Ellachimera's recovery journey

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ellachimera

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Ellachimera's recovery journey
« on: May 06, 2019, 12:08:32 PM »
So. Here I go.

I wrote a long, letter-like message to my mother, telling her I am finally going NC for good. I tried to make it as kind as possible, she after all did say she was sorry about the bits and pieces of her behaviour she understands were hurtful and traumatic. She can't possibly understand the whole picture and she still uses the triggers she set up in me as a child in trying to manipulate and "change" me in order to better fit her needs. So I needed to let go. She is suffering from slowly but steadily advancing cancer that she refuses to treat and I feel that 1. She is creating unbalance in my life still, triggering me into downwards spirals of derealisstion and fog and 2. It's not fair even to her to keep talking to her right now, as she is an old dying woman and I am her victim, I can't change that nor will she do it and, meeting with the constant wall of cruelty, manipulation and gaslighting she throws between us, I will never have that conversation that I was hoping for, the heartfelt one, where she would show sincere feelings any human being might have. I mean, we lamost did once but she went back and retracted every meaningful thing she said, openly or not. As a result of all of this, I can become defensive and I am doing this dying woman no good, while I am myself becoming vulnerable and unstable.

I also had to forget about the idea that my older borther, who absued me sexually as a teen, and I might make amends. I forgive him since he said he was sorry multiple times, but at the same time his involvement in my later life was so dangerous for my freedom and my firstborn that I need to stay away from him. He tried to use my mental health problems to remove my signature rights and put me in my mother's care right after my first son was born, my husband found out from my doctor and managed to leave a paper trail to avoid this from happening. It's incredible and I found it hard to come to terms with the fact that it happened, I wanted to hear him admit it but he didn't really speak to me after that, so I had to trust my gynecologist's words and my husband's. I am ashamed to admit it, but it was hard to admit that if two different people say so, then the person who already had been my abuser could not be innocent of it.

I also had to write a shorter but still long letter-like message to my "baby" brother, as historically  my weakness for him was used to drag me back into the whirl of my mother's manipulation. I have said some things while manic about my childhood to his father, that were used against his mom and he was rightfully upset at me, because the way they were said to him was hurtful and I exposed him to this pain, even if I didn't want to. His father, my mom's ex-husband, and his family are a nice piece of work as well, putting my brother between them and my mother. But yeah, I was guilty as I should've known this would happen and not act out my own pain in front of my step-dad and his family. And I estranged my brother as well, after a lifetime of his where my love for him was used as a way of manipulating both of us and we were kept apart anyway the rest of the time, for reasons that are as sick as the whole dynamic in that family is. So I said goodbye to him as well, to get bith of us out of that circle of abuse and misuse of our respective gullability. And that, my friends, really saddens me.

I am leaving my past behind, trying to deal with my present after-effects of the trauma and no longer add any gratuituous instability in my life and those of the ones I love.

This is my journal of how it goes.


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Otillie

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Re: Ellachimera's recovery journey
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2019, 03:02:13 PM »
ellachimera, that is huge. Congratulations, and go you! Saying no can be the hardest, most brutal task in the world. When I've managed to do it, the weirdest part was figuring out how to feel: proud of myself? ashamed of myself? sad? happy? all of the above? But you did an amazing, important thing. I'll be watching how it goes for you, and hoping your family respects you, and hoping you find healing and freedom.

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Three Roses

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Re: Ellachimera's recovery journey
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2019, 03:12:11 PM »
You write with power and clarity, and great insight. I'm excited to see what the future holds for you.
 :heythere:

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ellachimera

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Re: Ellachimera's recovery journey
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2019, 03:51:03 PM »
Thank you, Otillie, really appreciate your insight. One of the reasons why I started frantically posting here was to get the courage to do it. I tried it before, but I guess I wasn't ready or serious about it, this is the first time that this was exclusively my decision and I am also documenting the process. I wasn't pushed into it but actually realised I need this, and did what it took to get myself ready.

Three Roses, thank you very mich, I am actually very frustrated at my style of writing. I feel I am unstructured and self-centered, overall uninteresting and hard to read.

