Help needed, contemplating going NC

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Help needed, contemplating going NC
« on: May 05, 2019, 12:49:22 AM »
I had some intense therapy about a year ago. I felt my life was just spiraling and really couldnít figure out why. Iím not depressed, and had been misdiagnosed as bipolar back in my twenties, Iím now 44.
I guess I just really wanted to know why I was different from everyone I know.

I was able to peel back the layers of my life to realize that Iím not the ďproblemĒ. Iíve lived my whole life trying to please my Narcissistic mother. While that may sound harmless, itís made me very unhappy and now Iím dealing with Complex ptsd.

Iím very fortunate to have found a therapist who has been able to help me reach this conclusion. Itís just awful to feel unloved and invisible by a parent. Iím going to start seeing my therapist again.

Iím tired of being on the hamster wheel of ďwhyĒ this has happened to me. I seriously want to heal and just find happiness in my life.

I need some advice from those who have gone NC. Every time I have some little interaction with her it just sends me spiraling down. Itís definitely a trigger and I get sucked into a black hole of thinking of all the emotional abuse.

I am an only child, so I tend to give myself guilt about the whole NC thing.

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ellachimera

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Re: Help needed, contemplating going NC
« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2019, 08:44:21 AM »
Hello,

I came here to discuss this, being new to the forum I might as well start posting by replying to you, since I am going through the same conundrum.

You said you wanted to hear from people who went no contact. I want to say I am one of them, as I did go no contact...several times. But it never worked out for me, either because of my social isolation, my addiction to triggers, the fact that my mother and tormentor currently has cancer and I keep irrationally hoping she will go out of her old ways at least before dying or simply because I feel a lot of misplaced love for the person who directly caused most of my inadequacies and trauma.

I will give you the piece of advice that I got the last time my interaction with her triggered me, something that opened my eyes and made me gather up my courage and block all the contact from her and her side of the family yesterday (she has a tendency to play victim and manipulate,  people who believe her will gulttrip me into talking to her, only for her to say mean and vile stuff that trigger me and send me into a downwards spiral my own family needs to buckle up for, every single time):

 "Think about the people around you, the people you care for. Does all this triggering affect your relationship with them? Does this prevent you from having a balanced life? It takes a lot of willpower and motivation to get out of the cycle of abuse. You have that willpower, you prove it every day by doing your best to have a rounded, fulfilling life of your own. Use that willpower. If not exclusively for you, then for the people you love and who actually love you in a healthy way. You need this."

I don't know much about you yet, I am not sure what stops you from going NC, but it sounds like you are getting hurt by these interactions and the fact that this is your mother, who you have a natural and undeniable connection to - only serves to make you more vulnerable to her narcissim. Most people say that parents are intangible and you should love and respect them, especially when they are old. Truth of the matter is, if they do not create stability and offer healthy interactions, they are the ones who can cause the worst harm because of the reminiscence of the parent-child relationship, because they are older and naturally more adapt in their ways of manipulation and because some of them can and will choose to use all the experience they have to perpetually "change" you, so you can fit their needs, sometimes completely or partially ignoring your own needs as an adult, which causes harm and lack of balance in your life.

It all depends on your choices of course, but if you choose to do this, let me know how it's going. For me it's painful and hard for now, I am looking forward to a calmer period of time, when I will feel liberated by my choice and my ability to finally stick to it.

All the best!

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: Help needed, contemplating going NC
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2019, 10:09:12 AM »
Hi invisible daughter thank u for sharing with courage.. My story is so similar.
Emotional abuse is vial and I know my m is very unwell.. Can't process her emotions and projects out. The invisibility that was me and who I was and how that had impact on me.
I went NC some 20 years ago and then went back. It seemed different for a while and it was but over some mths escalated and was worse than ever. I left and went NC and its been 10 yrs now. It was the best decision I ever made and I've been able to start properly healing and finding out who I am and develop love and self compassion. At first it was hard and I grieved... In time it got easier and now its pretty easy. I needed to let go and have worked with a lot of anger in therapy... Anger I'm sure is still there but I do work more with forgiveness and wishing her well...
Unfort she never felt like a m and she never will... I now am my own mother.
In terms of guilt I know people feel that I don't and never have. I think working through the sense of responsibility we can feel towards our parents and the role of being 'parentified' (someone said there is a book on this how we get conditioned to be in the parent role) is helpful. Both my parents are big enough, loud enough and powerful enough to look after themselves... As I let go more I gain more of me yippee :) I really like uncovering more of myself for the good....

Best wishes on the next stage of recovery... Carving out what we need is so important letting go of parents isn't a choice most need to make and remembering it may just be a decision for now who knows what the future will bring

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Three Roses

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Re: Help needed, contemplating going NC
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2019, 04:00:13 PM »
Quote
Iíve lived my whole life trying to please my Narcissistic mother. While that may sound harmless....

First, please let me say, that does not sound harmless at all. Those of us with parents like your m know it is painful (almost beyond expressing), challenging, and damaging to have a parent with self-absorbed, narcissistic tendencies.

I was VLC with my parents until they died. But after they passed I went NC with my sibling (I refuse to call him "brother" as he does not fit any of the definition besides the fact that we share genetic info). The way it happened was natural, as we both just gradually pulled away from each other. My husband and I moved and changed phone numbers, and several more years passed. I felt happy and confident that I would not hear from him. The only people we had in common were cousins, and I had told them not to give my sibling any contact information, although I only told one of them why.

Thirteen years passed. Then one day, I think last summer, my sibling left a voice mail! Without calling him back first, I contacted my cousins, who admitted giving him my phone number. I was very angry with them and opened up to them, telling them the years of abuse I'd had from him, and many of the details.

I'm sorry I seem to be going on, but here is what I wanted to say: I feel better about this level of NC than I did about the former. The "accidental" NC gave me an illusion of safety, but none of the feeling of personal empowerment that I've gained since calling my sibling and formally going NC. It wasn't an easy conversation and I was bummed for a few days but I'm proud of myself, and have a feeling of strength and accomplishment that I did not have before.

Hope this info is helpful and gives you clarity about how you should proceed. Best of luck with this!