[Kizzie]

I came across this today - "Trauma is not in the event; it is in the nervous system."  For me it emphasizes the deeply physiological aspects of trauma versus the tendency to see it as strictly psychological.  It speaks to why I have always felt that I am not holding onto trauma, rather it is holding onto me.  It isn't merely a memory, it resides in more places in my physical being than just my brain/memory.

I had planned to start some somatic experiencing therapy this spring but we are moving and I want to save my extended health coverage for our new location which is very close to a large city and lots of options for SE and other types of therapy. 

[zeekoctane]

That is a profound statement that holds true for me as well. My family keeps telling me to let it go, which I think I have, but I find it consumes me and thus controls me. Thank you for finding this.

[MoonBeam]

Thanks Kizzie.  This is so true for me. Beautifully stated for sure. From what I understand, my neural pathways were formed around surviving trauma. So, even though the events themselves were long ago, the way I walk in the world has always been affected by the trauma I experienced. I feel like I'm just beginning to understand the extent that this is true. 
At this point, the trauma, my relationship to it, to recovery, is so multi-faceted, emotional, physical, mental--I see the way it shaped me, the me I am today...
Thanks so much for sharing. I'm going to let this sink in for a bit.

[woodsgnome]

"Trauma holds on." Personally, I've gone through endless cycles of thinking that I could or indeed was on the way to 100% recovery from complex traumas. Now I seem to have enough perspective to doubt that full recovery scenario. What's more important might be to give the inner critic permission to stop the analysis and just proceed with life the best I can; knowing that trauma remnant is probably stuck in place, for no reason worth agonizing over (wonder/disgust/anger is okay to a point).

The other part of this that comes to mind is how impossible this usually is to fully share with anyone, so all the pain stays hidden inside. Instead of understanding, the typical outsider's response can range from false to well-intended pity; and beyond to outright skepticism that anything like we share really happened or could have been that bad. And the proof stays invisible, and we carry it forward. And, in my experience, it never fully escapes, akin to 'the body keeps the score' if nothing else does. It isn't even logical, but we feel it.

This persistent and disguised form of 'trauma retention' has been surprising to me; I always held the belief that I would overcome, if only I worked hard enough. Well -- for sure facets might be alleviated, but I have my doubts now, after several years of growing up with this stuff, trying to ignore it, patterns being repeated, more denials, etc. Finally the realization -- that okay, how do I live now, even if trauma is indeed stuck.

[Kizzie]

I hear you WG and I am concerned too as the trauma permeates everything in my life and I don't know that it ever goes away entirely.  My hope though is that I can process and integrate it much more in my body/ heart/ mind such that I live with it more comfortably, don't go through life with a trauma lens 24/7,  and I have more space/energy for positive things in my life. 

What that is in terms of therapy I'm not entirely sure but I'm willing to try different avenues as long as my health coverage allows me to. I know the last round of EMDR really helped with reducing the constant triggering by Trump and to remove myself even further from my NPDM who I had gotten enmeshed with to a degree without quite realizing it.  The problem is that private therapy is so expensive and there isn't really anyone through the public health care here that knows much if anything about CPTSD. 

My hope (dream) for all of us is that the MH field will come to recognize just how many of us there are and how much more accessible (in terms of cost and location) and holistic treatment we need.