My stubborn survival and the quest to gain hope

[Liliuokalani]

Hello all. I'm from the Out of the Fog forum as I'm sure many of you are. I was so scared to make my first post on the previous site and a lot less apprehensive on this one, because I have gotten so much love and support since I joined. I am a medical school student. My journey has been very tough, because for the longest time I had a lot of anxiety and depression and didn't even realize it until I took a survey our psychiatry professor suggested we give to psychiatry patients and scored extremely high levels of anxiety and moderate levels of depression. This started a somewhat painful journey of self discovery that has ultimately granted me freedom, my one major desire in life.

I struggled a lot, I failed some medical school classes and struggled to keep grades up, and I couldn't figure out why, I have always been quite smart, sorry if I sound narcissistic. I have many weaknesses, but intelligence in not one of them. I'm also painfully shy at times, never really want to leave my apartment if I can help it, and believe strongly in the healing power of cats. I discovered my struggles and shyness were a result of my mom having undiagnosed borderline personaity disorder, as discovered by me and my therapist that I finally gathered the courage to seek out. We discovered my tainted past, the years of manipulation and abuse I was never even aware of. I just spent most of my life feeling that I was horribly flawed, and not of much value. My first boyfriend also most likely had uBPD, along with a few other boyfriends after. I am a victim of emotional abuse, physical abuse, all of which were mostly covert, and sometimes overt. Covert in my opinion is almost worse. No one on the outside sees the pain you go through, and when you explain they usually leave the conversation in doubt and disbelief.

My first boyfriend raped me. Boyfriends after sexually assaulted me in other ways, to the point where I don't think many men have any self control or respect toward women in the bedroom. I don't like to admit this to friends or subsequent boyfriends, and usually do not. Because my whole family that enables and rallies around my mom are all about self pity. I refuse to be a victim. I don't want to be known as the girl that was abused and raped. I am a survivor. I admittedly struggle and have difficulty opening up because of this. But I have fought long, hard, and all alone with very little support to be where I am today. Where most medical students were getting emails from their moms saying they miss them with dorky cat videos attached, I got constant reminders from my mom full of guilt tripping and how much money I owed her. That is her favorite sword of Damocles. Money. While studying for my boards and applying for rotations, my parents were abruptly removing all financial support, threatening to kick me out of their home, and whatever else they could do when I began to refuse the abuse they were hurling at me. I never submitted. I simply ran away and lived and worked on my own until I could afford to go back to school. And I did. I haven't spoken to my parents in over a year. My siblings have all but abandoned me completely.

This will not define me I will learn to thrive. But right now, I'm stuck in survival mode, always fighting through what feels like a sea of molasses, struggling every step of the way to make it through the day and end up with a successful career, and some day, a family. I need your help to do this!

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Liliuokalani, welcome to OOTS! Your story sounds hair-raising. I don't even really know what to say. I'm sorry you have so much on your plate now, and that your family only adds to your burdens. I hope you'll find something here that helps.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Lili (I hope it's OK to use a short form).  I'm so glad you found your way to us and like OOTF you'll find a lot of support and encouragement here.  You've shown incredible strength in dealing with what life has served up to you and I can understand that you don't want to engage in self-pity, but perhaps it's time for some self-compassion?  It really is a lot we have to deal with, like struggling through a sea of molasses as you so aptly put it, getting through life - surviving but not really living. 

I don't know if you've had a chance to look through the site or check into some of the resources but one fellow many of us relate to is Pete Walker.  He's a therapist in the US who has CPTSD himself so he's able to see things from the outside in and the inside out so to speak.  Anyway, his site is here - http://www.pete-walker.com/    You may also want to pick up his book "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving." He talks a lot of about needing to be compassionate toward ourselves, something that sounds simple, but which many of us have a hard time with, at least at first. 

I also have a covert NPDM (am LC) as well as a covert NPDB (am NC) and many FM friends and family (also NC with them) - best move I ever made!  Freedom is hard won though isn't it? It took many (many) years to figure it all out, but like you eventually I came out of the fog at OOTF. 

I hope you will find that are also in good company here as you recover from CPTSD 

[Liliuokalani]

It is perfectly fine to use the short form of my username. I just love the name, it's a Hawaiian princess from long ago and the name has a nice flow. OOTF has been a huge support system for me during my tough times and helped me get a therapist in the first place. I find freedom to be extremely difficult. Even a year later I find the wounds to be really fresh. That and I'm pretty much experiencing all holidays completely alone. Holidays are a big deal in my family, steeped in tradition that I upheld more than anyone else in my family. I made sure the decorations and events were almost exactly the same as the previous year. I don't have any of that, and especially around Christmas, it was incredibly difficult. I was almost on call at my hospital that week too which would have been even more depressing. But I tell myself that it's far worse to be with my family and deal with the traditions that aren't so great, like the belittling, guilt tripping, and inevitably my dad will get really drunk and attack someone. Usually me because I'm stupid enough to defend the siblings that rarely defend me. My silly way of reclaiming control over abusive situations I think. I confronted my dad about one drunken Christmas fight where he pushed me down on the couch after I told him to stop yelling at my brother. He looked at me confused and told me he never did that. He genuinely had no idea. Oh boy.

