MoonBeam's Recovery Journal

Started by MoonBeam, April 20, 2019, 01:35:15 PM

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MoonBeam

#90
Thanks so much notalone.  :hug: Your words and understanding bring me great comfort. It's been a rough couple of weeks for sure and knowing everyone is here, fighting for well-being, supporting each other, working on healing, that I'm not crazy, that these are symptoms of trauma, that we're going through the same things, knowing I'm not alone anymore, makes it somehow possible to keep walking.

The (aptly named) EF I've been in has literally been a step back in time. A step back to my most desperate, lost, self-destructive period in my life. I'm reeling from how intense it is, how even years later having not processed any of it, its still all there-frozen in time, in my being. I think about the effort it must have taken to stuff all of that for so many years--seemingly unaware of the impact on the day-to-day. Serious denial.

Had t yesterday and was really not doing well. My T spoke directly to my teen self and while it was difficult to let go and take up the exercise, I was able to allow her to speak briefly. She just really needed help. She needed one safe person. She didn't have that. I do now, though I don't know how to support other parts of self, to support her--I see the value in more of a one-on-one between my T and teen me. Perhaps I will ask for more time with that.

I just have no idea how to do this. How can grown up me learn to love myself, when teen me is soooo filled with shame, self hate, disgust and extreme sadness. I haven't really done this kind of work before, separating parts of self, acknowledging different parts of self. Littler me seems to have held onto some form of hope. Mostly she was confused and hurt, sad and ashamed, but still held some form of light for the world, for life.
Teen me, gave up and understood that I had been ground into the earth, and she took it all on herself--her fault. She deserved every bad thing that ever happened, she knew she was a failure, she was broken and would never be anything more.  I just want to wail for her--her pain is so real, so huge, but I can't let it out. It's stuck in my chest.

I need to separate from this. This is taking me down. I need to step into grown-up me. To see me as safe, worthy, not at fault. A grown-up with responsibilities, children I love who need care--the care I didn't have.  I need to focus on today. The work in front of me. The things I can do. To allow healing and change. I need to make choices in the moment that will keep me safe. I need to find the strength to believe I deserve to feel better. To love myself.




Not Alone

Quote from: MoonBeam on July 24, 2019, 07:01:44 PM
I just have no idea how to do this. How can grown up me learn to love myself, when teen me is soooo filled with shame, self hate, disgust and extreme sadness. I haven't really done this kind of work before, separating parts of self, acknowledging different parts of self. Littler me seems to have held onto some form of hope. Mostly she was confused and hurt, sad and ashamed, but still held some form of light for the world, for life.

Baby steps. I'm trying to figure it out too, but this is something that I've been doing. If it fits for you, great; if not, that is okay. For the smaller parts, I've borrowed picture books from the library and read to them. For another part, I got a youth book on CD from the library and she listens to it, usually at night. A thought I had for your teen part is to get her a special lotion that smells good to her. It would be good if her body was treated with tenderness and not harm.

MoonBeam, I know this is really hard and indescribably painful. You are not alone. I am with you and I care.

Three Roses

You are worthy of love, you're worthy of being protected. You're worthy of forgiveness; our young selves did what we needed to do, in order to survive emotionally and physically. I'm in awe of people like you who are doing everything they can to not repeat the mistakes their own parents made. Awareness can be painful and difficult but it is better than stumbling blindly down a path of dysfunction and darkness.

sanmagic7

dear moonbeam, may i say that i don't think your teen self gave up.  from what you described, she took on the role of the workhorse, shouldering all the wrongs and pain, carrying them for you.  she protected you the way she could so that you could get to a place where you would be ready and strong enough to start pulling them off her a little at a time.  baby steps, as notalone said. 

i give you so much credit for allowing your t to talk to your teen, and personally, i hope you allow more of that.  your teen deserves to hear what she couldn't hear before - she was too busy shouldering the burden - but perhaps now is the time when she can begin to unload, little by little, piece by piece.

you said you didn't know how to do this, but this is exactly how it's done.  you're doing it.  it may be unfamiliar territory, but your t sounds like they're guiding you on the path that will help you do this.  i give you a lot of credit, sweetie.  let the healing begin.  sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity.

MoonBeam

#94
I'm so grateful for your replies and care.  I have been in a really dark place lately and not able to post. I wrote a lot this weekend in my paper journal, one I share mostly with my T and spent some time in meditation, which has been most helpful. My boys just left last night to visit their dad 3000 miles away for 2 1/2 weeks.

