MoonBeam's Recovery Journal

Started by MoonBeam, April 20, 2019, 01:35:15 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Not Alone

 :grouphug: You (all of you) are precious.

Snowdrop

Sending you love, hugs and support. :grouphug:

Snookiebookie2

Quote from: MoonBeam on December 10, 2019, 03:08:10 AM
💛

I'm not dependable. I want to be.
I disappear. I don't mean to.
I know you understand, but still i'm sorry.
I wish I were different, resilient, strong, free. I'm not.
I'm broken and the pieces are everywhere.
I want to gather them, but there's too many to hold.
Thank you for being here with me anyway.

Wow, I wish I could have written these words.  So wise, so self-aware and poetic.  I'm sure these words could describe feelings that all of us here have felt from one time or another.

I hear you X Sending you big hugs  :hug:.

MoonBeam

Thank you NotAlone, Snowdrop and Snookiebookie2 for seeing me. I'm very grateful for these boards, this collaboration of beings, seeking healing, connection. The understanding and support that can only be given by those who know.

I think it's time for a quick recap, sort of where I've been the last few months. Perhaps a gentle *TW* as I'm mentioning abuse.

Last summer, while visiting family I saw a pic my mum had found, an old polaroid stuck on the fridge. The pic was of me holding a cake with the #10 on it. I was struck by the fact I had zero memories of that person, didn't even recognize her as me. I hadn't noticed until then, the gap in my memory. Since starting t over a year and a half ago, I have had many memories return, much younger memories of CSA,PA, just what a dumpster fire my childhood was. I've relived some things I hadn't totally forgotten from teen years, but all of a sudden there was this gap between 10 and 14 I hadn't realized was missing.

Then comes Fall, and my birthday in early Nov--I'm not a fan. Never have been really. Pieces of memory began to dislodge. It's so interesting to me how the pieces come back much in the same way that I was coming apart at the time--in fragments, shards of an existence. There are flashes of images, body memories, illness, then more pieces. My memory is far from complete and I feel like I've had enough. I don't want to remember any more, though I must say that hasn't been my choice--returning memories echo the abuse in that way. I've been trying to acknowledge 10yo me, had a t session where she bravely shared. I mourned some at the beginning of this, for the things I remembered hit me hard. Then waited for the body memories, the triggers to fade a bit, to get back to functional, to try to hold dual-awareness so I can be mama, employee, friend, all while learning to let the little out. 10, is still a little, still needs protection. 

I can't say that I've come far with this, though I can acknowledge I did not become completely derailed. I have been supported, I've shared with my T, a friend, held onto a connection to higher self or source. Sometimes its just gritting teeth and getting through, but I have some resiliency now I see. I'm beginning to believe there is more to me than what happened to me. I am more than the story I was told by other's harm, neglect, carelessness. It seems that is the difference. I am not alone anymore as I re-experience the past. I am not holding this alone and in that I am beginning to heal.

Not Alone

You are not alone.  :hug:

Quote from: MoonBeam on December 30, 2019, 09:31:49 PM
I don't want to remember any more, though I must say that hasn't been my choice--returning memories echo the abuse in that way.
This really struck me. So true.

Completely get trying to get back to functional and hold dual-awareness.

Thank you for sharing, MoonBeam. I really appreciate you and your wisdom and tender heart.

Hope67

Hi MoonBeam - sending you a hug  :hug: if that's ok, and also wanted to say that you have been doing such a lot of processing there, and I also appreciate you and your wisdom and I agree that you have a tender heart. 
Hope  :)

MoonBeam

#201
NotAlone, thank you for your kind words and understanding. Healing is so incredibly hard sometimes. Thank you for being here and sharing this journey with me. I'm savoring your words--that I have wisdom and a tender heart.

And dear Hope, thank you. I always appreciate a  :hug: from you and the kindness you bring. You're so right. I really have been processing a lot. That feels so different from even months ago where I was still wondering what that meant--to process. To feel, to allow, to heal.

Feeling. That is a concept that was terrifying to me. I was sure I wouldn't survive if I allowed myself to feel. Sure I would die from the pain of it. The dark abyss would swallow me.  It seems so melodramatic seeing it in writing, but it was a deep rooted belief I held onto for so long.

Things have changed for me so much. I don't believe that anymore--that I will die if I allow myself to feel, to be vulnerable (to select few in safety, and here at OOTS), to listen to the littles, so damaged and afraid. I can even say I have some compassion for myself. That I'm able to discern (more often than not, I think) the difference between the past and present and navigate, albeit clumsily, through the maze of trauma, of memories, experiences, untruths and also see the hidden gems of new realities, new beliefs, new understanding of who I am.

I'm on day three of shifting habits that are not and have not been healthy for me. I'm preparing for a meditation retreat of sorts next weekend and there is a mandatory diet which requires no alcohol. I have been self-medicating with alcohol for most of my life. I'm a functional drunk, but still I drink every evening to avoid feeling, to avoid triggers, to stave off the fear, to fall asleep, all of it.  I realized that preparing for the retreat is actually half of the gift and the work of attending this retreat. I am doing so much better than I thought I would be. I am still smoking cigs, but down to 2 per day. Soon to leave those behind, I hope and will work towards that. Not required for the retreat, but because they hurt my chest and make me feel unwell. This is huge for me because I realized, I no longer want to do things that hurt me. So much has changed.

