Hypervigilance - I put two and two together and got four!

[Oscen]

Hey there guys, the coordinator at my narc abuse support group read out a fantastic quote on hypervigilance at our last session - I'll put it in the comments.

I'd never really clicked that I am very frequently hypervigilant, because I'd always thought it was associated with threat - like an actual physical threat.
Knowing what some C-PTSD sufferers have been through, it made sense that they were anxiously looking for signs of physical violence, even if where there are none.

However, I realised that it's not just looking for signs of violence but can refer to anticipation of subtle verbal or emotional violence, like being on edge, trying to predict someone else's opinion on something, or anticipating a rebuke.

For years and years, I was like this all the damn time in any social situation!

I realised that as a kid, in social situations and around peers, I was constantly trying to anticipate other people's opinions so I could agree with them.
The concept of healthy disagreement was quite foreign to me, because it simply wasn't tolerated at home.
It meant for many, many years that I just didn't have my own personality, at least not one that I was aware of.
And I think other people noticed I was changing my options to match what was around me, and disliked me for it.
It hurt that with all the effort I was making, people liked me less, and I felt less safe, but at that stage I couldn't risk putting my real self out there - I didn't even know what it was, anyway.

The irony is, I was hypervigilant but with low emotional literacy due to my lack of self-understanding, so I was very attuned to certain things in other people, but unable to interpret them wisely or accurately, fuelling my emotional overdrive.
No wonder social situations have been so exhausting and bewildering!

It's gotten much better in the last 5 years, and particularly in the last 6 months, I've so drastically reduced my social anxiety I feel very different.
The first step has been increasing emotional awareness in myself, and also self-acceptance and self-compassion so that I can deal with the emotions I've just become aware of.

I skyped my M about 2 months ago, and felt on edge all the time. I noticed when I saw myself in the little video, I was very anxious with rigid posture and blank facial expressions. Even my voice was much less expressive than usual. I was unconsciously trying to avoid a verbal attack from my mum for having the "wrong" emotions - i.e., any emotions at all.

I was also trying to anticipate her by not discussing topics or expressing thoughts that I knew she wouldn't like.
It was so exhausting, trying to be two steps ahead in any conversation so I even struggle to think of anything to say right now.

Of course, I always get it wrong somehow and she'll level some little attack against me over something petty.

It'll always be impossible anyway because even if I get the balance perfectly "right", she'll still attack me in some small way, because she just doesn't like to see me free, happy and confident - she doesn't want me to forget who's boss.

Anyway, she didn't even care or notice that I seemed on edge and emotionless. She only cares about her own feelings, and even then, she doesn't take care of herself.
I'm so fed up with feeling horrible when I talk to her.

I just finally realised what was going on there and what the name for it is, and I feel much better about it.

[Oscen]

Here's the quote:

Often when enduring prolonged abuse, the victim learns to assess and anticipate all moods, actions, words, behaviours, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc, in order to stay safe.

This is hypervigilance - the continual need to work people out, in order to protect oneself from further harm, or reduce the harm coming.

This hypervigilance becomes a natural part of the survivor's subconscious need and therefore continues on even when the harm and abuse has ceased.

[Kizzie]

Great quote Oscen, thanks for sharing it     

It's no wonder we're exhausted when we go out. It takes an enormous amount of energy to constant;y be "reading the room" which so many of us do b/c it did keep us safe. 

I skyped my M about 2 months ago, and felt on edge all the time. I noticed when I saw myself in the little video, I was very anxious with rigid posture and blank facial expressions. Even my voice was much less expressive than usual. I was unconsciously trying to avoid a verbal attack from my mum for having the "wrong" emotions - i.e., any emotions at all.

I was also trying to anticipate her by not discussing topics or expressing thoughts that I knew she wouldn't like.
It was so exhausting, trying to be two steps ahead in any conversation so I even struggle to think of anything to say right now. Of course, I always get it wrong somehow and she'll level some little attack against me over something petty.

My M merely had to purse her lips ever so slightly and I knew she was going to go N on me if I didn't defuse/deflect/fawn ....  I am going to our son's convocation this month and will be seeing her and already I am feeling the anxiety of being around her. My H and S know about her NPD and we have ways of managing and deflecting her but it's still draining.

I just finally realised what was going on there and what the name for it is, and I feel much better about it.

Me also. Like you once I realized I was HV here vs anti-social/introverted/whatever, I became much more accepting and understanding of why I do not want to be anywhere near someone with NPD. I am so attuned to N behaviour in terms of facial expressions, body language, tone of voice that I cannot even think. 

While stepping away from someone who has NPD is a rational, healthy thing to do, it's not always possible  so I learned strategies for managing those times better at our sister site Out of the Fog. It's a great resource if you haven't checked it out already.

[Kizzie]

Just received an article in my email from Sundown Healing Arts in which the author Sonia Connolly talks about HV (although she doesn't name it as such):

Many abuse survivors have social anxiety. When the people around us have been a source of harm rather than comfort, we focus on learning how to avoid abuse rather than how to interact in positive ways. It makes sense to feel overwhelmed by people and the intricacies of dealing with them, both individually and in large groups.

In emergency mode, our brains continue to focus on danger rather than connection. Not only did survivors miss learning tools for skillful interaction in the past, but it is physiologically more difficult to read social signals and respond appropriately while terrified in the present.

What is positive and hopeful is that she is a survivor herself and a somatic practitioner and ends the article with this:

As our nervous system heals over time, our window of tolerance widens for minor infractions, and we can intervene more calmly and skillfully for larger issues.

[Not Alone]

  Powerful insights.

[Three Roses]

Great info and insights! Oscen, would it be possible for you to ask for the quote source? I tried looking it up but can't find it. 

[CheshireCanary]

Often when enduring prolonged abuse, the victim learns to assess and anticipate all moods, actions, words, behaviours, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc, in order to stay safe.

This is hypervigilance - the continual need to work people out, in order to protect oneself from further harm, or reduce the harm coming.

This hypervigilance becomes a natural part of the survivor's subconscious need and therefore continues on even when the harm and abuse has ceased.

Thank you for posting this.

[Oscen]

Hi All, thank you for your comments.

Kizzie - thanks for the additional info, especially the hope-giving quote:
"As our nervous system heals over time, our window of tolerance widens for minor infractions, and we can intervene more calmly and skillfully for larger issues."
I can see I'm in the process of this and it's getting better. Even learning the names for HV and social anxiety have been drastic strides in diminishing their power over me.

Three Roses - my narc support group coordinator read this out, but I can't find its exact wording online. I'll ask her.
She's a counsellor, so my guess is it may be a summary of one or more sources, prepared for training purposes.
The wording that she used just hit me, because it's so clear and simple and relevant to my situation.

CheshireCanary - my pleasure. These words just spoke to me so loud and clear, so I wanted to share. Has HV affected you over the years?

[CheshireCanary]

CheshireCanary - my pleasure. These words just spoke to me so loud and clear, so I wanted to share. Has HV affected you over the years?

Yes, it affects me often, just as you described. It takes me longer to respond in conversations with unpleasant people (family members who gaslight, mostly) because I run through what they will most likely say next, how harmless comments from me will be twisted to blame me for something.