I started to post this in "therapy" as a question, but realized I needed to write more about it, so decided to post here instead.

After a particularly long and deep EF, one that landed me deeply in the heart of my lost, angry, scared, destructive and emotionally obliterated teen self, my T has recommended a psyche eval by a psychiatrist. The symptoms I experienced in the EF were intense and involved behaviors I exhibited during that time of my life--drinking excessively, dissociation with lost time, destructive behaviors, etc. It was a dark night of the soul for sure and I'm finally coming out of it.

I know this suggestion/request is out of concern and a desire to be thorough and make sure I am getting the best care. I think she spoke to my deep depression not lifting and being in that state for so long, well... the thought is it could change with medication. Which could be true and I've discussed this with my GP. I also think though, she has lost trust in me--that she feels I wasn't honest about the depths of it all--that I was in danger and didn't let anyone know. I also wonder if she's thinking deeper issues are at play--co-morbidities undiagnosed, but I think complex trauma is enough to account for my experience.

I deeply respect and trust my T--which is miraculous and speaks volumes to her skill as a care provider. I did let her know what was going on, just a little after the fact. It takes some days to get up the courage sometimes to share and its true, part of me just didn't want to feel that broken and by admitting it, well, there it is.  Plus, honestly i didn't understand what was happening until after the fact, I felt really out of control and I suppose that's part of the problem. But I did share with her as soon as i could. I was honest, as I always have been with her. Honest like I never thought I could be with another person. I realized I was in trouble and at our next appt I said I was not doing well. Shared all I was aware of.

I can't write any more right now, but I don't want to delete what I've put out there. Perhaps I can come back later. I really am doing better. I'm just weary. I am making a space to love my inner-teen and with the lifting of the EF, I feel like change can happen. That she can be seen, cared for. That it was all necessary in a way, to burn off some negative, to clear a path for healing. I do feel i have greater understanding than before and I'm thinking about ways in which she might feel soothed and possibly even safe thanks to all of your loving insight and support.

Tee


Not Alone

"A dark night for the soul" is a good description of the anger, fear, feelings of being lost, destructive behaviors and dissociation that you experienced. Super hard and painful. Thanks for posting and letting us know how you are doing. Here is a hug for you  :hug: and one for the teen, if she will allow it and feel safe enough to receive it.  :hug: If not, that's okay. As Tee said, you are not alone.

MoonBeam

Thank you so much Tee and notalone. My teen would really appreciate a hug. She really just needs to be cared for right now. I can't speak enough to how much being heard here and cared for means. I don't feel alone. I am grateful to have your support. 

Three Roses

My inner teen is high-fiving your inner teen.  :chestbump:

sanmagic7

dear moonbeam,. thanks so much for sharing all this.  i totally get the concept of not being aware enough on a conscious level to report exactly how you're feeling or what's going on w/ you.  i've experienced that much of my life.  the idea of having to be 'ok' speaks loudly and clearly to me.  i'm glad you wrote about it.  i think that all the writing/posting i've done here, getting the responses, caring, love, concern has helped me to not fall back into those dark places of the soul.  i hope you keep posting, let it out, let us take it from you as much as possible to help ease your struggle.

were you able to explain this dynamic to your t?  do they know about it?  that might be helpful.  i know it's helped my d to know that i sometimes have lapse times between my immediate response and what is underneath it which might not come out until a few days later.   it has then not become a trust issue so much as clarity as to how my brain works.  it's helped me to understand that as well.  i can now speak to it without as much confusion within myself.

keep taking care of you as best you can.  i've been on meds before - sometimes they can help you get thru a rough patch until you're able to maintain stability on your own.  they've helped me that way.  it works differently for everyone, of course.  either way, wishing you all the best as you move thru the mucky part of this recovery journey.  sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity and stability.   :hug:

MoonBeam

#100
Quote from: Three Roses on July 30, 2019, 05:37:29 AM
My inner teen is high-fiving your inner teen.  :chestbump:

Awesome. Thanks Three Roses. Right back at your inner teen.

San, thanks so much. I do think my T is aware of my slow processing, though I think it would be good to talk this out with her. I'm seeing her shortly. I imagine we'll go over everything we talked about last week, though I don't remember everything due to dissociating during our last meeting. I haven't been freaked out about it though, which is interesting 'cause the relational piece is huge for me--often afraid of abandonment, that I'll ruin things, won't be worth care anymore, blaa, blaa--inner critic. I think this speaks to my believing this is a safe relationship. This doesn't mean things won't change, or that she'll be around forever, but she wouldn't be abandoning me.

