MoonBeam's Recovery Journal

  • 213 Replies
  • 6897 Views
*

notalone

  • Member
  • 1716
    • View Profile
Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #150 on: September 27, 2019, 07:33:41 PM »
As for today, I still feel really unsettled and emotional. Still waking from uncomfortable dreams. I think I'm on the verge of putting another piece of the past together and I'm afraid of the fall-out. My inner critic has been in full swing and I think my teen is upset. She's the one who becomes self-hating and impulsive. I need to pay attention to her and let her speak. My heart is racing at the thought. Maybe she is the voice of my inner critic. I need to do everything I can to not end up where I was just a few months ago. I feel overwhelmed and I'm not sure what to do. I'm feeling like nowhere is safe and I wonder if that is related to what San said about not believing I deserve to take up space, cause that's a real thing for me, for my teen. past.

 :hug:

MoonBeam, first, I'm sorry that life is such a struggle right now. I wish I had a way to give you a break from all the emotional turmoil.

It makes sense to me that you are afraid of the fall-out of another piece of the puzzle coming to light. You went through such a difficult time over the summer.

At my last therapy session, I talked to my T about a very angry part. I told him what she wanted to do. He said we may have to have some boundaries (to keep her from being self-destructive). I wonder if your T can help your teen to safely express herself by letting her know that she has a right to be heard, but it is not okay to . . . (harmful behavior). Kids and teens need outside boundaries. Just a thought.

*

Hope67

  • Member
  • 2191
    • View Profile
Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #151 on: September 28, 2019, 06:32:07 PM »
Hi MoonBeam,
Sending you a supportive and gentle hug if that is ok  :hug: 
Hope  :)

*

MoonBeam

  • Member
  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #152 on: October 01, 2019, 06:50:22 PM »
San, notalone, and Hope, thank you for your encouraging words and support.

I think I'm beginning to recognize that most of my reactions to things are all past, though I'm not sure how to differentiate between the piece of present life that is uncomfortable or difficult and all the fears and feels that come flooding in from years of programming and dysfunction.  :stars:   Triggers and flashbacks are easier to say--hey, that's an intrusive part of my past and it needs to rest for now and I don't have to look at it in this moment. I suppose that means I'm gaining a bit of resilience around those experiences. As long as they aren't super intense. Or, I'm stuffing them and denying my feelings. Maybe that's part of creating a functional balance. Telling myself I can look at this later. It's just that I don't look at it later and it eventually erupts. Where are the directions for navigating this???



*

notalone

  • Member
  • 1716
    • View Profile
Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #153 on: October 01, 2019, 07:19:25 PM »
I also am learning to "put things on the shelf" until another time. Sometimes the item (memory/feelings) is too heavy and the shelf breaks!  :fallingbricks:

*

MoonBeam

  • Member
  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #154 on: October 01, 2019, 09:13:42 PM »
Agreed notalone.  :fallingbricks:  Well said.

*

MoonBeam

  • Member
  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #155 on: October 02, 2019, 08:42:39 PM »
Kind of a long share here.
I went to the 3rd Mindfulness Meditation for Anxiety group last night. The first one I left feeling excited, inspired and like i belonged to something. The 2nd one I got there triggered and spacey after a rough afternoon at work, and fought to feel regulated throughout, but still got some great exercises that I've already been able to utilize in a moment of distress. Yay for new tools!

Last night I was feeling fine when I got there, the usual nerves and displacement in social situations, but regulated. We learned about 3-part breathing, which is breathing very deeply into our belly then continuing to fill the rib area with the breath then the upper chest. So, really deep, full breathing. I realized it's been a long time that I've been shallow breathing into just my upper chest, holding my belly tight all the time.
As I began to take these slow deep full breaths, I started to feel an opening in my abdomen, my center. It felt huge and full, and then it felt like that overwhelming, scary rush of emotions when they escape on the rare occasion totally out of my control, in a huge burst and I become afraid, want to flee and then freeze and can't seem to let the emotion out. Gah!

