Deep Blue’s progression not perfection journal

[Three Roses]

Two things I feel compelled to say -

Therapy is something that is done with us, not to us. If you feel pushed beyond your ability, I hope you remember you can say "not now" or even "no". Her feelings/reactions to this are her responsibility, you're not responsible for making her happy with your compliance. Sorry if that is over stepping the boundaries of advice! Go at your own pace. ❤️

Second thing - this is a relatively short video (7:40) and is great for tactics in dealing with Narcissists. https://youtu.be/6TSh9zTHz2k

You are awesome! 

[Blueberry]

Therapy is something that is done with us, not to us. If you feel pushed beyond your ability, I hope you remember you can say "not now" or even "no". Her feelings/reactions to this are her responsibility, you're not responsible for making her happy with your compliance. Sorry if that is over stepping the boundaries of advice! Go at your own pace. ❤️

I've been pushed beyond my ability quite a number of times in the past, sometimes even with trauma-informed Ts. Sometimes they even ignored my "No! It's too much." It could send me spinning into really bad EFs for weeks, months even.

"Therapy done with us, not to us": exactly, 3R.  Things done to us, without our consent, against our "No" - that's going over boundaries and reminiscent of what traumatised most of us in the first place.

[sanmagic7]

hey, db,

there's a reason you don't want to do this exposure stuff.  something fundamental, perhaps?  outside your conscious control?  it seems that your t keeps pushing on this, and you keep pushing back.  quite the struggle, and i'm sorry you're having to go thru this.  can you talk to her about how you're feeling about it?  i mean, besides the obvious discomfort.  something seems to be there, blocking you.  bottom line, tho, i agree w/ others that you have the right to set your boundaries in therapy. 

usually, i've found, that if something is too much or too big, it may work better if it's broken into smaller pieces.  too often we get overwhelmed when the piece we're being asked to look at, deal with, is too big for us at this time, and needs to be broken down.  i suppose that's what your t meant by telling you to start doing something on your own during the week, but it sounds like even that is too much at this point.  here's a question you may want to ponder - what would have to be different for you to be able to begin doing this on your own?  i'm not looking for an answer, just something off the top of my head.

your pace is the best pace for you, always.  best to you with this, sweetie.   i know you are really struggling with it, and have been for quite a while.  that tells me something is off, or something else needs to be done.  i don't know, just a guess.  sending love always, and a hug filled with strength of personal insight that's just for you.

[Tee]

I agree with everyone go at your pace. You know how much you can handle.  The struggle is being able to stand up to what sounds like a pushy T.  Good luck!

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue,
Well done, making a decision about your co-worker. I think you are handling it in a healthy manner.
Regarding the exposure therapy, I don't have anything to add to what others have said, but want to send you support. 

[Deep Blue]

MoonBeam,
Thanks for the support.  I thought about what you said and then about what San said.  I need to be open with my T about why I'm reluctant.  I did just that last night!

3R,
You never overstep with me.  You know me well enough and it feels like you protecting me.  I love your new photo! It reminds me of one of my favorite cartoons as a kid. Jem and the Holograms  . I also realized that it's that I feel alone doing exposure by myself and not in session. 

Blueberry I think you hit on exactly what I am afraid of.  I'm afraid of being alone and getting bucked into an EF.  That is what's holding me back! Thanks!

San,
So I decided what it was that was holding me back and reached out to my T last night.  I'm scared of going into an EF during this... so I told my T, I will start exposure BUT only if I can start it with her in session.  I'm too scared to do any of it alone... too many questions about how I'll handle it... but I just know if we do a little together than I can at least know what to expect    thanks for your insights sweetie.

Tee,
My T actually isn't that pushy. I've been with her for 3 years and she knows when to push me and when not to, the problem is that I need to be open about what I think I can and can't handle.  My go to is to shut her down, so I need to be open about why I'm scared with her.

Notalone,
Thanks for the support  back to ya.  Yeah I'm actually feeling better and better about my decision not to respond to the coworker.  It really is what is best.

  thanks all

[Tee]

That's awesome I'm glad you were able to talk to your T and do what is best for you!

[Three Roses]

Really awesome insights! I'm relieved and thankful you don't feel pushed in a bad way by your t. 

[Deep Blue]

Thanks T and 3R!

3R, I forgot to tell you that I watched the video you sent me.  She's great.  I really like how she points out that I have no control of other people's perceptions of me.  If I ever respond to my coworker, or if he reaches out again to me, I can always say "I'm sorry that you feel that way." Love it! And love you!
—————————————-
The universe seems to be communicating with me lately. I've been terrified of exposure, but maybe.... just maybe... I'm able to do more than I think?  Maybe I'm stronger than I realize? I hope so...

***Trigger warning*** emotional abuse


Yesterday I was walking and I saw THE car.  I don't like mercury sables.  Luckily for me, they don't make them anymore.  I was walking and there was the car... silver colored and I walked behind it... I took a second and stared at that trunk.  I looked at the trunk that I was thrown inside of so many times.  I looked at it and thought to myself, it's just a car... it's just a car.  No one is going to put me into that trunk again.  Then I mentally gave my inner child a hug and went along.

***End trigger warning****

Yes I had nightmares last night, BUT I'm ok.  I still got sleep. I have a headache today but I'm still standing.  Maybe I can do this after all? 

[Tee]

  I'm so sorry that happened to you but you are stronger than you think and you did it.

I hope today you can take some time and feel the love of your friends.

[Not Alone]

To see that car and not go totally into an EF is a really big deal. I'm so glad you gave your inner child a hug. She deserves tender care. 

[Sceal]

 
That is such a huge progress! You have worked so hard to get to this stage!
So proud of you, sweetheart.
Big hug

[sanmagic7]

you just did your own exposure therapy, sweetie.  yeah, you're stronger than you think, for sure!  mind over matter - it can work!  love and hugs.

[MoonBeam]

you just did your own exposure therapy, sweetie.  yeah, you're stronger than you think, for sure!  mind over matter - it can work!  love and hugs.

Big congrats for the beautiful show of self care and strength. You really stepped in for your little one and all parts of you, and took some power back! Big, gentle 

[Three Roses]

Love it! And love you!

Love you, too! 

Maybe I can do this after all? 

YesYesYesYesYes!   

I see great progress!