Support group - a possible narc in sheep's clothing

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Oscen

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Support group - a possible narc in sheep's clothing
« on: April 28, 2019, 11:13:12 PM »
I went to a support group a month ago for survivors of narc abuse and it was amazing.
I went again this month and it was good, but I got a bad vibe off one of the other members.

As we were telling our stories, he often made comments on them (we were free to make comments after they finished, but he made noticeably more than others), which were things like "you need to not demonise the narcissist", "you need to take responsibility for yourself and your part in the relationship", and "I've learned that I need to forgive them for my own sake". He also made sure it be known that he was a therapist, and brought it up often when he made further comments.

I am not sure what other group members thought exactly, but I felt like there were a few big red flags.
All the nice sounding things he said seemed to be empty platitudes, and designed to bring attention to himself, and subtle blame/invalidation to the people sharing.
It was like he wanted to be seen as all healed and thus ready to fix our lives for us - he didn't really make any comments that shared any kind of vulnerability he felt.
I am aware of instances of the "f" word (forgiveness) being used as a form of abuse, to invalidate the understandable anger, hurt and grief of a victim.

I will keep going to the group, although I do hope he won't be there again.
I'm so glad he's not my therapist.

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Three Roses

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Re: Support group - a possible narc in sheep's clothing
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2019, 03:23:53 PM »
Did you let the group leader know about your concerns and reactions? It will be interesting to see if this person comes back again. I'm sorry he was there, he may be a therapist but tbh it sounds like he's not very aware or respectful.  :hug: if you want one.

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Kizzie

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Re: Support group - a possible narc in sheep's clothing
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2019, 03:40:44 PM »
Your group is for survivors so IMO the person needs to take off their T hat and be a survivor. 

We have a guideline here about not giving advice and/or telling others what they should/should not do b/c none of us knows, we can just make suggestions based on our own experience.  Plus for me it's important in a support group to talk to each other rather than at one other. 

Do you have a group leader who could talk to the person?  I've left a few groups b/c of people like this and I lost out much to my regret.  Looking back I wish I or someone would have spoken to the person.

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Oscen

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Re: Support group - a possible narc in sheep's clothing
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2019, 04:47:19 PM »
The group coordinator did actually stop him and say that it wasn't appropriate to tell victims they are responsible for an abuser's actions, particularly in parent-child relationships.

When he used his introduction to talk about how people should forgive the narcs in their lives and not demonise them, I asked him what he wanted to get out of the group, as well. It didn't seem like he was putting much of himself out there but used a lot of airtime to say how other people should be behaving.

During the break, the coordinator and I both caught up for a moment and said we were both glad each other had said what we'd said.
She attempts to screen newcomers to the group and has removed people from the group before for showing questionable behaviour.
I will ask her if anything will happen, and I respect her a lot so I'll still be coming to the group.

Yes, he should have left his "therapist hat" at home in the wardrobe. Our coordinator, who is a survivor herself, is also a counsellor and does a fantastic job of guiding our sessions while giving great information and support, and also opens up about her own experiences. But as a member, it's not necessary to try to be seen as an authority.

I was frustrated by it and wanted to share.

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Kizzie

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Re: Support group - a possible narc in sheep's clothing
« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2019, 06:23:41 PM »
 :thumbup:  it's great that you have a facilitator that does listen and will speak up if need be.   :yes:

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Rainagain

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Re: Support group - a possible narc in sheep's clothing
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2019, 09:45:10 AM »
I'm sorry if this comment is inappropriate but to me this seems like the narc version of the Olympics.

Trying to get away with that behaviour in a room full of experts on narc abuse.

Just floored me to read about it.

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johnram

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Re: Support group - a possible narc in sheep's clothing
« Reply #6 on: May 29, 2019, 12:40:03 PM »
Sorry to hear that experience, and that he made you feel that way.

I was trying to consider what reasonable perspective could this come from, but i struggled.  There are grounds of saying to get away from anger, and move on, forgiveness in that context could make some sense but that isnt what your post reveals.

It sounds like he has a very fixed mindset and his way fits all, i have had an older male therapist who was like that and he was awful, his ego was always in the room. 
Hope they can find a way to remove him.
glad you posted, glad you also spoke to leader