I felt this happening and I started to panic. I didn't know what to do. I had been talking with my T in session last week about not asking for what I need (if I can even figure out what that is) because I'm too afraid to. I was definitely starting to panic and knew dissociation was soon to follow. I thought about telling the facilitator that I wasn't feeling well, that I needed to step away for a moment, but as I sat there with the giant ball of emotion (couldn't say what emotion or how many) I started to realize I was afraid. I felt the fear clearly. I asked myself what I was afraid of. I was afraid because I didn't feel safe. I felt too open. Too vulnerable. I could discern that this was a feeling from the past, that I wasn't in danger in the moment and decided probably sitting in the group was safer than going off alone to curl up into a ball. I couldn't really come back into my self at all for the rest of the group and I missed the rest of the exercises because I can't really remember what they were. So I guess I dissociated after-all. I was trying to talk myself down, and regulate my breathing to normal too, all while hiding that I was in distress.

So, on one hand, I feel like I made progress cause I was able more or less to identify what was happening. And, maybe I can access those big feelings in a safe place, like in T, by breathing deeply? and have a chance to see what they are? IDK. The other hand though, is I got totally overwhelmed, didn't let anyone know, and continued to feel overwhelmed and completely dysregulated because I didn't do anything to shift what I was experiencing. I froze. I'm both kind of like ok, that was some progress and also really frustrated.

*

Blueberry

  • Member
  • 6449
  • 'Should' is never good for me.
    • View Profile
Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #156 on: October 02, 2019, 10:14:42 PM »
MoonBeam, that sounds like big progress to me! You may have dissociated after a while, but before that you seemed to stay in your body and to manage to notice what was going on. e.g the feelings were from the past, not the present. Also you figured out it was safer to stay there, than leave the room. That's great too! You were able to decide on a course of action - and after discussing the problem only a week before in T. Wow! It used to take way longer for my discussion from T to turn into RL actions. So, good for you!  :applause: :applause:

Having felt into the situation so clearly, you'll probably be able to do that another time and maybe feel a bit further and/or speak up about it. It may be easier to speak up when you're with just one other person than in front of a whole group. Seemingly small steps lead to healing!  They may actually be big steps though :hug:

*

notalone

  • Member
  • 1716
    • View Profile
Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #157 on: October 03, 2019, 12:01:10 AM »
MoonBeam, that sounds like big progress to me! You may have dissociated after a while, but before that you seemed to stay in your body and to manage to notice what was going on. e.g the feelings were from the past, not the present. Also you figured out it was safer to stay there, than leave the room. That's great too! You were able to decide on a course of action - and after discussing the problem only a week before in T. Wow! ........ So, good for you!  :applause: :applause:

Having felt into the situation so clearly, you'll probably be able to do that another time and maybe feel a bit further and/or speak up about it. It may be easier to speak up when you're with just one other person than in front of a whole group. Seemingly small steps lead to healing!  They may actually be big steps though :hug:
:yeahthat:
I completely agree with Blueberry. To identify what you were feeling and then to stay in the room because you decided it was the best option, was really good and big steps.

*

MoonBeam

  • Member
  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #158 on: October 03, 2019, 04:51:28 PM »
Thank you so much Blueberry and notalone for such thoughtful encouragement. It does feel a bit like steps forward. I'm trying to keep the Icr out of it.

I don't know what would have happened if I had said I was struggling or was super activated by the exercise. Perhaps there were more than two options--stay and try to work through it in silence, hiding in plain sight, but not truly alone, or go be alone and curl up and retreat to the safety of my closed off, and closed in world.

Maybe there's a third option, where by being seen I get support and an opportunity for validation and healing in real time.  That, for some reason, scares me the most--being seen, asking for help.  Little steps on the path...  I really like your thoughts Blueberry about feeling a bit further into it or being a little more brave perhaps next time it comes up. I have t on Friday, so maybe I'll ask her to practice some breathing with me and see what comes up.

This is actually a really big thing for me right now. It ties into several things--a lifetime of training that I'm not supposed to ask for help, or be needy, the concept that if I break that old paradigm and do, then I have to know what I need specifically--to be healthy in my asking--(which I don't usually or I second guess and completely undermine it), then there's the risk of rejection if I get that far (which is far), and underneath it all the deep rooted belief that I am undeserving (which is instantly fed by rejection). I'm not saying any of that is rational or reasonable, it is simply the way I'm wired.  I'm trying to see it differently.  It's a good opportunity to shine more light on it I suppose.

