hoping to post more here

[Otillie]

This isn't my first post here; I've posted a little bit before, here and there.

But I wanted to introduce myself because I'm aching to have more time with folks like you in my life.

I posted in a different support group for years, and it was wonderful, and I met people I cared about, still do. Other trauma survivors. But the group changed -- I mean, groups do that, members come and go, it happens -- and I don't feel at home there in the current iteration.

And I've felt the loss. I didn't even realize how much it meant to me to know people whose brains worked like mine does. To not be the weirdest one in the room. Until it was gone.

I've posted here and there on other boards, looking for community. Mistake. It's made me remember why I felt alone until I first met other trauma people.

So here I am, because when I read everyone's posts here, that restless achy flailing "but-there-must-be-someone-who-doesn't-stare-at-me-like-a-space-alien" feeling . . . calms down a little, and I breathe a little, and I don't feel so alone.

So hi! I survived the world's weirdest childhood. My dad abused me sexually, my mom abused me emotionally, both of them neglected me -- Dad was drinking all the time, and Mom had her own apartment where she stayed six days a week. (They couldn't get divorced because neither wanted custody.) Mom's probably an undiagnosed N. She remains in my life, at a distance. Dad died two years ago.

Of the two, I think Mom left more damage.

I'm 59. I've had 30 years of therapy (this July, it will be my 30th anniversary with T! She is "my other mother, the good one," I am unspeakably lucky in her). In the big picture -- well, I'm proud of my life. I love my career. I live alone and work at home. My house is the last one on a dead-end dirt road surrounded by woods. I have (this is sooooo weird, I cannot tell you) a wonderful long-distance relationship of 14 years. (I have never met anyone in a relationship that lasted this long, at least not one where the two people still liked each other.)

In the small picture, the day-to-day: My trauma remains my constant companion. I struggle with moods, with EFs, with misophonia, with anxiety -- with want to belong and being so scared to.

So, um, yeah. Hi.

[Three Roses]

Hi! I can totally relate to that feeling of being a "space alien", which was only relieved by membership here. Oh, I guess I had a couple of friends with whom I felt safe and accepted, but we didn't talk about trauma and its effects. Coming here finally made me realize I am not the freak I thought I was. 

[woodsgnome]

Hi, Otillie. Thanks for the intro, and welcome to OOTS.

Initially, I'd no idea what this forum might be like and/or what it might be able to do per my needs. Well, I found it to be one of the few places where one can dare to discard the mask we wear for so many people who don't (or don't want to) relate to issues that cut to the core of one's life like some on here involve.

You said: "...I want to belong and being so scared to." That echoes my feelings as well; but here I can experiment with getting my feet wet. That's due to feeling safe in knowing that what I do buck up to say will be shared with people of empathy and caring. 

[RiverRabbit]

I can relate... if anyone brings up a rough childhood in open conversation, I end up "taking the floor" and people start to find excuses to exit the conversation.

I am the opposite of the life of the party.

[Not Alone]

Yes, people on this forum "get it" and it is helpful to hear from and talk to others who have similar struggles. When I get time to be on this site, it often feels like a relief; I am with people with whom I can be my messed up self. Welcome!

[Otillie]

Thank you to TR, RR, WG, NA, everyone who's read! It is good to be here. I hope I can give back a little bit.

[Kizzie]

Glad you're choosing to post more Ottilie     It makes sense to take some time to get to know what this board is like given all you've been through   

We do get it here unfortunately, but the fact we do underscores that Complex PTSD is a 'normal' reaction; that is, we all develop the same symptoms so it isn't us, it's what happened to us.  We're not a tribe by choice but still it's good to have one another     

[saylor]

