Deep Blue’s progression not perfection journal

[Sceal]

Perhaps in time you can learn to care about yourself? I hope you do, even if right now you don't see value in yourself or care to care about yourself. I care about you, and I know I am not the only one who does. So, maybe for the time being just let us care for you even if you don't understand why right now? Do you need to understand that right now?

Sometimes it can be hard to remember that exposure therapy leaves us vulnerable, and for days afterwards there might be a higher likelihood of further triggering and exhaustion. It can be so frustrating because "we haven't done anything". Which isn't quite right, we are re-wiring old and faulty lines within. And that's not nothing. Actually it is quite alot. It is so D* hard. And it's okay and it is normal to be exhausted afterwards.

[sanmagic7]

 

love and hugs, always.  you are cared about and loved, never forget that.   

[Tee]

 

[Hope67]

Love and hugs to you Deep Blue, I've not read your Journal for a while, and saw today what you're going through, and I wanted to send you a heartfelt hug, if that's ok 
Thinking of you.
Hope 

[Jdog]

Deep Blue-

I just want to echo what others have said here.  You are cared about!  You make a difference in so many lives, and please don't forget that.

I hope this next week finds you feeling more resilient and with a greater sense of peace.

Sending love, fellow teacher!

[Deep Blue]

Hello all,
Thanks for your warm responses. I know I have been mia lately.

Sigh... today is my birthday.  It's better than last year... but still not great.

I feel like I need to write down something I'm noticing with exposure therapy. 

I'm having a couple different reactions when it comes to it.  I have noticed that Afterwards I tend to have 1 of 2 reactions.  I'm either terrified and have lots of panic attacks and flashbacks OR I go into depression. 

It also seems to depend on what the memory is.  Memories of PA tend to bring fear.  The memories of EA tend to bring the depression.  I've been toddling with the depression for a couple weeks now.  I'm trying to keep on keeping on, but the truth is, I'm exhausted. Most days I wonder how much more I can do this... how much more therapy can I actually handle?

I guess it is the depression? But today... on my birthday... my mind tells me that I don't deserve any of my friends. My mind tells me that none of them really care.  If something catastrophic was to happen to me, they would all be fine...

It's probably my inner critic... so on I go... keep on keeping on. 

My wish this year when I blew out the candles? I wished I could learn to love myself... I really do believe that my healing depends on it.

Goodnight all.

[sanmagic7]

hey, db,

happy, happy birthday to you!   

honestly, if you could just take a little of the love that's felt for you by people here, you'd have more than enough to be going on with for yourself.

i'm sorry for the depression - that sucks.  it's so draining.  do you think you need a little break from the exposure stuff for a couple weeks?  i know that processing my re-scripting stuff is taking me longer than i anticipated, and you've been doing this several times now.  just a thought.

hoping for a great birthday the next time around.  love you muchly, and sending a hug filled w/ birthday wishes and depression fighters!   

[Hope67]

Dear Deep Blue,
Wishing you the best for your Birthday - 
Also, a gentle hug too 
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Birthday wishes

[Tee]

Happy birthday Deep blue
Sending you lots of love and a huge hug filled with care. We would all miss you.  You are working so hard trying to give yourself some grace and remember that we are here for you.

[Three Roses]

honestly, if you could just take a little of the love that's felt for you by people here, you'd have more than enough to be going on with for yourself.

[woodsgnome]

Birthday/Everyday -- the best for you ... always.

                        

[Deep Blue]

Thanks for the birthday wishes all.  Thanks for the love. I needed it more than you could know.
——————————————————-
I'm tired today... I've been tired for days.

I miss the way things used to be.  Last year I had a dear friend as a work colleague "L" .  Now she is working elsewhere.  There is only 1 other girl in my department.  We are friends... but lately I feel a distance between us. 

I miss  "L" every single day.  She was always happy to see me and never made me feel like a burden.  The friend that is still here... sigh... she's busy.    she always seems stressed, never wants to kick back and relax... never seems happy to see me... it hurts a little every time. Lately I can't even take that little bit of hurt... so I'm just sorta avoiding her...

I have not told her this... too many years of being told I'm too sensitive. 

The thing is, I've learned that with cptsd, a strong support system is important for me.  I need people around that help keep me from drowning myself... does that make sense?  I need people that I can be around that make me feel cared for. I don't talk trauma to those in my life. (I'm not good at sharing in real life). What helps me keep stable and to keep on going is just feeling friendship and feeling love...

It's so hard when I look at my work life now.  I've had so many friends move on... one retired, one changed professions another became a district counselor. And then there is me... no change... still me... fighting the same battles and trying to continue the quest for something I will never find. (Mental stability). Maybe I'll never get there... maybe I should just stop trying 

[Jdog]

   I think that deep down, you know that stopping the healing is not a good option.  I'm sorry you are hurting so much.  I have felt pretty defeated myself over the past two months, and it's not an easy spot. 

Have you ever tried Tara Brach's Meditations?  She has a wonderful web site and there are many free talks and soothing meditations.  Maybe her presence would settle your nerves a little bit.  You deserve the best treatment, especially from yourself.

[Three Roses]

I've been thinking (for a long while, actually) of attending a support group. The National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI) has support groups nationwide. There may not be support groups for cptsd *yet* but imo even one for ptsd would be better than nothing. Idk, still thinking about it. Might be nice to talk face to face with people who are like me....