I am trying to learn to be compassionate toward myself. I have no idea how to do this, I'm working on it. I've been reading a lot of self help books, especially the Emotionally Absent Mother book, and have tried to be my own mom. Like what would I say to my child going through these difficulties. And I struggle with it. It feels fake and inadequate. I wish someone else was telling me these things and comforting me, alas, I cannot really find anyone like this. My therapist does a great job of being my support system and cheerleader. Unfortunately she costs a lot of money and my insurance company makes it extremely difficult to get compensation. She helps out, I go on a "tab" of sorts and pay her back whenever. But I feel so bad about doing that. She tells me not to feel bad, this is her choice and her boundaries. It's so true. I still feel terrible. I cannot reason my way out of it.

This is my issue. I feel, and have been told, that I have a lot of insight into my issues. I'm good at reasoning this stuff out. But it's like my body isn't listening. I still feel the old feelings. I have been listening on an audiobook to The Body Keeps the Score and the author does an excellent job of explaining this. My reptilian and mammalian brains have not reconciled what my higher brain keeps trying to tell me. And I hope here, I can figure out how to resolve this. Knock myself out of my constant survival mode. I'm always on high alert. I'm always panicked, always full of doubt.

I actually literally just bought the book you suggested! I got in on Kindle and I will probably delve into it soon. I eat up these self help books, and part of that is personal, some of that is because I would like to be a psychiatrist in my future. I think this would ultimately help me heal, devoting my life to helping people exactly like me. Altruism I think.

Thank you for the welcoming! I think I will stay here for many years to come. OOTF has watched me grow, I hope I will grow here too.

[Liliuokalani]

Thank you for the lovely post BeHea1thy. I live in New York too! Just temporarily. Anyway, thank you, I will continue to look at resources for help on my inner critic. My safe place always seems to be my home, I put a lot of time and effort into the places I live, no matter how temporary. I'm signed up for my current place for only six months but I set up a dining room table and decorated with a lot of knick knacks and art prints. I find the grocery store oddly comforting too. I used to dodge my parents while I was studying for the boards and I wasn't 100% sure if they would be in their condo, where they go on the weekends, or their regular home. I would always try to be in whichever home they weren't in, which means regular long, long drives on the weekend and me rushing to get all my things packed for the weekend. Super stressful. But in the times I wasn't sure if they had left the other house yet, I would often use Starbucks as my second home, and there are a lot of them in grocery stores, or I would do an extra long grocery shopping trip to kill the time.

I kind of shut down on the weekends. I usually have a long list of errands I couldn't get to during the week but I'm so exhausted emotionally and physically I just do whichever ones I can get around to. If I had a lot of money I would seriously consider hiring a maid. Right now I just kind of deal with being a little more gross than I used to be. I kind of use that time to zone out and not think, or listen to a bunch of podcasts, a few of which I find oddly comforting and sometimes listen to ones I've already listened to.

[Rrecovery]

Hi Liliuokalani and Welcome    Thank you for sharing your story. I also suffered abuse from my family beyond childhood because of my financial dependence.  I can still feel how that felt in my gut.  I'm glad you were able to make the break - so did I eventually.  It's hard to go it alone though isn't it?  I'm glad you found this place and hope you find it as helpful and nurturing as I have   

[Domily]

I just graduated with my business degree last year. When I'm learning, and working toward something I am fine. I can deal with financial issues like a pro and my autistic son while frustrating at times is a great distraction. I have similar experiences with men and have found that my anxiety and fear controls most of my personal relationships, if I let the relationship form at all. I often wonder if accountability partners would work as well for anxiety and depression as it does for addicts and fitness. I am new here, I wasn't in the fog forum but I hope to find the help you have found here.

[seasaw_]

Hi Liliuokalani 

I just wanted to share with you information regarding consent - like that found at consentissexy dot net and consented dot ca

I do a lot of work with consent education and hope you will find these resources interesting and empowering! 

My very best to you. 

[Liliuokalani]

Thank you everyone for your replies! Domily, I understand, working toward something is very helpful. It makes you feel like you have a purpose, especially when your parents have basically taught you that you're worthless unless you're working on something. I remember whenever I would take a break from homework, and my mom would hear me laughing about something with my siblings, she would pop her head in my room and say "why aren't you doing your homework?" As if breaks shouldn't exist. I'm getting straight A's mom, lay off. You would think kids doing well in school would catch a break but it seems the pressure is just lathered on thicker to keep the A's and accomplishments.

Weirdly, people in medicine are kind of the same way, which unfortunately is pretty triggering for me. If a group of medical students are laughing about something, they will get disapproval from the nearest administrator, resident, attending, nurse, what have you. Nothing worse than a student having fun, that means they aren't hard at work learning something. At that moment. I guess I believe you can have fun and learn things. I didn't think this was a new concept.

I have found humor and sarcasm to be an especially helpful coping mechanism. I used sarcasm on my mom a lot. I guess it kept the mood light so people didn't feel threatened when they agreed with me. I wish I could be more serious and have a real confrontation about an issue. But god forbid anyone have real emotions. And have to experience them.