care about you, I'll throw my hat in and say that I care about you and that the compassion you show on this forum is worthy of being cared for 

Yeah that
I don't know how to do the cute emoji but I totally agree with deep blue! Send my love and care!

[MoonBeam]

Deep Blue, notalone and Tee, Thank you. Your care and  are well received.

I was just reading the essay Emotional Neglect and Complex PTSD, by Pete Walker. There are so many layers to work through. I've been thinking about all of the negative cognitions I've carried about myself--I thought directly symptoms of the abusive childhood into young adulthood experiences I endured, and while I'm sure those planted many seeds of negativity and fostered a deep foundation for loss of self, I see now too, how big a factor not having anyone to protect me or even try to keep me safe, or comfort me was in my believing I was in-fact worthless.

The 'things' that happened were horrible and its easier to point to that and say, yes those monsters, those tangible, physical experiences were responsible for my misery, however all of those messages were validated over and over by those who were supposed to take care of me essentially showing me, yes, it's true--you are nothing. And while 'those people', my FOO, were responsible for some of the physical abuse as well, monsters, it's the emotional neglect, the turning away, the blaming and shaming that is making its way to the surface these days.

I think this is part of healing. Going in deeply enough to find the places where the story begins, where the roots are embedded. I have an EMDR session tomorrow, my fourth in as many months. I am supposed to come up with the memory I want to process. Its overwhelming to try to choose something when it's all so tangled. Hopefully a path becomes clear, i think it usually does. 

Much love fellow travelers.

[Tee]

Good luck

[Not Alone]

however all of those messages were validated over and over by those who were supposed to take care of me essentially showing me, yes, it's true--you are nothing.

MoonBeam,
I wish I had some profound words to take that away, but the truth is that I also deal with those messages. Just wanted you to know that I understand and you are not alone.

Hope your EMDR goes well tomorrow.

[MoonBeam]

I wish I had some profound words to take that away, but the truth is that I also deal with those messages. Just wanted you to know that I understand and you are not alone.

Me too notalone. Thank you. I wish that for all of us. It's a sad and deep scar. I know there are folks who have successfully reframed their own similar patterns of belief, though it is a never-ending journey. I know it is possible to shift that thinking--call it out, see it as the untruth it is and build new ways of seeing ourselves, claim our truth--we are worthy!

I also know when I see other people, I see their value, their worthiness, their strength, compassion and courage. And while we share the same story, the same symptoms, the same brokenness, the same insight, the same good bits and steps towards recovery, it is so hard to trust that in me--that there is all of that worthiness, strength and courage in me.

This will take time and deep work. But I hope to begin seeing me differently. I think its inner-child work, which I haven't really started. Perhaps it's time. Big 

[sanmagic7]

hey, moonbeam,

you wrote in my journal about being on a similar path right now, so i read what you had to say the past few days - it really does sound very much alike in some respects.  honestly, i get it.  i know the lip service to everyone else about worthiness, value, the right to be here and to exist, yet not quite feeling it within myself.   this is the first that i've been fully consciously aware of that.  it sucks!

i know about looking 'normal', 'social', 'with it', all those good things that are on public display.  i also understand about how making these changes can't be done all at once - i think the fact that they are being noticed right now is big enough for a bit.  i'll tell you as i'm telling myself - we don't have to rush this.  take your time, keep your pace according to what works best for you, and trust this process.  being here, being surrounded by these people who do nothing but give us positives, support, and acceptance just the way we are is truly a miracle, in my mind, and is a most potent healing potion all on its own.

we'll get thru this.  hang tough, mb - i'm hangin' right beside you!  sending love and a gentle hug filled w/ compassion - those non-physical scars can sometimes run deeper than the physical ones.  i'm in that boat, too.

[Tee]

My T asked me last night if little me 4,5,6 year old me had come into her office years ago would she have said that I was a naughty little girl worthless or unworthy of love, or trash or any of the other lies that I was told and that I tell myself now?
I said no probably not.  She said why?  I said because no little kid should hear that even little jerks have something they are good at.
She said so why do you believe the lies? I don't know.

We all have believed the lies we all struggle with them, but think about a kid you know or just one you may have seen recently would you ever tell that kid they have no value? 

Our inner kids were told that so many times that we believe it.  I'm not sure how to change it.  I can see your value as I'm sure you see mine. Now we just have to find the magic mirrors to help us see our own.

Hope some of that makes some sense.
Love you all!

[Not Alone]

  I can see your value as I'm sure you see mine. Now we just have to find the magic mirrors to help us see our own.

[Hope67]

  to you MoonBeam - you have said things that have helped me - just in the way you express things.  I would like to wish you strength for undertaking the inner child work, and hope you know we're alongside you as you commence this work.   
Hope