Deep Blue’s progression not perfection journal

[Deep Blue]

A dear forum friend wrote to me about striving for progression not perfection.  I think that is excellent! So I decided to make it the title of my new journal.

I have summer coming up and will hopefully be able to give myself more of the healing time I need.  I need to be better to my body... I've really packed on the pounds since this past August. I think a fitness plan is order once I'm out of school for the summer.

I also plan on really working on my mental health.  I'm starting to get into some of the scarier trauma work.  Some memories are so visceral that even now I don't want to write, talk about or deal with them.  Maybe once summer comes I can be more brave??

My plan is, if I tackle this stuff over the summer then I will be free more often to make a followup appointment if I feel like I'm slipping or derailing.

Cheers to progression

[MoonBeam]

Love your journal title Deep Blue. Very inspiring. I'm glad you'll have some breathing room soon, time when you might feel more resourced. Time for caring for you! 

Cheers to progression, to bravery, to healing and to you! 

[Three Roses]

Love it!   

[Blueberry]

  Progression not perfection  I love it too!

[Not Alone]

Supporting you in your progression. 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
I have just seen your new Journal name, and I think it's a really great name and I would also like to support you on the road to progression not perfection.   
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Wow my head is spinning from today...

Today was the last day for seniors.  They walk around and say goodbye and take pics with their teachers.  It was great... but... I have a student who is one of my aides.  I partly have him aide for me so I can keep an eye on him.

*** TW... mention of Suicide


This boy made an attempt on his life earlier this year. He was placed in a partial hospitalization program and worked his way back to school.  He's such a bright boy and we have a good relationship. He seems to be doing much better... well until today...
*** end trigger warning***

He came up to my room and asked to go to the clinic.. I could read on his face he wasn't doing well.  I sent him down there and then went down later to check on him.  He wasn't sick but had called his dad and asked to go home. 

My gut is telling me something is wrong. I hope he will be ok and won't hurt himself.  Now I'll be worried about him all weekend.  I called home to try to ease my mind and talked briefly to mom but yeah... ugh I hate this feeling.

And my day didn't end there!!!! My boss called me in and needs me to teach a new class next year.  One of my biggest triggers is feeling that I don't have control over things.  It makes me feel powerless... so now I'm reeling    I'm basically being pushed into teaching something new, taking additional coursework this summer and did I mention a coworker will be moved buildings because of it???!!! My coworker is taking classes with the belief she will be teaching the class next year that they just gave me... I feel like I've stabbed my coworker in the back 

[MoonBeam]

Hi Deep Blue, Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and I hope you get some clarity on the new class and what that process is going to look like.  Also, I hope your student is hanging in and they are ok.  And that you are doing ok too.

[Deep Blue]

Update:
My student is ok.  He was worried over the weekend that he would hurt himself so he and his parents got him back in the hospital for the weekend.  He had been in a partial hospitalization program for a couple months in the fall.

He thanked me for calling and checking in on him.  He's was doing much better today and said he just needs to remember to put his mental health as a priority.  I'm so relieved he is safe.

Thanks so much MoonBeam,
No clarity about the new class yet but am hoping to hear by this Friday 🤞
———————————
****TW: flashback of PA


I had a heck of a time in therapy today.  I couldn't say the word... I'm worried I'm regressing a bit.  I'm stuck again and can't say the b word.  I had a major flashback and massive panic attack last Wednesday about being hit with a b—-.  When it was over I realized I was curled up on the floor... yeah... it really knocked it out of me.

** end trigger warning***
my T pushed me today and I wasn't able to say the word but I wrote out some of what I wanted to say.  I wish I could have done more 

Terrified I won't sleep tonight.  Goodnight forum 🌙

[Three Roses]

 

[Jdog]

Sweet Deep Blue-

I've just now read your posts from last week and today.  You are going through such a lot, both in relationships with coworkers and students and within your own self.  I am holding you in my heart and sending wishes for clarity and for the ability to take small steps, not big ones.  You have had a lot of practice with handling tough situations.  I know in my heart that you will find a grounded place and break these new situations down into manageable morsels for your plate.

Please be kind to yourself. 

[Three Roses]

Dear DB, how are you today?

[Deep Blue]

MoonBeam,
Still waiting on clarity on the job front. I hate keeping secrets about it... rumors get started and I can't stop them without reveling the thing I'm not supposed to talk about.

Hey Jdog,
I'm struggling for some reason... I feel like something is bubbling up and I can't put my finger on it.  Feeling sad I think? I really appreciate you and will try to do exactly what you suggest. I'm going to try to break things up into more manageable pieces.

Hey 3R,
I'm not so good today. I don't have a reason to be struggling... just am 

[Three Roses]

Sorry you're struggling, I'm sending loving, positive thoughts your way. 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
Sending you a hug and positive thoughts 
Hope