This morning I was sitting outside, feeling sunshine after heavy rain last night, soaking in the beauty of the light dancing in the drops of water retained by the browned grass seed, swaying gently in the lightest whisper of breeze. I took it deeply into my being. Truly just noticing the beauty in the moment. These moments are not something I experience daily, or perhaps even weekly, but they exist. They exist in a mind and in a heart that was shrouded in fear, self-hatred, and learned worthlessness. Today, I will keep my eyes and my heart open to the love, the comfort, the peace of that which is beautiful around me, and within me.
:hug:

Not Alone

Feeling like you might die from your feelings doesn't seem melodramatic to me. Maybe it would to someone who hasn't experienced deep, dark pain, but to me it makes sense. You have made enormous growth in allowing yourself to feel and to share your feelings with safe people.
Quote from: MoonBeam on January 04, 2020, 09:32:22 PM
I can even say I have some compassion for myself. That I'm able to discern (more often than not, I think) the difference between the past and present and navigate, albeit clumsily, through the maze of trauma, of memories, experiences, untruths and also see the hidden gems of new realities, new beliefs, new understanding of who I am.


This is BIG!     :fireworks:

Supporting you as you work on shifting your alcohol habit.  :bighug:

MoonBeam

Thank you Dear NotAlone, for understanding. I'm sorry you do and grateful we all have each other.  And THANK YOU for the fireworks! Big smiles from me and the littles!

I wanted to acknowledge how things are changing for me. To hold that awareness, to remind me I am moving forward. I know it's always going to be up and down and sometimes way down. I think truly the biggest difference in all of this is not being alone in it. Being seen and cared for by others, being supported and feeling the strength of this community here. It makes the toughest times bearable.

I was triggered in t on Friday and started to panic. Total flight response, nervous twitchy-wanted to run. This would then usually turn into freeze as I realize there's no escape (I think cause the danger is within me, from the past). I felt it wash over me, was aware it was happening, but couldn't quite keep the awareness of the present. My T asked me to pause and helped me through a grounding exercise to bring me back in. We put the things that triggered me in a "container" until later (it was near the end of the session). The difference is now, even after the trigger, I didn't fall into the chasm or have a lingering EF. I was really ok.  I was able to feel safe again. I'm not sure if I would have faired as well on my own with the same trigger, but I'm learning how to navigate and how to ask for help.

I know I will need to look at the things that were coming up. In time I believe I will be able to, hopefully without the immediate physical memory taking hold. Still, I say, things are getting better.

Not Alone

To be able to put things in a container until later and not fall into the chasm is big growth.

MoonBeam

Thanks NotAlone. I appreciate that.

Snowdrop

QuoteThe difference is now, even after the trigger, I didn't fall into the chasm or have a lingering EF. I was really ok.  I was able to feel safe again.

^^^ This sounds like great progress!

MoonBeam


sanmagic7

well done, mb :thumbup:  sounds like you're going in a pos. direction w/ everything.  to be able to contain the neg., and navigate through the unresolved without falling into that chasm - huge!  and, i'm so glad for you that you're finding this place to be helpful as well.  you're right - you are not alone, :grouphug: but loved and cared about here.  so glad you're able to ask for help more often now.

sending love and a hug filled w/ continued strength and self-awareness. : :hug:

MoonBeam

Thank you San.  I always appreciate your hugs.

I went to a healing retreat last weekend. It was held by amazing, wise women healers, medicine women. I went hoping to connect with me, the missing parts of me, my inner child/children. The work was intense, painful, beautiful, life-changing. The facilitators were incredibly loving and supportive.
After the first evening, I didn't think I could do the rest. I felt it was hopeless, that it was too late, that there was nothing of worth left inside me. The healers worked with me, talking and doing so much energy work, by the second evening my heart was beginning to open. I was able to go deeply within and when I got to the place I always get stuck, they loved me through, removing my pain and allowing me to welcome back in the part of me that left when I was seven, when I started to leave my body during the abuse.
I realized after the first evening of the healing work, when I left my body as a child, I never really came back in, the pain was too great. That made so much sense and was heart breaking. The soul retrieval allowed me to feel love, deep love for my little. I cried for days, sobbing, feeling grief and deep love for this child. I understand so much now.  I knew there were these parts and I could hear them, remember them mostly, but this weekend I was able to hold my littles, to tell them how sorry I was they were all alone for so long and that I wished I had been able to get to them sooner.
My homework is to spend 45 minutes or so with my Little every day. Spend that time painting or taking a bath or a walk talking with them, play a game, anything that will bring me into a loving relationship with them and through that a loving relationship with joy. I have been able to be with my 4yo completely and Little M (a little) She sat in my lap today. I am so moved. I don't have enough words to explain all that is going on in my heart.

Love and blessings  :hug: