Cutting off emotionally abusive parent/who doesn't know they are

[MotherOf2Meowzers]

Hello,

I was wondering if anyone had advice on how to cut off an emotionally abusive mother. My mother emotionally abused me my entire life, and doesn't think or realize that she did, has been repeatedly trying to get in contact with me after I've stopped contacting her. She has left me voicemails nearly begging me to call her back because she is worried I'm dead or whatever. I live 1000 miles away from her, moved 2 states away to get away, but just recently severed my communication with her. She is having my sister call and text, and is saying she is going to "come out here" if I don't call to say I'm okay.

Has anyone ever experienced anything like this, or even have any advice on how to deal with a situation like this?
I'm just trying to think of what to say, via my sister, to get the point across that I am fine and am just needing some time right now.

I would greatly appreciate any advice as I desperately need it.

Thanks greatly.

[johnram]

Firstly - well done for cutting off contact, i have done the same and its been hugely beneficial.  I know it is not easy, but for you and your health, its the right thing.  you can always choose later to reconnect, but recovery and healing come first, especially getting space away from narcissistic parents (my dad the same).  Appreciate that the feelings can be conflicted around such a decision too. 

anyway, in terms of your specific question, i dont see that you have told your mum specifically that you have cut off contact?  i know that is very complicated, but i sense this situation will continue unless a boundary is made, again appreciate you are dealing with a narcissist, so it likely wont stop her, but it may give you some empowerment.  Or at the least telling your sister?

For me, i wrote letters...in the years following have had meetings....with the child part of me hoping they would admit their abuse, but it never happened.  So in the end, the letting go, is about you making a better life for yourself, and getting away from her and the drama seems a good step. 

not sure i have helped, but offering my thoughts and best wishes for you

[Three Roses]

I have some suggestions. First, I would not ask my sister or anyone to be the go-between. Messages can be misinterpreted in the re-telling and I've always preferred to make sure I'm completely understood in those situations.

I recently had an experience that I will relate here. My sibling was one of my main abusers, an older "brother". After my F died, I stopped calling him or returning his calls and gradually over time we just never spoke again. But I never said formally, "I don't want to talk to you."

My cousins and I are still in contact though, and every once in a while one would call to give me family news (someone got married, someone had passed, etc). If they asked if I'd heard from him, I would always remind them I never wanted to hear from him, didn't have a phone number, if they reached him to not give him my number or address as I'd moved.

Then, he called my oldest cousin out of the blue one day after a silence of 13 years. She got my number from her sister and they gave him my contact info.

To make a long story a little shorter, I spoke with him a few times to just give him a chance but it soon became evident it just wasn't going to work for me to stay in contact with him. I then had the difficult task of calling him and telling him I did not want to continue our relationship.

In hindsight this has given me a feeling of accomplishment, of power, and a sense that I'm able to protect myself in ways that I never could before. I'm hoping that in telling you my story you can glean from it some points that may be useful to you. 😊❤️

[Blueberry]

I would not ask my sister or anyone to be the go-between. Messages can be misinterpreted in the re-telling

   I learned it the hard way.

I think it would be ideal to set your sister a boundary and tell her it's between you and your M. It took me years to be able to do that kind of thing, so that's why I'm saying 'ideal'.

For further information, you might like to check out the Going No Contact with a PD Parent over on our sister website Out of the Fog https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=35.0  Also the Toolbox on What To Do https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1/ and Top 100 Traits and Behaviours https://outofthefog.website/traits You will probably see examples of your M's behaviour  in this list. These lists helped me to see that my FOO is in fact pretty disordered and that it's not just me, the way FOO still thinks.

It's absolutely not OK for your M to be threatening you with "coming out here" to check on you! That's abusive in itself.

