Attending Pity Party of 1

[Ecowarrior888]

So got passed for a promotion today due to receiving an "improvement plan" that was given to me after disclosing my diagnosis to my 2 supervisors after a family crisis that was a month long. I was told I wasn't promoted due to this "improvement plan" that everyone I have shown that has worked with me doesn't sound like it is for me...So here are a couple images that just show how I feel right now.... I drew these when I first received this improvement plan.... at the same time of my family crisis...

I feel so alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this that would understand how truly unfair this is. Everyone I tell say it is unfair, but it isn't just that. It is also so triggering because I have to keep my poker face on again. I finally recovered to the point where I felt like I did not have to hide my feelings, where I can advocate for those under my care and their wellbeing. I was starting to be assertive when this "improvement plan" says otherwise....

I am really down right now

[Ecowarrior888]

For whatever reason the images are not loading....
Just not my day today, I'll try again tomorrow.

[Three Roses]

  it's really hard when you feel like you're all alone, and feeling like you're going "backwards". But, the journey of our healing is not a straight line; it's a twisting, winding path that sometimes doubles back on itself.

Please keep us updated, we care about you.

[Ecowarrior888]

So I have kind of picked myself back up. Went to visit another zoo, and went birdwatching with a friend. It is amazing how just seeing wildlife, for me, just puts everything back into perspective. Yes, I did not get the promotion. That hurt and it sucks. Completely unfair but I feel that maybe for right now, it is for the best. I would be on probation for a year....again. And maybe for mental health, it is better that I don't deal with that right now. Especially if I have a supervisor at the moment that has it out for me. At the moment I will just focus on my animals and their wellbeing. I am happy for my friends, and I know they will continue to encourage me to voice my opinion and advocate for the animals under my care.

For whatever reason, the pictures of these particular sketches would not go through but I found another way I can have y'all view them:

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/2333.html

[Kizzie]

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better Eco, it's a hard pill to swallow to be sure.  FWIW IMO it's not self-pity but an  honest reaction to a(nother) loss that comes from trauma and having CPTSD

Re your sketches - they may have been too big so try resizing them and see if that works.

[Ecowarrior888]

I will try to resize in the future. Thanks Kizzie

Yeah, definitely disheartening when it comes to being judged by my symptoms not thinking im capable of doing my job. Which is NOT the case at all. If anything, one of my coworkers said because I am hypervigilant and overly empathetic I am a better trainer because my sessions are catered to an individual not a species. I trained 6 medical behaviors that might've saved one of my charges life within a year; mind you, this animal is deaf and developmentally delayed. I've been told that I speak hesitantly, carefully measuring my words and tone.... And that could be why people don't take me seriously. Appears like I have no self-confidence.

[Not Alone]

Powerful drawings. Thank you for sharing those.

[Ecowarrior888]

Hello Ecowarrior,

This post reminds me of the different linguistic styles of men and women in the workplace. I'm currently in college, and I was intrigued and surprised to see the differences laid out in black and white on the page. Much of what you refer to falls into stereotyped interpretations; I'll list them here:

Activity:                                                     Female Style:                                                            Male Style:
giving orders                                          indirect (please get me)                                         direct (you need to)
owning mistakes                                   direct acknowledgement and apology                indirect (there was a problem)
pronoun use                                          inclusive (we, our)                                                    1st or 3rd person (I, he she, they)
power dynamics                          relationally oriented, face-saving, uses requests         self-oriented, more assertive, less questions
use of apology                                       ritual for comforting, (I'm sorry you've felt...)      consider it a one-down position
feedback                                                 positive praise before criticism                              criticism alone
compliments                                           used as ritual exchange                                        seen in isolation, not part of ritual exchange
arguments                                               argument=position, adversarial                          used to test strengths and weaknesses of a position, ritual
authority/confidence                             self-effacing socialization                                      close distance for power brokers, audience for strengths

As a result, men believe:
women are unable to exercise authority, assume leadership or appear competent. Catch -22, if they adopt the male linguistic style, they are seen as "bitchy or pushy"
As a result, women believe:
men are too direct and self-serving, If they adopt more female linguistic styles, they are seen as indecisive or overly sensitive

It's a trial to figure out the best way to conduct yourself in the workplace because of the culture's preference and acceptance of male oriented styles. I wanted to bring another perspective to you here, so you could perhaps see this as not entirely personal. There is bias involved and when it affects our jobs it's especially painful. I've sorry you've been caught in it.

Thanks so much makes me feel like its not just me. But gah so frustrating

[Ecowarrior888]

And no problem notalone. Im trying, havent been able to sketch much this week

[bluepalm]

Those are powerful drawings Ecowarrior888 - especially the alone figure in the pill casing. I don't know if it would help you feel less alone in your current work frustrations, but in my past I experienced a situation where a group of my male colleagues went to consult a senior man with whom I'd been working to ask his assessment of my suitability for a big promotion. All he said to them was "I've seen her tearful" and, in silence, the group rose up as one and left his room and my promotion was denied. I learnt this later from one of the men in that silent group. As it happens that senior man had 'heard' me tearful on the phone in a situation of acute stress. He had not actually 'seen' me tearful. But women and tears are a toxic combination for men in the workplace it seems.