I notice many articles or websites all about Narc Abuse talk about emotional abuse, and may mention how EA is as bad or worse than PA. I can appreciate how damaging the EA alone is, of course.
From my experience, when there was PA, there was also EA, so to me, it was a lot worse, because the sadistic, rageful messages and expressions were cemented with the PA. I feel like this combination over such a long time is what literally ruined me into not being able to make decisions, get away, feel worthy, express myself.
My NM would have me believe that this was all normal, and that I deserved what I was getting. Made to believe that expressing a thought or opinion was indeed being disrespectful and deserving of very harsh punishment. That making a "mistake", aka having some sort of accident, was definitely reason to "get the belt."
After 4 years of getting a much better understanding of NA and how it's affected me, as well as processing and grieving some of the more major episodes, I feel that these flashbacks are a lot less visceral than they were. But sometimes it leaves me feeling at a loss for what to do with that experience or memory.
I easily go back to anger or resentment when i'm triggered with these memories, and I don't know what else to do with the physical abuse aspect. Since I keep hearing the emotional abuse is worse, it's confusing since so many times it went together. I just lump it all together, but I feel like as much as I'm reading and processing and feel better at times, I think I've swept some of the physical stuff under the rug because I've felt there's just no point. How does one heal from the emotional wounds of being hit so much and so often, and gaslighted into having to immediately pretend it never happened, now and immediately when it happened. It's like my horrifying experiences were immediately and forever erased (for everyone but me). And I am the bad guy for wanting space, and now for going NC.