Otillie, it breaks my heart that your parents didn't want you, and that they abused you. Something about what you said really touched me. I have lately come to realize what a massive, massive betrayal it is to be rejected by one's parents. And what a double-whammy it is to have both of them do this...
I used to think that most of my mental health issues were the result of my father's beatings. I still think that plays a significant role, but more and more I recognize that it's the fact that they didn't want me, and treated me accordingly (more of an emotional-trauma thing) that really set me up for all kinds of issues in adulthood. My mother actually admitted to me, late in life (upon my asking), that she hadn't wanted children. It explains so much about her apathy toward us, her lack of putting in any real effort, her willingness to allow our father to keep beating us, etc.. I don't want to go into details here with my own stuff, but I do want to reach out and let you know that I get it. I'm middle-aged, too, and the symptoms seem to be worse than ever. Maybe it's because I'm finally making connections and processing really intensely at this time: Betrayal. No support system. No protective family unit to call my own. Bottomless. Empty. Rejected. Free-floating in space without ground to stand on. I think it has really colored my world.
At any rate, I'm glad you're part of this forum, and I hope you keep posting and sharing with us.
Many hugs, from a soul who understands

[Invisibledaughter]

Otillie,
           Thank you for opening up and sharing with us. I do feel that it helps in the healing process, which always feels never ending. I noticed that your avatar is a cat, do you find a deep connection with animals? I only ask because we have 4 rescue dogs, and I find that they help ground me, and the unconditional love is just the best 💜

            You mentioned that you thought your Mom was a N, I'm assuming you mean Narcissist? If so, I know how that feels. I've felt empty and unloved most of my life. I think not having an emotional bond with parents is just so difficult to get over. Everyone around us has all these positive interactions with parents and it just makes me feel even more alone.

           I guess part of being human is just trying to find where you fit into the puzzle of life. We all deserve to be understood and validated. We are ALL special, even if our parents don't think so.

[Otillie]

Kizzie, saylor, invisibledaughter: Omigosh. Thank you for your replies. Just knowing people "get it" is so powerful.

Kizzie, yes, I think the reason I'm so different from the people around me is because the world I grew up in was so different (and bizarre and upside-down and "Otillie, the sky is green what-is-wrong-with-you!"). As a kid, it felt like my brother and I were the only ones in the house with any connection to reality. How strange it is to grow up and realize people think I'm the one who doesn't make sense.

invisible daughter, all I have to do is read your user name and I already feel a kindred spirit. Yes, my mom is a narcissist, too, or "narc lite" or maybe "a polite narc," because she's articulate and successful and people love her...except her family. I talk to her once a week still and don't think I can go no-contact, really. I so wish I could. I'm terrified she might still eat up my adult life as she moves deeper into old age. She still could.

And oh, animals! They give me hope and respite. Four rescue dogs sounds like heaven and like four strong ropes tying you to the earth. I have two rescue cats, one my soulmate (anxious and humble and eager-to-please), one my opposite (he throws himself into the world with utter abandon; he's my avatar), both of them ridiculous glorious goofball beings. I can't imagine a life without animals surrounding me.

saylor, I am so sorry you know what it is to be unwanted. It's like an open wound that never heals, you know? My big brother has two daughters, now young women, and from the moment they were born I absolutely ached to look at them and know how wanted they were. They're now awesome people...and they don't get me at all, and my brain doesn't know what to do all the feelings it gives me.

Your family sounds a bit like mine (uff da). I think sometimes my mother had an intense need for me to be wrong; to be "just a bad kid." She didn't want a family but she felt guilty for feeling that way. If I was "a bad kid," tho, well, no one could blame her, right? She could still feel like a good person.

I am sorry we're all here and glad we're in it with each other. Hugs to all.

[Kizzie]

my mom is a narcissist, too, or "narc lite" or maybe "a polite narc"

There's a great term I got from our sister site Out of the Fog you might like - "stealth N" which is crazy making (or so I found) b/c on the one hand I knew how I felt around her, and on the other there she was being all mother of the year. I thought it was me then I thought it was her, and back and forth until I landed at Out of the Fog one day.  Such a huge relief when I finally figured out (and accepted - took a while) she was actually abusive and neglectful, she just went about it in a covert way so no-one saw and everyone thought she was a great M.

I think the reason I'm so different from the people around me is because the world I grew up in was so different (and bizarre and upside-down and "Otillie, the sky is green what-is-wrong-with-you!").

It's like the normal and upside down world in Stranger Things.  I don't know if you saw it but for me it's such a good visual representation of what living with a stealth N is like. It was the gaslighting to be sure (so crazy making!!), but also that the reality of how I was treated was upside down from how things appeared - dark and bleak and so frightening.