Working on my indecisiveness and lack of confidence in own judgments

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Oscen

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Some of the conditions that my developmental emotional neglect have let me with are very common but subtle, and quite difficult to live with.
I am trying to observe and work on these symptoms right now.
The ones I'm considering atm are:

Indecisiveness
A difficulty in considering how to spend my time, what goals to set and pursue, what tasks to carry out to make them happen, and an overall lack of vision for what I want out of life. It comes from a sense of passivity, of being a passenger in my own life. I used to not do anything when I was a kid sitting round at home, because although my M griped and moaned that we didn't do housework etc, it was still much less trouble as she would also pick holes if I did do anything. I think she moaned because she felt inadequate as a mother/woman, so allowing us to do household tasks that she saw as her responsibility would have actually upset her more. I took the path of least resistance, and am still struggling to get up and do tasks that I want done. It is reinforcing a lack of self-trust as well, as setting a goal is not straightforward and I generally don't follow through.

Lack of self-belief/low trust in own judgment
This is closely entwined with the above; I realised lately that I just don't trust my own judgment and generally seek validation from others for basic decisions, instead of just trusting in my own observations and decided course of action. It's a real waste of energy, and also related to fleas, because when I'm unaware I'm seeking validation, it becomes an excuse for attempting to control others' reactions, by demanding a certain response from them - seeing things my way - instead of being tolerant and respectful of different viewpoints.

These things are causing me the most headaches at the moment and dissipating my energy a lot, as they break the chain of energy, flowing from:
thought/idea -> decision/plan -> action -> reflection/evaluation -> repeat
The energy leaks out between decision and action.

To improve the situation, I'm trying to make fewer plans/decisions, but taking action quicker on the decisions I do make, and evaluating these acts more positively, simply for having given it a go. Things like housework, typing a lesson plan for work, etc. Simple things that are easy enough but not quite fixed ,so I have to figure it out myself as I go along. KonMari-ing my flat has helped too, because it encourages taking action based on intuition, allowing for mistakes, and creating an environment that nurtures you.

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notalone

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Re: Working on my indecisiveness and lack of confidence in own judgments
« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2019, 11:26:34 PM »
Significant insights.  :thumbup:

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LearnToLoveTheRide

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Re: Working on my indecisiveness and lack of confidence in own judgments
« Reply #2 on: April 22, 2019, 11:31:02 AM »
Hi

I have a number of small personal, domestic and professional tasks that I use to maintain my sense of 'doing well'.

What other people think of as chores and put off for as long as possible, like doing the dishes, I use to ensure that I am keeping myself well and mentally healthy. I can pick up a 'chore', and execute on it until completion. I feel a sense of achievement and nurturing knowing that I am looking after myself.

Take care...LTLTR

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Oscen

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Thanks Notalone.

Hi LTLTR, it's a good point about domestic chores. I used to hate them, as I played recordings in my head of M looking over my shoulder, telling me my efforts were not good enough. Since getting more interested in meditation, "being in the now", and also KonMari-ing my flat, I've been learning to enjoy the process more.

I love my flat, I love my clothes, my dishes, and my utensils that I cook with because I love preparing and eating food, so I'm focusing on housework as a way to engage with my surroundings and honour and appreciate the day-to-day things that shelter and nourish me. I check in with my body, breathe, and try to really focus on what I'm doing. I always end up ruminating about something or other, but it's definitely feeling better.