Anniversary of worst abuse - TW!

[Blueberry]

Oh, yes, you had it bad. As I posted to Elphanigh earlier, one of the worst things other than the obvious about abuse is that we seem to believe it wasn't "enough" to count as abuse.

curled up with the dog sounds really good! I think I made it through my childhood and teenage years because of the family dog. Sometimes I still imagine her in bad times. 

[California Dreaming]

Hi Deep Blue I am not sure what time it is where you are, but I am thinking that the anniversary is now over. I agree with Blueberry: you had it bad! Part of my story is meeting with a psychiatrist when I was 42 and him telling me that I had been severely abused. I did not have the framework to believe him at the time. I started working with him a year later wondering if I had really been abused at all. As it turns out, he was right. It took several years for me to actually realize and internalize the severity of my abuse.

I want to clarify that the memories of my abuse have not been purged; it is the emotional charge associated with the memories that has been purged. More and more they simply are memories. I have learned to use being emotionally charged as a signal to do inner work around the issue that creates the charge.

It feels good to me to know that others are doing the work of healing the wounds of their abuse. I feel less alone in my process. Thank you so much for sharing your healing process with the OOTS community. I feel honored to be a part of your process.

[Deep Blue]

California,
Yes the anniversary is over.  Deep breath.  I know I need to do some inner work.  Much of it has to do with the physical abuse I think.  I just keep feeling like I need to push a pause button on it. 

****Possible trigger warning****



Does anyone else feel like they were compliant in the abuse?  I never fought it... I just went along with it.  I realize this is screwed up to no end... I rarely ever mention this... even in therapy... but my abuse was scheduled.  I often knew when it was coming.  That's why I was often given a number. I tried to drink a little to help me dissociate.  I better post this before chicken out and delete this.

[DecimalRocket]

I relate to that. I had a lot of fight in me in the early days as a kid, but as time passed it dwindled away into being passive, and it took a lot of time to bring it back. Somewhere I was succesfully indoctrinated to believing it was all my fault, so I understand what you mean, Deep Blue.

[California Dreaming]

I am glad that you are taking a deep breath

Yes, I have felt like I was compliant in my abuse. I no longer feel that way, but it took years of hard work to get there. I now know that I was victimized by me abusers. Predators are really good at convincing us that they need us, and we become good at meeting their perverted "needs."

"I realize this is screwed up to no end." I believe what is screwed up is them and not me. Again, this took time and work for me to genuinely believe. I have internalized the message, "My abusers were/are sick people." I have purged the message, "It is my fault."

[Deep Blue]

Rocket,
Thanks. You are right.  Things never started with abuse.  The fight in me dwindled the more it happened.

Trigger warning*** just to be safe

  I remember over and over hearing... you know why I have to do this right?  You know you brought this on yourself... it was said often enough that I agreed with my abuser.  I always apologized before and after The abuse. I fully thought if I could be better, prove myself, the abuse would stop.  It didn't... in fact it got worse and worse until I had no fight left in me.  Deep breath deep breath.

California dreaming,
Yes my abuser was screwed up! Not me!  I need to write that on a card and read it to myself over and over.  Thanks for the strength.  Each of your posts give me glimpses of where I hope to get to.  Without knowing it you have become a light at the end of the tunnel for me.  Thank you thank you thank you.  I'm sending a big hug to you.  It's one where we hug and take a deep breath together.   

[California Dreaming]

Soooooo beautiful Deep Blue. Hugs and beep breaths together. We cannot do this alone. 

[Blueberry]

Yes my abuser was screwed up! Not me! 

Exactly! Congratulations for writing it here. That's a forward step! 

[sanmagic7]

you made it thru - i truly hope you're doing better today.  if it's not all gone, i hope it's lessened a lot.  keep taking good care of you - you so deserve that.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Deep Blue]

Sanmagic,
Yes I made it through.  It's over.  My symptoms are not all gone but have really lessened.  The body memories are more of a dull ache now and not the debilitating pain they were yesterday.  I feel stronger for not having given in to my unhealthy coping strategy too.  Thanks for reading and responding and checking in on me too 
Things are going to be ok 

[sanmagic7]

 

[DecimalRocket]

I'm happy you're better, Deep Blue.  . It must have been so hard, but you've done it. You really did.

[Deep Blue]

Rocket,
Thanks for the support and the hug.
Sending one back to ya 

[Deep Blue]

Well it's been a year and I'm back to this post.

I saw my T today and we read the memory of this night... she says it's just words on a page. It a memory, it's not real.  So I'm trying to focus on what's real around me.

It took almost 30 minutes to read a small 3 page entry.  I kept stopping.  I'm so tired. I've never been so tired from a session before.  I couldn't have gotten through the memory without my T... now I'm just hoping sleep finds me tonight.

[Three Roses]

Healing hugs to you! 

You're not what they did to you, you are your own person. You can stand strong in the knowledge you are worthy and powerful, and health is your right. I'm cheering you on from the sidelines!