Deep Blue’s progression not perfection journal

[Tee]

 

[Deep Blue]

Tee,
Thanks very much for the support.

Sceal,
Thanks for being proud of me.  You know my journey so if you say i have worked hard, I'm more likely to believe it 

San,
Yep maybe I'm stronger than I think... but I am feeling really run down today. I think I have been overdoing it a bit.

MoonBeam,
It's still super hard. I wish once I gave my little a hug she would calm down.  Even now when I look at my heart rate tracker the picture makes my heart rate jump.     I wonder if I'm supposed to think of the trauma or not when I look at the pic? Hmmm I better ask my T.

3R,
Thanks for the hug.
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I had a strange dream the other night and it made me question if I'm overdoing it.

I dreamt that I was in the hospital.  I had overdosed in the dream.  The nurses there were asking me what happened and I told them that I had gotten my medications confused.  Then my T called on the phone and I told her the truth... I told her i had purposely overdosed.

I have been crazy busy lately...
Even today I was hoping to take a break but that's not in the cards.
First I have to run to the store
Then a bday party this afternoon
Then make dinner
Then another match tonight... and today is a lighter day for my week.

I'm bummed my girl Serena lost in the Wimbledon final too 

[sanmagic7]

yeah, that does sound crazy busy.  i hope you'll find a way to slow that down.  you don't need to get sick.  your body will stop you if you don't, right?

too bad about serena.  funny how sports can make such an emotional difference in our lives.

i'm thinking there's really no supposed to involved when it comes to taking care of your inner child.  she's hurting from the trauma, she needs the care and concern she never got, right?  it seems to me that if that picture of her comes along carrying the trauma, it does need to be addressed.  just my opinion.  it'll be interesting to see what your t says.

you're the most important one in your life - please, never forget that.  if you don't take care of you, no one else is able to.  i hope you find a way to ease up on yourself.  sending love and a hug full of rest.   

[Deep Blue]

Had a horrible horrible dream last night. 

Does anyone else wake up somewhere else when you have those? I woke up on the floor. I had somehow managed to get out of bed and was curled up against the wall in my room. I was soaked and the dream was so bad that I'm still a bit shaken.  I do know what triggered it so that's something I guess

[sanmagic7]

so sorry to hear about your horrible dream.  curled up against the wall - a protection thing?  ugh.  i hope you can relax a bit today, let that dream wear itself out of your system.  no fun.  sending love and a hug filled w/ protection and comfort.

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
So sorry to hear about your bad dream.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok    I have sometimes ended up in different parts of the room during bad nights with night terrors and nightmares, so I do very much feel for you - I usually end up back in bed though - rather than waking up in a different place.  It must be very disorientating for you and disconcerting to find yourself in a different place - I hope that tonight you can get some peaceful sleep and maybe some nice dreams.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

San,
Thanks for your hugs and comfort.  I'll sit with you for the afternoon and curl up for a bit if it's ok.  Oh and yes, you were correct.  The dream was me trying to protect myself... I was kinda in fetal position actually.

Hope,
I will never turn down a hug from you.  How have your nightmares been? I know you have struggled before with them.  Yeah it is disorienting to wake up on the floor when I was on the floor in my dream too! Ugh. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone in this.

[Sceal]

Sounds like a truly terrifying dream to wake up from! 

[Deep Blue]

Nervous to go to sleep tonight....

Please let me get some sleep. Protect me from the nightmares.

[sanmagic7]

sending angel wings for protection.  love and hugs - i hope you sleep quietly on all levels.   

[Tee]

Hope you were able to sleep.

[Deep Blue]

Ha ha,
No such luck Tee.  I'm hoping to get a chance to take a nap today. 

[Tee]

Bummer hopefully the nap will be great.  I always do better with naps than nights.

Trying to be on vacation with my family so struggling though which is why I'm on here this morning. 

[Jdog]

Blue-

I've been been disconnected these past few days and see that you are struggling.  As San suggests, please go easy on yourself.  Build some restful things into your day. 

Sending love and ease.

[MoonBeam]

Hi Deep Blue. I'm sorry you've been having nightmares. Not sleeping just makes things harder. It's a vicious cycle, both needing and dreading sleep.  I hear you too with being super busy. I hope you get to rest when you can. A little time carved out for self-care sounds in order.

That feeling of your heart rate jumping, I can relate. I think it's going to take some time for our littles to trust that we are in-fact in charge and we are safe. I'm not there yet. I can't seem to calm her, but at some point, if I keep showing up for her, I think she just might learn to trust me. Right now I utilize a big grandmother bear to watch over us. She is stoic and strong, but also compassionate and believes I am worth looking out for. I can lie down next to her while she keeps watch. Visualizations really help me.

I hope as hard as they are, the nightmares are somehow releasing some things for you that maybe have been stuck or hiding. You are so brave. I really admire your courage.