Deep Blue’s progression not perfection journal

[MoonBeam]

That does make sense Deep Blue and that is some great work on digging in to put pieces together. They can be so illusive. I'm so glad you got to talk to your T about the communication and your path forward together in healing. I have such a hard time speaking the whole of my truth, even to my T, though she makes great effort to continually show me she's not going to judge or change her mind about me being a valued, lovable being. Really hard stuff you're walking through and you're bravely showing up.

At times "sabotage" has meant survival for me, especially when things got too scary or too real, and while I'm learning new ways of processing or integrating experiences, sometimes I rely on what is known--more by default. It's not a conscious decision. It's one way of hiding. We're still learning right?

I totally understand the dread of the terrible thing to come. Wanting to hide or run away and not being able to. My heart goes out to you. I hope your session goes well and you get all the support and love you deserve. I'm thinking of you and care about you too. 

[Jdog]

Thinking about you this morning, DeepBlue.  Sending a 

[Three Roses]

This totally made sense to me -

My abuse was sometimes scheduled... so I knew something bad was right around the corner. So scheduling exposure makes me react the same way...

The thing that was going to be included in the scheduled abuse is the same thing your t is asking you to face in exposure therapy, yes? So it makes total sense that having to face "it" would result in an EF. This is not something that comes from conscious thought, but from deeper/lower in the brain. It's not in how you think, anymore than a limp from a broken leg is caused by how you think.

Wanting to avoid something unpleasant is completely understandable. Your t obviously knows this. You've said in past posts that she's good about giving you the right amount of pressure to dig deeper. Hopefully this is one of those times.

I care about you. 

[Deep Blue]

Tee,
Thanks very much.  I am enjoying the rest of my week.  I really am.    I totally think it's easier to care for others than to care for ourself

Sunflower,
I'm hoping you are right.  I'm hoping that next week won't be as bad as how my mind has built it up 🤞

3R,
I know you care sweetie.  I want you to know that I care very much about you too.  Thanks for saying my rambling make sense... I wonder sometimes?? I also love that (in a similar way to my T) you manage to reassure me when I question myself.  Thanks 

Sceal & Jdog,
I appreciate you both very much too


MoonBeam,
Thanks for getting it.  I am glad what I said made some sort of sense ha ha.  You are absolutely correct though... me distracting is wired that way and I don't really have control over it.  Thanks for caring, your words mean a great deal to me. 
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I went to the chiropractor today and it was very needed. I have been going for about a year because of my vertigo.  The vertigo is a symptom of my Ménière's disease. It just really helps.  Today he adjusted my sinuses for the first time and it was awesome!  I know it's working because I get drainage down the back of my throat.

My match got canceled tonight! Yay! Now I can relax and just cook dinner at home instead.

Love you all! Seriously! 

[Tee]

  yeah for relax have a good evening

[Not Alone]

My abuse was sometimes scheduled... so I knew something bad was right around the corner. So scheduling exposure makes me react the same way...

Does that make sense?
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Makes complete sense. And I am horrified that your abuse was sometimes scheduled. I will be thinking of you on Monday. You are deserving of care and kindness. 

[Deep Blue]

Thanks Notalone,
I appreciate you thinking of me Monday. I'm gonna need all the good vibes I can get.
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I read something today and I felt like sharing it:  it spoke to me

We're all a little broken, but last time I checked... broken crayons still color.

[Tee]

  I'm the purple one.😜. I'll be thinking of you and sending you good vibes Monday too!

[sanmagic7]

great little gem about the broken crayons, db.  i would be pink, light pink.  shell pink, i think. 

sabotage, distraction - words used to convey something neg. about us at times, when all they are, as others have noted, are ways we've employed to protect and care for ourselves.   i think we could all rewrite that dictionary and put in some new ways to look at some of these words that have stopped us, made us doubt ourselves, limited us, or turned us around.  we do what we have to do to keep ourselves safe, always.  i believe it's as we continue to heal, repair the cracks and breaks, that we become stronger w/in ourselves, and we don't need to use these protective devices as much or as often.

sending love and a hug filled w/ being ok w/ using whatever you need to stay safe.   

[Three Roses]

We're all a little broken, but last time I checked... broken crayons still color.

I'll be the magenta crayon! No wait - forest green! No wait... I can't choose 😂

Your crayon analogy reminds me of a quote attributed to Leonard Cohen in his song "Anthem" ;

Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

(There is more history to this quote which can be read on Quote Investigator - https://quoteinvestigator.com/2016/11/16/light/)

[MoonBeam]

Thinking of you today Deep Blue. Hope you are doing alright. 

[Tee]

Thinking of you hope today is going well!

[Deep Blue]

Im fried, got through it mostly... too fried and not ready to talk about it yet though 

[Tee]

 ☕️ rest we are with you.

[Not Alone]