MoonBeam's Recovery Journal

[MoonBeam]

Mmm. Thank you all so much. I don't have it in me to write much at the moment. I wanted to say I'm so grateful for you all. For the support and encouragement, for walking with me, for kind words, for being such shining lights--even when things are hard.

I had an EMDR session Friday. Relational stuff with my m, realized in a big way I've been carrying her shame all these years--turned into my own. I took it on and I owned it.  Her beliefs became mine.  The EF that followed--still in it, has been about me feeling like that little, sad, lost kiddo, filled with shame, the teen who hated herself, the young woman who tried to reclaim herself, and now the middle-aged mom who's seemingly as lost as ever--right back there in so many ways. Feeling all of the powerlessness and insignificance.

Glad I can say its an EF, though I don't want to deal with it anymore. I have a t session tomorrow, but I don't want to go. More shame and a pretty typical reaction to deep work. Maybe if I keep calling it out, it will start to feel different.

I'm going to have some time this evening to myself. I'll make an effort to be kind to me and see if I can't let some of this go. Still hanging in. Still showing up, so far.

[sanmagic7]

showing up and hanging in are major, and congrats to you, sweetie, for doing so.  that's a big realization, i'd say. 

i think that's an interesting concept, that you've carried your M's shame and turned it into your own.  never thought of that like that before.  i wonder if that happens a lot.   i think i went the opposite way, mainly cuz i saw my mother as somewhat of a mouse.  gray. 

i hope that if you can continue to call it out, it'll help reduce and diminish it within you, thereby diminishing the EF as well.  also hope the session goes well tomorrow.  best to you with this - i'm really glad you're making a conscious effort to be kind to yourself.  way to go.   

sending love and a hug filled with anti-shame solution.   

[MoonBeam]

sending love and a hug filled with anti-shame solution.   

Love that hug. Made me smile.  Thanks so much San.

[Deep Blue]

Hey sweetie,
I'm glad you will have some time to yourself tonight. Just want to send you some warm 

[Tee]

MoonBeam I get exactly what you are saying. I struggle with this too. I replay what was said to me to myself so much is hard to stop self hate at times.  My T says I'm my harshest citric at this point.  This comes from growing up in a home where I had to be perfect.

Continue to call it out I do think it deminshes the power. A caring hug I'm here with you! Be kind to yourself!

[Hope67]

Hi MoonBeam,
You're doing some big things in your therapy - and I hope your next session was ok.  Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

MoonBeam,
Sending you a caring hug.  Please do what you can to be kind to yourself.

[MoonBeam]

Hello dear hearts. Thank you all for your warm hugs and well wishes. I didn't mean to check out, but haven't been able to post for a bit. I'm sorry I haven't been around and didn't let anyone know. Been in a pretty extreme EF--parts of self emerging that I didn't expect. I worked through some deep shame in my last EMDR session and after letting it all come through I find I have more clarity on the pain underneath. Teenage me has been crying out for help in an extreme way.

**TW**
I've been a bit out of control I'm afraid, though it all seems appropriate somehow. Self harming came up again and while I am regretful, I am not carrying the shame with it. I get it. Teenage me was in so much pain. After years of abuse it was the only way she could cry out--no voice, all of that pain turned in on herself. The EF I've been in the last week has truly been a revisit to those years and this is the first chance she's had to be seen. While I feel sad seeing the reminder of self-harming, it gives me huge perspective to see a physical representation of the pain I carry. Though now I have to hide it because it's not ok to show that kind of pain. I'm going to try to give her all the care she needs to get through this, she will have a voice and will not need to hurt herself anymore.
**End TW***

Grown up me has been showing up at work and all the places, doing all the things, but mostly I've been pretty dissociated. I truly just keep showing up as much as I can.  While in some ways it looks like a huge back-slide, in others it feels like progress.

Thank you so much for being here for me. I'm sorry I haven't been here for you this last week. 

[Tee]

  MoonBeam take care of you.  Both young and old are important. Glad your back. You don't have to be ashamed of pain. Here with you.

[Three Roses]

You're an important, supportive voice here but self care is the most important thing you can do. I go thru times when I just can't post, don't know what to say, can't dredge it up from somewhere - disappear for days - but it's totally okay, because our number one priority should be ourselves. You matter. 

[woodsgnome]

 

I also go through those shadowy periods when I can't stand it anymore, including being on or posting here. I not only feel drained, I also don't feel capable of contributing anything to others as they express their troubles; even when they share those rare bits of recovery. It all hits home, and hard.

This leads me to periods when I can't 'do' it anymore, I just want to 'be' free, or as free as I can get. This means I might need to shut down the thinking parts to where the rest of me can mellow out and regain some semblance of feeling okay with life again, especially with that mysterious persona I live in. I allow the push/pull to come apart and just flow -- allowing is way more important than trying, as it involves letting go of the overt pain for a while if not for good.

But I don't mean to write a speech here about me, either. Instead of ego-talk I prefer soul-talk, and in that language just want to say you're doing great by being great, starting with being kind to the only one you can fully affect -- yourself.

Good to see you chime in again; when you can be present, you add a lot. Thank you so very much.

[sanmagic7]

moonbeam, i echo the thoughts and well wishes of the others - you must be your own first priority.  this place is all about everyone taking care w/ everyone else, and when one of us is missing,  they can take their time, restore their energy, do what's important for them knowing that the rest of everyone will still be here.

i'm so glad for you that you were able to process out of so much of the shame.  that's a horrible feeling to have to deal with. 

finding your teenage you and acknowledging her pain, her inability to communicate it in any other way, sounds like a big step to me.  the idea of now wanting to tend to her shows so much growth to me.  i'm truly glad for both of you.  keep taking care of you and her as best you can, ok?

sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion and care for she who had no voice till now.   

[MoonBeam]

Wanted to say thank you to each and every one of you for your kind, insightful support. I appreciate you all so much and am grateful that you are sharing your journey with me. Healing is not something that can happen alone. I understand this now more than ever.  I do feel overwhelmed and triggered at times, I know we all do. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer and others still, I can't pull the words out and sit blankly, just reading and empathizing, wanting to send love and care and not being able to. It is a comfort to know this is something others also experience at times.

[Tee]

 

[Not Alone]

Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer and others still, I can't pull the words out and sit blankly, just reading and empathizing, wanting to send love and care and not being able to.

I feel like that often on this site. I do feel very cared for by you and your words have brought me comfort. When you are in a place where you can't read others' posts or respond, that is okay.

**TW**
I've been a bit out of control I'm afraid, though it all seems appropriate somehow. Self harming came up again and while I am regretful, I am not carrying the shame with it. I get it. Teenage me was in so much pain. After years of abuse it was the only way she could cry out--no voice, all of that pain turned in on herself. The EF I've been in the last week has truly been a revisit to those years and this is the first chance she's had to be seen. While I feel sad seeing the reminder of self-harming, it gives me huge perspective to see a physical representation of the pain I carry. Though now I have to hide it because it's not ok to show that kind of pain. I'm going to try to give her all the care she needs to get through this, she will have a voice and will not need to hurt herself anymore.
**End TW***

Grown up me has been showing up at work and all the places, doing all the things, but mostly I've been pretty dissociated. I truly just keep showing up as much as I can.  While in some ways it looks like a huge back-slide, in others it feels like progress.

I am so glad the teenager is being seen and heard. She is worthy of care and of being heard and understood.
Going to work and functioning is a major accomplishment with all you are going through. I don't think you could do that without some dissociation. I don't think that is a "back-slide," I think it is helpful for you to do what needs to be done.

Sending all of you lots of care.