Running Themes of Gaslighting

[Phoebes]

Having lots of flooding thoughts/processes lately..
I've realized there are lifelong recurring themes that Nm's abuse over was really her fear of someone finding her out. I mean, I guess she is a master of manipulation because I really don't think anyone realizes..

One such these is that of sexuality- specifically her control of my sexuality, and her lack of control of her own.

This started at very early age of controlling what I wear, hairstyles and make-up. Log story short, I TRIED to wear what I wanted, individuate, be me...this was not anything crazy..like no way did I try like a normal teen to wear anything out there. No, this was I wanted to wear jeans and t's, and have straight hair, and choose tennis shoes. And that was just simply a no. No way.

**possible TW***

She would pull my hair and put it in tight, painful hairdos. If I would flench or pull away I would get slapped, or whacked repeatedly with the brush.

If I refused to wear make-up, I was berated and belittled. Once I was raged at and grounded for not wearing makeup to play in a game.

I was picked apart for being sporty, how I walked was monitored and criticized, I was berated for putting my hands in my pocket (told I looked like a dyke. This was when I received an honor roll certificate in 6th grade).

I was forbidden to hang around with certain friends Nm deemed too boyish. One of which has been a life long friend. I was a tomboy and loved "boy" things. But was kept from doing them or pursuing, like I wanted a skateboard and to go to the skate park. And was very harshly told if I asked again I would regret it.

Ok, so, as soon as I left home, a new person appears in Nm's life. A "friend". My mom was super giddy and weird acting and my instinct told me she was in love with this person. My Nm left my dad for this person who promptly moved in to our house. SHE was near MY AGE, a masculine coach. Someone who did ALL THE THINGS I had been berated, belittled and punished for my whole life. Walk, talk, act, play sports, etc..Nm was with her for many years.

Now, I am not gay. I am not super-feminine, and I have many gay friends. I always did, and I NEVER judge that about my Nm's relationship. I wanted to show her that I was supportive of her relationship. Never mind I didn't feel I had the right to have any feelings about my parent's divorce or how she treated my dad.

There were many occasions where someone I knew would ask my why I didn't come here or there. I was very confused, but later realized there had been parties, and my Nm was told to invite me, which she never did. Not that I would want to go, but at the time, I didn't realize she was not inviting me, and then just telling MY friends I couldn't go. Friends who she had forbidden me to run around with earlier in life who were in the sports profession with Nm's GF. 

In the last straw conversation before NC, she brought up and projected onto me that she "bets I had a problem that she was with women." At the time I was befuddled at where this was coming from. It was part of her erasing my life and my experiences. She gaslighted me, TRIED to manipulate me into questioning my experiences and feelings about things.

This after she threatened me to keep her "secrets" when she got remarried to a man. I asked her how he felt about the last many years of her relationships and she said "oh I haven't told him and you aren't going to either. If he knew he wouldn't marry me!" I told her that was the same as lying to which she of course raged back and told me if I told I would regret it.

This is just one of the many recurring threads and themes that I've been projected onto and gaslighted over. Now the "new" step-D has not a clue of anything, and has believed my Nm's smear campaign without even a question. Thinks I'm a crazy horrible daughter for abandoning my loving M for no reason at all.

[Kizzie]

This is just one of the many recurring threads and themes that I've been projected onto and gaslighted over. Now the "new" step-D has not a clue of anything, and has believed my Nm's smear campaign without even a question. Thinks I'm a crazy horrible daughter for abandoning my loving M for no reason at all.

OMG Phoebes, my heart goes out to you - people believing your M's smears without question is yet another layer of trauma on top of your M's gaslighting and abuse. I am so sorry you are being subjected to this. 

FWIW I've come to see that people who criticize their kids and those who believe them outright are not people i want in my life b/c they are not healthy. Nowadays anyone who has ever talked smack to me about their children (or anyone for that matter) causes a huge red flag to pop that makes me question them and their motives. 

I guess what I'm saying is that as unfair and wrong as it is it says more about them than you to the kind of people we need in our lives, healthy, compassionate and thinking people.  Leave the rest behind if you can. 

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Kizzie!

Yeah, it took me a while to get there, but I totally agree with you. I really liked this man, and enjoyed him being in our lives. I still think he is a caring person and a good dad to his kids, to his credit.

But, he was fooled by my Nm, and now he is again. He was married to an N before, too, come to find out, and apparently he's just never done the work to recognize it. It really hurt at first and I felt like I unexpectedly had to grieve HIM being in my life too. He was good to me for several years, but he wrote me a very nasty letter two weeks after I had not responded to my mom. Happened to include mother's day so he basically told me what a lowest of the low piece of crap I am, and how he always thought I was "alright" until now. Gee. Wow.

I am actually glad he's with her. Takes the pressure off me. But yes, he clearly hasn't seen her little slights, put-downs, dropping little tidbits of negativity about me all along the way. I've seen him taken aback by a few shockingly callous things she said to me, but I guess he still doesn't see the whole picture or think it's reason I should not come running back for more.