Thanks again  :hug:
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 10:40:43 PM by MoonBeam »

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6724
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #159 on: October 03, 2019, 05:04:56 PM »
hey, moonbeam, that was quite an experience, and i think you dealt with it really well by staying there.  maybe not perfectly, maybe it was messy, but it was something different from old patterns, and i see that as progress.  well done!   :applause:

the idea of not knowing what or how much you're feeling can be a topic to discuss, either with your t or even at the beginning of the next group.  it's ok not to know - just letting even that information out is a step, and, yeah, you might get support or even help with it.  and, i get the idea of not asking for help - i lived most of my life like that.  it was truly difficult at first to be that vulnerable, but in the end, i did get both support and help, and that felt wonderful.  so, slowly, slowly, step by step - you'll get there.   :thumbup:

i'm guessing that you've got a lot of emotions repressed, and perhaps that breathing exercise let too many of them loose at one time.  i think that's something to possibly talk w/ the group leader about, see if there are any suggestions on how to do it more slowly, or in smaller increments, so that you don't get overwhelmed again.  that emotion stuff can be tricky, and altho it might be just right for some, for others, depending on the depth of their own trauma and experience, it can be too much.  i'm still getting overwhelmed at times when certain emotions come up that i'm not used to feeling. 

keep taking care of you, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with care and compassion.   :hug:

*

notalone

  • Member
  • 1716
    • View Profile
Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #160 on: October 03, 2019, 09:17:10 PM »
This is actually a really big thing for me right now. It ties into a lifetime of training that I'm not supposed to ask for help, or be needy and if I break that old paradigm and do, then I have to know what I need specifically--to be healthy in my asking--which I don't usually (or I second guess and completely undermine it), then there's the risk of rejection if I get that far (which is far), and underneath it all the deep rooted belief that I am undeserving (which is instantly fed by rejection). I'm not saying any of that is rational or reasonable, it is simply the way I'm wired.  I'm trying to see it differently.  It's a good opportunity to shine more light on it I suppose.
I'm sure you have heard the following before, but sometimes we need to hear things many times and from several sources. You have a right to have needs and to have them met. You have the right to ask for help. "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer. You deserve care, compassion, and love.  :hug:

*

MoonBeam

  • Member
  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #161 on: October 03, 2019, 10:37:17 PM »
Thank you for the encouragement and supporting me owning it as progress San. I am definitely intrigued by being able to access those deep stuck emotions simply by breathing so deeply. Something to explore in t for sure-whether or not it was a one-time thing or a new point of access for me. Those feelings have only erupted then overwhelmed so far when trying to talk about something in t or with an intense EF. I'm hopeful there is space for some real healing work in that experience or opening when/if I'm not blindsided by it. Asking for help is about being vulnerable and maybe empowered? That's just gonna take some work. Step by step it is.  :hug:

NotAlone, you and others here have attested to my worthiness and I am so appreciative. I do feel that it's true--I do deserve care, compassion and love--I feel that more and more. it's just those darn triggers... How easily those new tender threads seem to tear away when exposed to pressure. Though I think each time I reattach them, they will affix to my being with more strength.   :hug:




*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6724
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #162 on: October 04, 2019, 02:25:40 PM »
i agree w/ you, mb, about the reattachment process.  i think each experience gives us an opportunity to re-evaluate those triggers and what they mean to us, then we are able to look them square in the eye and say 'no' one more time as we make it through.  i think this access of emotions is interesting as well.  will be looking forward to seeing how this progresses for you.  i'd almost like to try it the way you described the breathing, but am too scared right now.  maybe some time in the future, so thanks for sharing.

sending love and a hug filled w/ perseverance.  :hug:

*

MoonBeam

  • Member
  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #163 on: October 04, 2019, 06:23:20 PM »
Thank you so much San. I feel, for sure. I'll keep you posted.

sending love and a hug filled w/ perseverance.  :hug:

Right back at you!  :hug:

*

MoonBeam

  • Member
  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: MoonBeam's Recovery Journal
« Reply #164 on: October 07, 2019, 04:11:40 AM »
I'm a little bummed tonight. I bought a ticket to see a band I really enjoy play tonight who were touring through my town. As it got closer to time to go, I kept getting more and more anxious, finally giving up on the idea of going. Most things I do, I do alone, so I'm not usually bothered by heading out on my own, but tonight I couldn't do it, didn't want to face all the people, while i stood there awkwardly on my own. I didn't want to go anywhere today.  At least I'm not in an EF, cowering, in a corner. Just anxious.

In all honesty, I felt a little unsettled all day. I can't really say why. I have been feeling pretty isolated lately, so a show probably would have been good thing. Oh well. I'm going to try to not give myself a hard time about it and just accept that I did what I felt I needed to in the moment-self preservation. We'll see what tomorrow brings.