I am glad that you are taking a deep breath

Yes, I have felt like I was compliant in my abuse. I no longer feel that way, but it took years of hard work to get there. I now know that I was victimized by me abusers. Predators are really good at convincing us that they need us, and we become good at meeting their perverted "needs."
"I realize this is screwed up to no end." I believe what is screwed up is them and not me. Again, this took time and work for me to genuinely believe. I have internalized the message, "My abusers were/are sick people." I have purged the message, "It is my fault."