In thinking about it, the thing I was avoiding telling her, that took a few days to muster up the courage to tell, was another bout of SH, but that wasn't what she was concerned about. She was concerned that I didn't remember doing it completely. I remember it happening, kind of. That did scare me and I said so. That's what I meant by being out of control and I do think it was a combination of dissociation, but also alcohol. I didn't want to feel anything and was using alcohol to numb, trying to get to the point I could just pass out, sleep. I'm not using alcohol to that extent anymore--its not safe and a dangerous combination with already feeling on the edge of things. I get it and I do care about being safe. I'm not sure what else I could have shared that would have kept me from being in such a dark emotional place. It was a heavy EF and it was my reality for a long time when I was a teen/young adult.

**TW**
I used to leave my body during the abuse. I remember the first time that happened and it was after years of being abused already. I floated to the ceiling. I remember looking down on the scene, on me, but I don't remember what was happening. **End TW**

When things get super rough or scary, I leave. I don't intend to, it just happens. I get nervous often before therapy. I don't know why exactly. i just feel anxiety. I can't seem to stop it. This makes me feel like a child. I want so badly to go in there, in my center, in my body. Show up as a sovereign, strong adult. Maybe it's shame. I'm ashamed I need help, that I'm not stronger, that I feel broken. These are messages from my foo for sure. I can't seem to shake them though. They are literally in my body. I was institutionalized when I was 16 and I am afraid of that happening again. Losing my free-will. I think that's why when I'm feeling the most shaky, that's when its hardest for me to reach out. That and shame.

It's time for me to go to my appointment. Thanks so much for letting me get this out. It's a puzzle and I do feel like it's a particularly mucky part of recovery, but in that--I think I can see, it is in fact recovery.

Tee

#101
 :hug: steps forward there's no Shame in needing help processing our junk it's too much to do alone. Keep moving forward you can do it. :applause:

MoonBeam

Well, the 'dark night of the soul'--(I actually am naming my last EF because it was sooooo long and soooo awful) really does seem to have lifted. I've been a right mess for weeks. I don't even really know how long. Not that I was ever great, but geesh. If I'm honest, looking behind, I'm surprised I didn't end up in residential care.

All I can say is thank you. Thank you for being here for me, helping me through. I'm feeling gratitude in a big way today. I'm also feeling weepy as I write that. huh. Emotions are so complicated.

I posted in Exceptionally difficult day last night. I was blind-sided by a trigger and flashback and I truly thought it would send me right back down. I am still standing and not only that, I am actually doing alright. I believe it is because I was supported in a time of great need.  My T was available to help me initially and then asking for help here on the boards, I received it. My T has gone above and beyond really for the last year, supporting me in crisis and I believe each time that has happened, and it's been often, it has paved the way for a reframing, for processing the trauma to begin. I clung to the board last night and i felt cared for and I wasn't alone in it. More proof I am worth care and support. More reframing.

I've had some breakthroughs throughout this last EF related to my inner teen, as I've been posting about. I think by letting her out, trying to embrace her and not stuff her back down i am reaching a part of myself, that without, there would be no recovery, no healing. It was after an intense session of EMDR, processing deep shame from my FOO that it all started to emerge. The shame was the stopper in the bottle so-to-speak, and it kept me stuck and hopeless. It's not been pretty what I've been experiencing, and I was in no way sure I was going to make it out of it, but I can see how necessary walking through the fire is. How courageous we are to keep going. How strong we are for not giving up, when that's all we feel we can do--give up.

I had therapy yesterday earlier in the day and followed up from my last appt. I am just starting to realize how far out I have been. My T was able to recognize my pattern: deep work, relational disruption, deep EF, all the self-hating, all the old ways of coping.  This one was the worst so far since we've been working together and she was correct in her concern for my well-being, even if I wasn't able to see it or perhaps admit it at first. She also said she knew I would come out of it, maybe not then, but soon. Oh, the faith she has in me.

We're going to hold off on meds for now since I am doing better, really try to work with basics--diet, sleep, exercise (basics these may be, but elusive to me all the same) discuss supplements with my GP.  See how it goes. Continue to build resiliency and strengthen tools for self-care and self-regulation before we dive into more deep work. Today I'm just going to hold on to feeling somewhat at ease. My heart is pounding a bit writing all of this, but I'm still going to look at it as progress. Baby steps. That's what I've got right now.

Three Roses

I'm so glad you got the support you needed, and are on the way out of the EF! That's great news  :hug: