Introduction - hello everyone

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ellachimera

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Introduction - hello everyone
« on: May 05, 2019, 09:18:11 AM »
Hello,

I am coming to this forum with a sense of hope to belong. I was misdiagnosed a number of times over the course of years, almost half an year ago a professional advanced the idea that I might be simply suffering from cptsd, a diagnosis I had never heard of before. I looked it up, saw that it wasn't included (yet) in the DSM-V, which is probably why I didn't know about its existence. And then I learnt about the symptoms and was taken aback by the clear similarity with what I was experiencing. Sure, I do have a mental illness I need to treat with medication, but the all-engulfing pain that gets triggered most time I talk to the perpetrators of my childhood trauma and abuse - it's not depression. I function normally, I can do most activities that make me a highly functonal adult. I have a family of my own, a full-time job in a competitive and difficult area of expertise.

However I am otherwise socially isolated for the most part, I get triggered easily into bouts of emotional distress - without being depressive, remembering trauma - mostly after being triggered by the main perpetrator, my mother, I have trust issues, miplaced ideas about love and being loved, bouts of unhealthy, irrational thinking even though I normally value logic and rationality - after having been raised in a fundamentalist environment by my only parent. Also, there's the anger. To say that I am angry for what happened to me would be an understatement. I am furious, and for now unable to channel that so as it doesn't affect my loved ones, even if indirectly.

It took me a long while to even understand that what I was taught to be love was not, I am only starting to value stability and be able to have a conversation without getting defensive and hurt by things that resonate with past traumatic events.

I think I am evil, I sometimes blame myself for the things that happened to me and I am encouraged to feel that way by the mere perpetrators of that abuse. Well, I don't have a beautiful personality, that is for sure, but I have to keep in mind that I am not a monster (even if I feel like one) I am just someone who has a lot of emotional scars and bleeding wounds - if that makes me ugly inside well, at least I was lucky enough to be loved by someone who could see past the trauma and realize I had the ambition and just enough inteligence to fight this. And I can't be more thankful for my partner's patience, help and love. Also for the long talks that brought me where I am today, on my path to healing.

I am in my middle thirties and I am just getting the hang of adulthood, while raising my own little ones. I need support, but none of my acquaintances would understand what I am going through, and while my partner educates himself about it and is very helpful, it becomes obvious sometimes that he cannot relate.

I hope to be able to belong here and get part of the support I need, while offering the same to the best of my abilities.

Thank you.

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Kizzie

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Re: Introduction - hello everyone
« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2019, 04:03:01 PM »
Welcome to OOTS Ellachimera  :heythere:   

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I hope to be able to belong here and get part of the support I need, while offering the same to the best of my abilities.

I hope you find what you're looking for here, it does help to have peers to talk to with no fear anyone will see you as evil or a monster.  If we had a motto it would be "It's not you, it's what happened to you" (Dr. Christine Courtois).

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notalone

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Re: Introduction - hello everyone
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2019, 10:26:13 PM »
Welcome.

Re: Introduction - hello everyone
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2019, 01:19:51 AM »
Hello ellachimera
                          Iím in the same boat, I just found out I had C-PTSD last year. Now Iím working on trying to avoid triggers so Iím not spiraling out of control. My Mom has NPD so at this point any dealings I have with her have been triggering me. Then my inner critic starts by making me feel guilty for wanting nothing to do with her.

                          I was also misdiagnosed in my 20ís as bipolar & depressed, when I was neither. I spent most of my life not really knowing what was wrong, but feeling empty & unloved.

                          Iím also new to OOTS, but find that reading others posts have helped me so much. I see so much courage on here. I hope it helps you too. You belong here with us 💜

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Three Roses

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Re: Introduction - hello everyone
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2019, 04:12:40 PM »
Welcome! Thanks for joining.  :wave: