How to be stable?

[Gromit]

I posted on another post when I was feeling low this morning. This week (it's only Wednesday) I have been feeling particularly low in the mornings, after the school run, when I am out walking my dog. Ready to cry and it is only seeing another dog walker that has helped, or not, if there is no one.

This morning when I came home I was ready to call the doctor, get back on some anti-depressants, I think it was only the daunting prospect of actually being on hold for 20 minutes and then having to talk to a receptionist when I had other stuff to do, in order not to feel a complete failure, that saved me.  So I did the stuff instead of making the call and my mood lifted. Even walking the dog in the pouring rain this afternoon did not depress me.

I wish I was more stable. Is there a way? This proves the slogan, 'This too shall pass' it does, but I forget that when I am feeling low, instead, I wonder if this is the end, and I beat myself up for being so weak, which makes it worse.

I cannot say there was a trigger this morning. Maybe I was feeling bad about work. I was back at work last night, in a new place taking a class and none of the new people came back, just the regulars, and not all of them and I wasn't organised. Imposter syndrome attacks me at times like that. Yes, I think that may have been it. I am the teacher and so, apart, other, whilst the people in the class, even if they did not know each other before, have made connections. I can't exactly share my feelings of inadequacies with them about my teaching.

Is there any way for even normal life not to feel like a roller coaster ?

[Three Roses]

I'm having a rough morning/day also, and realized I'm probably in an EF. Just realizing that helped. Then I reached out to a couple of friends and asked for encouragement, and have heard back from one already. Honest expression of my sorrow and loneliness, with no shame for feeling them, has helped the clouds lift a bit.

I'm standing with you! You are not alone. 

[Blueberry]

This proves the slogan, 'This too shall pass' it does, but I forget that when I am feeling low, instead, I wonder if this is the end, and I beat myself up for being so weak, which makes it worse.

Sounds like an EF to me. For me it used to be as if I had no access to the information that things would get better again. I can remember telling my doc and my T about 'no access'. Maybe it's like that for you, rather than forgetting? Before I was in trauma T, counsellors and Ts would say "But you must know how you got back into a better state? You must have taken some steps. It can't just happen." But it often did 'just happen' and when I told my trauma T that that's what it felt like, he nodded. With trauma that would make sense not having access to part of our knowledge, memories etc for some period of time.

My 'access' to the knowledge has got better with time, during the time I've been in trauma T. However still 2 steps forward, 1 back. Recently I didn't have access to this information for a little while either.

If at all possible, self-care is useful. I tend to harangue myself instead though. So I empathise with you here.

I cannot say there was a trigger this morning. Maybe I was feeling bad about work. I was back at work last night, in a new place taking a class and none of the new people came back, just the regulars, and not all of them and I wasn't organised. Imposter syndrome attacks me at times like that. Yes, I think that may have been it. I am the teacher and so, apart, other, whilst the people in the class, even if they did not know each other before, have made connections. I can't exactly share my feelings of inadequacies with them about my teaching.

I'm not always organised when teaching either, apparently almost no teachers are always organised. When I'm fairly EF-y, no amount of organisation in advance really helps in the moment of teaching. Though needless to say, I do try and prepare as much as possible in that case. Then there are times when the EF is so bad I can hardly prepare and just have to sort of wing it in the lesson.  Yikes.

No, I wouldn't share feelings of inadequacy with the class, but you can share them on here, as you are doing now. FWIW, I have got feedback before from classes that showed they hadn't even noticed I was in total brain fog while teaching. Just the woman in my class who worked in HR noticed - she was trained to notice. The rest were like "What?? You're stopping teaching mid-year? Why on earth?"

Also people don't come back for the following course or stop in the middle of the course for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with the teacher. That's been my experience over years anyway.

Is there any way for even normal life not to feel like a roller coaster ?

It does get better with healing, honest. The roller coaster doesn't drop so far down, so steeply, and it starts to come up again earlier than it used to.

I hope I haven't written too many 'dumb things' e.g. too practical instead of emotion-based.

[Ecowarrior888]

I am nowhere near being "stable" but I can tell you something I have been working on for the past couple weeks that has helped me a little?

Making a daily routine and I use this app called daylio to track my moods and the "streaks" of these activities within my daily routine. It is very helpful to see any trends in your mood and keep track of your triggers.
So my daily routine basically is composed of coping mechanisms that I use to "treat myself" so for example:

In the morning, I drink my chocolate milk and read.
In the afternoon, shower with music and awesome smelling soap, I workout even if it is a quick 5 minute stretch (try to cook within the workout since it is a huge trigger for me), I sketch/watch tv/write/play uke and then before I go to sleep I do a quick meditation.

I started this recently because this season is extremely triggering from April to July. It is awful >< but see if maybe that helps at all? I really hope you are feeling slightly better but all I can tell you is there are ups and downs. I constantly have doubts about myself, just found out that apparently my way of speaking is hesitant even with my husband which shocked me. I constantly feel worthless and sometimes wish I did not exist BUT! I admit, this daily routine has kind of helped