Letter to my Mother

[LilyITV]

This is the 10th anniversary of your death.   When I was young, you were my world, my everything.  For ten years, it was just you me and Dad.  Dad was overseas for the first two years of my life, and when he came back, I was terrified of him.  He was a harsh disciplinarian, critical and afraid to show me affection.  But I still had you. 

I remember when you were hospitalized for some sort of serious mental illness.  For whatever reason, you and Dad never felt the need to tell me what the heck was going on.  Did you all think I wasn't scared to death and worried?  I had no idea what was going on.  Why did you talk to me about it?  Why did you leave me to figure this all out by myself?  I am still wondering to this day what was happening.  Anyway, I remember you being in the hospital but what I remember most is when Dad took me to visit you.  I remember the doll you gave me, a simple ratty thing, but I loved it because you made it for me.   I knew you were ashamed for being ill, and I loved you anyway. 

We lived in California and my friends meant a lot to me.  You and Dad didn't have much time for me.  And then one day you and Dad told me we were moving to AL and my world was shattered.  You didn't notice how sad I was.  I cried for the whole 2 day car trip from CA to AL.    My teacher even noticed how sad I was, took me to the side, and hugged me.  You did nothing and you were my mom.  I needed you! 

Then you got pregnant with the son Dad desperately wanted.  You let Dad spend hours trying to play baseball with me,  trying to get me to throw a ball like a boy.  I had no interest in baseball whatsoever, and was never going to be able to throw that ball.  You saw this and you let him do this.

Then after my brother was born.  I was so happy to have a brother.  I wanted to be helpful to you.  I understood you didn't have time for me.  But then one day I guess you were stressed out caring for my baby brother.  When I went outside you couldn't find me and you freaked out.  You slapped me hard on the face.  I was in shock.  I put my hand up to my cheek, speechless for a moment.  I ran to my room.  You came and apologized, but what you don't know is that from that moment, I felt  you didn't love me.  I felt discarded and in your way.  I knew Dad wanted a boy and I was never going to be what he wanted.  I thought you loved me as I was, even though I was incredibly "awkward" looking as a child.  But in that moment after you slapped me in anger, I felt that you didn't love me and that there was something wrong with me.   

After you slapped me, I felt so unlovable, so I decided I needed to stay out of the way.  I went to my room, closed the door and stayed there after school.  When I first went there, I half hoped that you would come after me, find out what was wrong.  But no, you never did.  After a few weeks of my self-banishment in my room, I resigned myself to fact that no, you never did love me.

This went on for two to three years.  You still never showed me any attention.  I was fed and clothed, but you never said a word to me.  Never asked me how my day was.  Never asked me what was wrong.  I went from a girl playiing around you and wanting so much to be helpful to you, to someone who was in my room 24/7, and you didn't notice and didn't seem to care.  I would learn later that you felt like you let me down when I was younger, and was obsessed with making sure my brother's life was perfect.  I think you were trying to explain, but it just made me feel more crappy.  So you messed up with me and so you are going to discard me and start over?  You weren't perfect, but I still loved you.  How could you just leave me like that?

My brother grew older and you became less stressed.  I was now in adolescence.  Had started my period, and I didn't even tell you.  You found out when you found some underwear I had washed out.  I had no idea what was happening to me because you didn't think to explain any of this to me.  I had to figure it out on my own. 

So now you have time and then you ask me, "Kiki, why don't you talk to me?"  I said, "I don't know," but what I was really thinking was, we haven't talked for the last three years, and now, you're just noticing that we're not talking???  Even Dad noticed and tried to talk to me, so the man I was once so terrified of I grew very close to, even though he would often beat me when I committed some offense he felt warranted it. 

I think you realized what you had done, and you spent the rest of your life trying to make amends.  I wanted to reconnect with you.  I still loved you.  But for some reason, it never was how it once was.  I wanted to go back to that time when we were so close, but those feelings never came.  I didn't love you, I didn't hate you, I just felt nothing.  I wanted to love you, but I could never reconnect with those loving feelings.  When I was 16, you wanted to get close to me.  You shared with me that after your Dad died when you were three, you were severely molested from that time until you were about 9.  I said nothing.  I was sad for you, but I couldn't express anything.  Everything was just a void. 

I saw my friends who were so close to my mom and I wanted that.  I couldn't understand why we couldn't have that.  I could never explain to anyone why we didn't really talk even though you tried and tried and tried.

When I met my husband at 33, I felt that me marrying and eventually having children, it would bring us closer.  We would get a chance to work on our relationship with the birth of grandkids.  Instead, you were diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and died 9 months later.  You weren't there for me when I was married.  You never met any of your grandkids.  I have to sit back while my other mom kids have helps from their moms in raising their kids.  Me, again, I am alone in it, with only my husband to rely on. 

I am in therapy now and learning to rejoin the human race.  We talked a lot about Dad and his abuse of me, but when it came to you, I couldn't even get the words out at what happened.  I could see my therapist get concerned. 

What you did has affected me more than you know.  For so long, I have felt sad whenever I think of you.  Your life was so tragic.  But now, on the 10th anniversary of your death, I feel a different emotion--anger.  I loved you so much and you left me.  I can't believe you did that.  I have a daughter now too and can understand some that you were not perfect, but you made me feel like I was less than.  You made me feel like my needs don't matter.  Do you know what that feels like??  How could you?? Now you're conveniently dead and I can't even tell you now how angry I am that you left me when I most needed you. 

I still love you, but you hurt me so badly. 

Love, Kiki

Time passes.  I went through bad relationships.  You wanted grandchildren.  But I was 30 and still was attracting the wrong guy.  I desperately wanted children, so I doubled down and found my husband.  You met him and loved him.  Then I

[Three Roses]

I feel such sadness and empathy for that child, that little girl, wanting only to be loved, to be helpful, to find a place for herself within a family system twisted by mental illness. To feel accepted. Words are inadequate to express the injustice that was done to you. May I offer you a safe  ?

[LilyITV]

Thank you so much ThreeRoses for the kind words to my younger self.  One of the hardest parts about it is that I have difficulty explaining to anyone how I felt as a young child experiencing that.  It feels so good to know someone gets it.