[ellachimera]

Wow, that should be confusing and weird for you to have experienced, painful as well, but I am glad your critical thinking about all of this hasn't been swayed, that you see your M for what she is and all.

I am also glad you managed to cut contact. That is great. I am on this forum trying to learn from people how they did it, since I need to do this myself, should've done it years ago but didn't and now....well, I am spending my time on this forum instead of enjoying my family so I can void feeling as bad as I do about my last talk with her.

[Phoebes]

Ella, going NC was the most excruciating, and BEST thing I have ever done for myself. I didn't realize how excruciating it would be, because of the FOG. I knew in my heart so many times (since early teens) I needed to get away, but at the same time never even considered I had a choice to break away or be NC for the betterment of my life.

As was when I was a child, I could not go against her, so I just collapsed into agreeability and going along to get along. I was i constant freeze/fawn state. Every visit, holiday and occasion was marked with some form of invalidation, put-downs, verbal attacks, covert emotional abuse, and I would leave confused and hurt. Then give it time and distance to build up strength for the next holiday, visit or occasion. Hope for change, for her to see me, things to improve.

BUT, after the LAST conversation. The straw that broke the camel's back. It was so hurtful, and so proving of how nothing had nor would ever change, I considered trying to talk about it, forgiving and trying again (as always), giving it time and seeing if with stronger boundaries I could "handle" the relationship better. But, after the things she said, and more importantly the truths they revealed about my mother's feelings toward, me, I just couldn't with any shred of self-respect go back to what it was. There was no going back.

And to her, she was befuddled as to what happened. She didn't feel a thing about it. That was normal to her. Her right as my mother. Same as always.

There's no easy way. But, as much as I was tempted to answer some of the early attempts at hoovering (before I blocked # and email), I stayed the course, and after learning more and all that I have, I'm SO glad I didn't respond. She never heard me before, and won't now. She just wants to control THAT I respond. Doesn't give a lick about what I feel. I feel a lot more dignity and strength now in not ever going back to being treated the way I was being treated. It was so hard to break that trauma bond (learned what that was, too) but as hard as the process of healing can be, I don't regret going NC for one minute.

[ellachimera]

Phoebes, thank you for telling me that. I really needed this kind of encouragement to do it from someone who is on the other side, but deiem, it's so hard. I am literally counting the seconds whenever I am aware of myself and it's silent enough to hear the clock on the wall. It's a weird feeling to describe, as I am never looking forward to talking to her, but now I am sure that you will know what I mean by it.

[Phoebes]

Oh yes, I think so many of us on here know this too well. It's why we're all here! Most people "out there" don't understand (be careful who you share with). But here is a safe place, and those who have experienced every corner, nook and cranny of what leads us to feel we have no other choice but to be NC.

[Kizzie]

Ella, going NC was the most excruciating, and BEST thing I have ever done for myself. I didn't realize how excruciating it would be, because of the FOG. I knew in my heart so many times (since early teens) I needed to get away, but at the same time never even considered I had a choice to break away or be NC for the betterment of my life.

As was when I was a child, I could not go against her, so I just collapsed into agreeability and going along to get along. I was i constant freeze/fawn state. Every visit, holiday and occasion was marked with some form of invalidation, put-downs, verbal attacks, covert emotional abuse, and I would leave confused and hurt. Then give it time and distance to build up strength for the next holiday, visit or occasion. Hope for change, for her to see me, things to improve.

BUT, after the LAST conversation. The straw that broke the camel's back. It was so hurtful, and so proving of how nothing had nor would ever change, I considered trying to talk about it, forgiving and trying again (as always), giving it time and seeing if with stronger boundaries I could "handle" the relationship better. But, after the things she said, and more importantly the truths they revealed about my mother's feelings toward, me, I just couldn't with any shred of self-respect go back to what it was. There was no going back.

And to her, she was befuddled as to what happened. She didn't feel a thing about it. That was normal to her. Her right as my mother. Same as always.

There's no easy way. But, as much as I was tempted to answer some of the early attempts at hoovering (before I blocked # and email), I stayed the course, and after learning more and all that I have, I'm SO glad I didn't respond. She never heard me before, and won't now. She just wants to control THAT I respond. Doesn't give a lick about what I feel. I feel a lot more dignity and strength now in not ever going back to being treated the way I was being treated. It was so hard to break that trauma bond (learned what that was, too) but as hard as the process of healing can be, I don't regret going NC for one minute.

Wow Phoebes, this is so powerful and undoubtedly will help many in the same position.  All of what you wrote is what I went through too (trying and trying then realizing she didn't get it, never would and I would have to go LC or NC). It's helpful to hear from others who survived breaking the bond, and to see there can be a path out of the misery and damage caused by a parent with NPD who will never change. 

So sorry the man who took your M at her word and reacted with a smack down was someone you liked.  It's yet another loss even if it is someone who isn't the healthiest person to have in our lives.