[saylor]

I was estranged from my abusive F for over a decade. He died during the estrangement (I have written about this in some previous posts, FWIW). That was almost 2 decades ago, and I don't regret whatsoever having gone NC.
For me, the crux of the matter was that not only did he never show any remorse, he wouldn't even talk about what he had done to me and sib. I think if he had acknowledged and apologized, we probably could have had some form of relationship (though not sure whether it would have been entirely "normal"...)
Anyway, I wrote him a letter with a summary of memorable abuses I'd endured and how they had lingering effects on me. He chose never to acknowledge what I had said, but wanted to engage in lighthearted communication and socializing with me. How on earth was I going to be lighthearted with him? What planet was he on, and where did he find such audacity as to think I'd be fine with him just ignoring my suffering, which he had caused? I still don't understand it, but I guess denial can be a powerful tool for not having to experience discomfort.
In your case, if you, like me, feel you could have a relationship with an abusive parent, as long as they took ownership and showed remorse, then maybe it would be a good idea to very clearly and deliberately spell that out to her (in writing would probably be best). Then see what happens, and take it from there.
Looking back, it probably would have been good to spell out, letter-by-letter, to my F that I would not consider speaking with him unless, before any other words, he heard me out and told me, earnestly, that he was wrong to hurt me that way, and took responsibility and was deeply sorry. Otherwise, no dice. I'm guessing he still wouldn't have been willing to "go there", but I can't know for sure, now.
Maybe apologies are overrated, and I'm not entirely sure what they even accomplish. All I know is I would never have been able to act like everything was ok if he and I hadn't cleared the air adequately, and credibly, beforehand.
Good luck to you. I hope you can find a solution that works and feels comfortable

[Invisibledaughter]

I'm also dealing with an emotionally abuse NPD Mother. I have to say that trying to tell them how they've hurt you will completely blow up in your face. They will deny it and for me I just felt even more invisible.

I agree with others advice, keep it between you and your Mom. I'm currently working on going NC, but I live close to my mother and after years (I'm 44) of brainwashing me about how close we are, it's been a struggle.

I think it's great that you live so far away. I've been playing the "busy" card a lot when I avoid her. I'm not sure we even really have to tell them we're going NC. I almost feel like we're wired to please everyone and put ourselves last, which is tough to break.

I wish you the best 💜

[Kizzie]

How are things going MoM? 

[Encontrada]

I completely relate! It was to the point that my sister was kicked out of my parent's house for several reasons, one of which was the refusal to be used as a conduit to me. I made the decision to become estranged in 2013 following their testimony in the legal system against me as retaliation in a custody battle. I don't regret that decision 6 years ago. Previous to that I spent 18 months attempting to reconcile and each time it blew up in my face. I still suffer trauma symptoms from that time period in my life.

I agree boundaries are important. Luckily, the sister saw firsthand what was happening. I always told her that if they wanted information or tried to talk about me to just direct them to me. I reaffirmed with her repeatedly that she didn't deserve to be put in the middle and that their issues with me should be directed to me. Of course, I had cut off contact, but that's not on her, and shouldn't matter in her response.  The rest of the family, unfortunately, could not see past my trauma symptoms, my parent's manipulation and their own self-interests combined.

In extreme cases, you may need to get a restraining order if your boundary of no contact isn't being respected. At least from my experience.

[Bix]

I sort of underatand why just not responding is a preferred way to go nc, as I did it just last year.  It was impossible for me to deal with what happened, to even just bring up in my mind that 'this was painful, they are still abusive'. But I still  realized I needed lots of distance,

In my experience though, my narc parents, who neglected me, barely had contact, didn't even invite me to family events, started hounding me when they realized I wasnt responding. They even showed up on my doorstep from across the entire country unannounced.  It felt horrifying to me.

All to say, if I had to do it again, I would just make a simple email to say you don't want ANY communication for an undetermined amount of time, you will not be responding to anything further. Then block em and txt.  You may run the risk of an in person confrontation, and tons of stress, like I got,  just trying to avoid all their various manipulations to do what they want as you buck the family system.