Maybe I should stick to journals and forums, as this is the only thing that I seem to get somewhat right, or I hope I am getting it right, judging by your comment.  :)
« Last Edit: May 06, 2019, 10:13:10 PM by ellachimera »

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Three Roses

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Re: Ellachimera's recovery journey
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2019, 04:02:13 PM »
I respectfully disagree, in my opinion all of your writing is engaging, insightful and easy to read. I just don't respond to everything unless I feel strong and clear-headed enough. 😉

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ellachimera

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Re: Ellachimera's recovery journey
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2019, 09:54:29 PM »
Day one is coming to an end. It hurt like *, I spend the day writing here and re-reading on and on the "letters" I've sent, until they  started to sound to me a bit like suicide notes.

I ended the day reading a few pages of a former friend's book about her teenage and youth, drug abuse, abandonment and a paedophile policeman I actually met while she and I were studying. The guy was in the organized crime department, of all things, married and had been grooming her since she was 17. I stalked her a bit, I don't know why, apparently she left our goddamn country as well, to go to the Netherlands.

I almost wrote to our common former lover to tell her she had been wrong: no one ghost authored my former friend's book, she wrote it herself, I could recognize every dent in her style, every imperfection or cliche, every beautifully written nothing and her deep, intricate trauma was shouted in her own words, a bit rough and extremely vivid.

I am not in the present I am not in the present, I am not in the present. My husband tries to involve me in an actually intelligent subject or other. I look at him with empty eyes, barely reacting. I know it pains him to see me like this. I also know I will be better soon. I have to be.

I will never talk to my M. I am starting to feel like I am missing her warmth - have to remind myself it was never there. Her intelligence - I have to remind myself it was never used for anything actually useful for herself or for anyone else. Her advice - it was never useful or well-intended or not manipulative.

I am listening to a show that happens to be about corruption in my country of origin, the same corruption that made us, all of us, become immigrants. My husband plays it. It resounds in my head weirdly, like a reminder of who I am and where I come from, what I am running from and trying to protect my family from as well.

People lying, using a lot of words to hide the truth about how they steal everything from an already impoverished country. Using words to deflect every question about the illegal activities they are committing.

The same kind of discourse I was hearing in my family of origin: deflecting responsibility, answering with questions, being brutal and dismissive whenever I was trying to hold her accountable for anything she did, even if it was right there, under our eyes, or happened five minutes ago.

Everything is triggerring.

I should go to sleep.

Good night, wherever you are and wherever you come from!

« Last Edit: May 06, 2019, 09:57:07 PM by ellachimera »

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ellachimera

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Re: Ellachimera's recovery journey
« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2019, 12:09:20 PM »
Stage two: guilt.

I feel so guilty for having put my family through my absence while I was there though, that I continued to talk to M even though I should have known by now that I was going to be triggered and experience all these qeird symptoms of what is, basically, dissociation.

I can friggin do this. I can. I'm at work and haven't done much since I started, luckily nothing is very urgent though.

I need to get myself together.

I talked with my husband until late at night, his inevitable pain at seeing me like this at least found a means of expression. I got to say I'm sorry for it. But sorry doesn't quite cut it.

My decisions have affected my family. Why did I make the only right decision so very late? Why am I so gullible and weak?

Someone on here used a quote, something like "it's not you, it's what was done to you." Well, I am looking forward to the day it's me. The day I will be me, accountable for the things I do and satisfied with most of my choices, able to protect the ones I love.

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ellachimera

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Re: Ellachimera's recovery journey
« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2019, 08:39:58 AM »
Stage three was anger: anger at myself first, for putting my family through this while i could've gone NC a long time ago. Then anger at my FOO for, well, being a screwed up bunch of people and getting out the worst in me instead of giving me care and education. Anger at my M for being the horrible person she is. I can fight it, so I find no more excuses for her now. She had a * upbringing, okay, there's no excuse for living as log as she did and not realising she was doing harm herself. She is still doing it, luckily I woke up and I am , hopefully, out of harm's way.

Now, acceptance. I am what I am, I have a loving family around me and I can heal and help this family of mine grow. It's all good. I have a good job, my manager is supportive and all, I will do my best to not dissapoint him. A shadow of pain is still lingering, but I am pretty much baseline today and I can build a better day for myself and for my closest ones. I can build a better future.

I will be free.